Cuban Curveball Creates Crisis

Filed by B D W

ITITY Weird Events Correspondent

Miami FL

LA Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, whose misdealings just last month shocked the sports world by bringing the franchise to bankruptcy court, ended his tenure this week when he quietly sold one of the worst teams in baseball to Cuba.

A strongly-worded editorial by Raul Castro, appearing in yesterday’s Havana Press, has the White House scrambling to reach a solution to the controversial issue of Cuba’s attempt to purchase the team.

Castro warned, “If you coolly weigh the situation which has developed, not giving way to passions, you will understand that Cuba cannot but reject the arbitrary demands of the United States whose pirate-like action will inevitably lead to war.”

After deploying the Navy, Barack Obama, baseball fan and Commander in Chief, stated during an emergency broadcast late last night, “The purity of America’s favorite pastime will not be tampered with and we will remain firm in our decision to blockade Cuba.”

As the clock runs out on this stalemate, reports suggest that while the President would prefer a diplomatic compromise to a military confrontation, he is not opposed to an invasion. At this time no one is sure whether Castro will back down.

United States Suffers Setback

Jotted by E C Koch
ITITY Pecuniary Analyst

London UK

The United States, after protracted deficit negotiations, an unprecedented ratings downgrade, and continued profligate spending, has finally found herself in an insurmountable financial crisis, and is now unable to continue honoring her debts.

Though many critics believed that America sought independence before she was ready, she nevertheless blindly pursued her autonomy, and is now paying for her hubris.

With overwhelming debt and without the experience necessary to properly balance one’s personal finances, America has been forced to move back in with her parents for, what is now, an indefinite period of time.

When asked how they felt about their daughter’s rather embarrassing public collapse, England responded, “She always was a willful child but it isn't that we’re angry with her exactly, just disappointed. It’s clear though that she still has a lot of growing up to do.”

Craziness on Capitol Hill

Contributed by B F Koch
ITITY Political Commentator




Washington DC

We may not manufacture much in this country anymore, but we are still capable of cobbling together a catastrophic crisis out of nothing but thin, hot air and our irrefutable faith in free market fundamentalism.

Taking a break from rubber stamping regulatory legislation crafted by corporate lobbyists, Congress recently considered one of the most routine tasks it is responsible for performing, raising the debt ceiling.

When deficit reduction was unnecessarily included in the negotiation, the partisan confrontation over this simple accounting procedure quickly escalated to the unprecedented histrionics of a hostage situation.

The Republicans rested on their commitment to never raise taxes under any circumstances and their strategy that the resulting negative consequences could easily be blamed on the President.

The newly elected Tea Party, in just one stunning example of economic illiteracy, actually introduced a bill to lower the debt ceiling, reasoning that it would compel the government to reduce its spending.

The credit agencies threatened that our Treasury Bills would no longer retain the same treasured Triple-A rating they once bestowed on the junk mortgage backed securities that collapsed the economy in the first place.

While Democrats desperately did their dysfunctional best not to make things worse, a parade of pundits appeared on our perpetual propaganda programming to sell the scheme that we must all share in the sacrifice.

The President had said all along that he wanted a compromise and in the end what he got was yet another compromise, requiring yet another committee, its members yet to be selected, to consider yet more compromises. 

Interest Rate Further Reduced

Scribbled by E C Koch
ITITY Economics Reporter

New York NY

In an effort to retard extreme fluctuations of stock prices on Wall Street, Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, has reduced the federal funds rate to below zero in hopes of encouraging borrowing and investment in the US.

Critics from both sides are questioning Bernanke’s decision but have, as expected, offered nothing in the way of an alternative.

The new interest rate, which is now at an historic low, has yet to attract any increase in borrowing as banks are still cautious to lend, stagnating the already glacial flow of capital.

With regard to the efficacy of paying banks to borrow through the fed Bernanke stated, “Though some rather acerbic skeptics are lambasting the decision, and I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, we expect that this will benefit economic recovery by approximately ¼ % over the next ten years, and may even help unemployment, but who really knows.”

Congress Seeks Celestial Solution

Reported by E C Koch
ITITY Financial Correspondent

Washington DC

Although the Democratic nominations to the newly formed Super Committee have not been formally conducted no one expects those nominations to in any way alter the eventual recommendations made by Republican members who have already produced a draft addressing the deficit crisis that would essentially wipe the economic slate clean.

Though there remains much partisan contention with regard to the most efficient way to restore fiscal sanity, this proposed alternative attempts to bypass party politics by including another stagnant government agency, and looking to the heavens.

Through what might have been science fiction several years ago, the Super Committee would direct NASA to cure the country’s financial woes by redirecting an asteroid toward Earth, in hopes of allowing our government’s policymakers the chance to start afresh; a final solution that leaves Congress simultaneously nervous and powerless to intervene.

Several eminent scientists outside of NASA have recently voiced their opinions with respect to this solution, mostly on the topic of unintended consequences; but have largely been discredited as followers of Maynard Keynes.

Union Leader Riddle Solved

Filed by B D W

ITITY Forensics Reporter

Prudhoe Bay AK

Earlier this week, with the world falling into turmoil, housing still on the decline, unemployment rates up, and daily spending down, world powers somehow came to a decision to open the oil reserves in an attempt to bring down rising gas prices. While the rest of the world watched, a unique issue arose when two engineers in charge of controlling the release of our nation’s reserves noticed rapidly mounting pressure in one of the lines, triggering a failsafe, inevitably shutting down the entire operation.

Before officials arrived, workers opened a container found to be obstructing the line, discovering what appeared to be human remains. In came the FBI who took the remains for testing, Homeland Security to contain the scene and search for clues, NSA who is looking into links with Iran, FEMA who set up some temporary trailers for anything displaced in the incident, and advisors from BP whose roles were later identified as “crisis and marketing advisers.”

Later, as FEMA was pulling its trailers away from what is now being called Ground Zero, the FBI and Homeland Security held a joint press conference to give a brief outline of the past week’s events.  An FBI Spokesman then followed up and explained that the contents causing the blockage were indeed the remains of the infamous James “Jimmy” Hoffa. 

Outraged, Fox News claimed that it was a conspiracy by the agencies in charge at the scene, and demanded photo evidence that it was in fact Hoffa. When contacted about this point of contention, the FBI and Homeland Security both referred all questions to the White House, where Spokesperson Jay Carney delivered this prepared statement: “The agencies worked hard and thoroughly, and we can say with 100% certainty, that after years of waiting, years of searching, we got him, we finally got Jimmy Hoffa.”

US Defaults on Democracy

Fired off by B F Koch

ITITY Field Reporter

Philadelphia PA

The dimly disengaged electorate seems to have surrendered any optimism they may have once had, and is willing to passionately support anyone who successfully panders to their personal fears and private prejudices.

Distracted by the exaggerated distinction between the two parties, candidates are confidently chosen by voters whose decisions are not only bereft of reason or even self interest, but scarcely escape their barely functioning brain stems.

There are several who insist we can still reclaim some ghostly lost greatness of a mythical America, a patriotic illusion that persists only in their muddled imaginings of our actual history, but an appealing promise to people who have lost everything else.

And these are the fractious few who actually bother to cast a ballot. Most are content to be silent bystanders to the spectacle of our failure, offering only on occasion the parroted complaint of their favorite pundit.

Two hundred thirty-five years ago a group of enlightened individuals had confidence in our ability to govern ourselves. Somewhere along the way we became convinced that the commitment of active citizenship carried too high a cost.