Romney Camp Settles on New Strategy

Filed by F Russell Grumman

ITITY Senior Political Correspondent

Park City UT

A confidential memo prepared by his staff outlining various strategies cautioned that the candidate could not wage a winning campaign on ideas and issues without either alienating a constituency he had previously pandered to or reminding his supporters that he was once again contradicting himself.

Among the examples noted were promising that as the president he would repeal the same health care program he had enacted as governor, claiming credit for the auto industry bailout he had originally opposed, and attempting to reconcile his ability to create jobs with his record at Bain Capital.

The memo also recognized his aloof empty suit dancing horse dog on the roof ten thousand dollar betting Cayman island tax sheltering country should be run like a business bragging super rich one percenter oblivious to the concerns of commoners cardboard cutout late night monologue fodder image problem.

The only viable option is to constantly remind voters that it doesn’t matter who he is or isn’t, or what he does or doesn’t stand for, or what he might or might not do as president, but what he is most definitely and most consistently not. All people need to know, the memo concluded, is Mitt Romney is not Barack Obama.

Included were mockups of smiling Romney image “I’m not Obama!" lawn signs, samples of simple "Romney...he's not Obama!" bumper stickers, and TV ad storyboards featuring the usual patriotic images and the tagline “I’m Mitt Romney, I approved this message, and I’m not Barack Obama.”

Once Upon a Time

Put in the Picture by B F Koch

ITITY Contemporary Media Critic

Leaving a trail of hundred dollar bills on their path so they could find the way back, the vulture capitalist candidate and his ginger haired court jester set out to connect with those of scant economic prospect with the unpretentious yet appealing campaign slogan “a chicken with white truffle oil in every pot and couple of Cadillacs in every elevator equipped multi-level garage.”

At a private preschool, the privileged offspring of the fortunate few act out a lesson in government gridlock with their emerging nation manufactured congressional inaction figures, while the children of aspiring reality show contestants prepare to compete in the high-tech world with a no prejudice left behind hillbilly home brew of creationism science and second amendment remedies.

A mischievous wizard of financial alchemy conjures a magical investment scheme of impenetrable complexity and unlimited profit potential then casts a something for nothing spell to conceal his simple scam, while a baby faced billionaire offers shares of his social media success to select insiders then forgets to inform his friends that the IPO party is already over.

Interrupted only by snake oil salesmen shilling concoctions no one really needs to cure conditions no one actually has, an endless flood of mindless effluence flows from the flat screens in every home, offering a nation of vacuous couch bound viewers a high definition distraction from the fact that their castle is in foreclosure and their country has been sold to the highest bidder.

In the crowded arena of an empire past its expiration date, three hundred million peasants all fight for their fifteen minutes, a beautiful princess checks into a five-star celebrity rehab for the umteenth time, and the handsome young pilot of a surveillance drone silently watches as the new gilded age slowly goes to hell in a counterfeit Gucci handbag.

It Was Only a Dream

Dispatched by B F Koch

ITITY Current Events Correspondent

We defeated the evil empire and made the world safe for democracy. We eliminated trade barriers and unleashed the vast potential of the free market. We had a budget surplus. We stood on the summit and we all looked forward to the limitless prosperity we so justly deserved.

In the year 2000 the American myth seemed secure. We reinforced the truth of it so readily our delusion came to define us. We refused to believe it could ever fail, yet were unable to perceive the approaching perils we ourselves had set into motion.

Our illusion of invulnerability collapsed with the twin towers. Our self regulating economy self destructed. Our financial system was a scam. The real damage however was not as devastating as the destruction of the dream, and in the disillusion that followed we abandoned everything we valued.

Democrats are determined we can somehow return to our previous status by employing the same policies that got us where we are, while Republicans have irrationally retreated to an appalling interpretation of an imagined past, incessantly sinking into regressive insanity.

We ignore the cost of our foreign occupations. We continue to let lobbyists write our laws and allow corporate criminals to escape accountability. We reject the call for any alternatives, aggressively responding to civil dissent at precisely the time we so desperately need it.

Last Numbskull Standing

Filed by F Russell Grumman
ITITY 2012 Campaign Field Reporter

After the latest primary results, the possibility of Newt Gingrich regaining his status as conservative frontrunner seemed even more remote than his imaginary lunar colony, but recent events involving his rivals have not only resurrected the former speaker’s crusade, they’ve completely turned the republican campaign on its inanely hollow head.

Mitt Romney’s attempt to pander to the canine coalition by riding atop his campaign bus shouting “see, it’s not so bad” abruptly ended when he became entangled in a low hanging power line, causing even his well heeled cohorts to admit he didn’t have the same appeal with his perfect hair standing straight on end.

Rick Santorum was heard to say “Just ask Rick Perry, the third one’s always the hardest” before being interrupted by his astonished congregation, and while the strange details of his attempted self crucifixion are still emerging, pundits have already agreed he has conclusively proven himself to be the extreme Catholic candidate.

Ron Paul’s sudden disappearance before a small gathering of dedicated followers has the internet conspiracy theorist community already speculating on possible explanations including a killer drone strike, alien abduction, and maybe just wandered off and got a little lost like old people sometimes do.

New Legislation Engenders Controversy

Submitted by E C Koch

ITITY Entitlements Analyst

Richmond VA

State legislators have proposed a new law that, if passed, is expected by some to initiate an immediate appeals process and possible intervention from the ACLU.

The proposition, backed by less than half of the respondents in a recent poll, would require all men to undergo a colonoscopy prior to the purchase of any Tom Clancy novel as an incentive against the potential mental and emotional trauma inflicted by its reading.

This controversial bill has received an enormous negative reaction from state men’s rights organizations dedicated to advocating gender equality and literacy, likening the medical procedure to “state-sanctioned rape,” while proponents argue that they “only want men to weigh the gravity of what would be a potentially damaging and certainly life-altering decision,” and to “not make the choice lightly.”

Opponents to the prospective legislation have already asked for the option to have the colonoscopy instead described by the physician, seen as a more moderate alternative to being forced to either view the procedure or pay for the book on tape.

Extremely Proud & Incredibly Verbose

Reported by B F Koch

ITITY 2012 Campaign Correspondent

Conservative think tanks are reportedly working overtime to contain the corrosive damage being done by America’s latest and most absurdly superficial reality television spectacle, the Republican Presidential Debates.

Years of reckless and unrelenting obstructionism has rendered the right wing mindset so methodically mired in impeding progress, they are now arrogantly incapable of pursuing their agenda without unwittingly undermining the platform of their own party.

Between not so subtle appeals to racism and the occasional opportunity to browbeat and bully the moderator, the candidates automatically assault whoever happens to be leading the polls by burying their opponent in a vociferous avalanche of verbal abuse.

The mountain of money made available by unlimited campaign financing has merely managed to fund a cast of characters so completely unqualified it would be a challenge to accept any of them playing the part in a cheap SciFy channel disaster movie.

Congressional Nomenclature Causes Commotion

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Appellation Correspondent

A recent unofficial poll conducted in an attempt to gauge the feelings of congressmen and women concerning the newly appointed Supercongress revealed that opinions regarding the unprecedented commission were almost entirely positive.

The anonymous poll asked questions ranging from what Congress members thought about each party’s selections to the committee, to what members thought about the committee’s unilateral power to draft financial legislation without oversight.

A surprisingly high number of respondents proffered little to no concern regarding the committee’s ability to outline legislation that should prove to have a large and prolonged impact on both the US and world economies.

When asked about the dangers inherent to a single committee’s capacity to control government spending and their present inability to produce any legislation to that end, one unnamed contact stated, “That’s not what we’re worried about. We just don’t like the name; like all of a sudden none of us are ‘super’ anymore. I can tell you that a new bill is now being drawn up that will officially rename the rest of us ‘Super-Duper Congress’.”