Scientists Claim Record Reached

Dug Up by E C Koch

ITITY Statistics Editor

Baltimore, MD

A team of research scientists, doctors, and statisticians out of the Johns Hopkins University Laboratory for Advanced Thanatology released a report earlier this week that issued a surprising conclusion.

Following years of data analysis, including the aggregation of census files, death certificates, and cemetery records, the study concluded that one billion Americans have now died since the founding of the republic.

Research team leader and co-author of the report, Marie Charon, stated in an interview, “This is a truly incredible finding, that, frankly, the team wasn’t expecting. Our initial estimates only had us around eleventh place, so to find out we’re number one was really quite exciting.”

Charon declined to answer whether she thought America’s unusually high figure was related to a traditionally lax health care system, but a researcher close to the project offered that “a stronger [health care] system would really eat into our lead. And anyway, how would you pay for it?”

Unexpected Landmark Discovery Made

Dispatched by E C Koch

ITITY Statuary Correspondent

Liberty Island, NJ

Due to an unprecedented drop in visitation, national parks across the United States have initiated a suite of long-neglected restoration projects.

Second only to the recoloration of the Grand Canyon, the most anticipated project was Lady Liberty’s long overdue buff and wax.

The restoration was suspended during its preparation stage, however, after a heretofore unnoticed expiration date was discovered stamped into the famed landmark’s base.

Said project manager, Laz Bartholdi, “We took that poem off the side to get the old girl ready for her tune up and there it was. You know how they put stickers on fruit to cover a bruise? Yeah, it’s like that.”

Infectious Support Surges Exponentially

Diagnosed at a Distance by E C Koch and B F Koch

ITITY Epidemiology Correspondents

Londonderry Township, PA

Choosing to dismiss the advice of his administration’s few remaining healthcare experts, President Trump recently visited Dauphin County, PA, where he held a rally intended to energize his base ahead of November’s election.

Following a script that has become standard for similar events, the rally, sponsored by Pennsylvania’s Miasmatic Committee to Re-Elect, featured a densely packed auditorium of the chief executive’s most virulent supporters.

After speeches delivered by celebrity physician, Andrew Wakefield, and euthanasia enthusiast, Dan Patrick, the President took the stage to deliver his message of assurance amid the nation’s current crisis.

When asked what he thought about Trump’s performance, rally attendee and veteran Three Mile Island technician, Frank Boron, said, “You heard what everyone was chanting, didn’t ya? It’s all a hoax. I mean, if it’s so contagious then what are we all doing here?”

New Land Deal Forms

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Polar Correspondent

Nuuk, Greenland

President Trump announced earlier today that he would be cancelling his diplomatic trip to Denmark to instead visit a destination farther north.

Details provided by the President’s office explained that this change was due to the chief executive’s frustration when his offer to purchase Greenland was quickly rejected by the Danish government, while a similar offer was met warmly by his Arctic counterpart.

Critics have speculated that Trump, anticipating the effects of climate change and the desirability of what in the near future are to be temperate climes, is seeking out development opportunities for new hotels and golf courses.

Repeated interview requests have so far been denied, but a spokeself from his office stated that Santa Claus was “very enthusiastic to get all this ice off his hands while he still can. The boss would have sold him these reindeer if he could.”

No, This Is Who We Are

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Current Events Correspondent

Egged-on by the incessant clamoring of a million social media monsters, safely sheltered in the anonymous refuge of the mindless mob, we, angry spectators of that sleazy cable news spectacle called a presidential election, found, in a vulgar two-bit grifter seething with racist resentment, the depraved embodiment of our deepest desires and darkest inner demons, the vengeful, gold-plated personification of our subconscious greed, hatred, and lust, then, deliberately situated this shameless scam artist where he’s safely shielded from criminal prosecution, provided him with a pulpit from which to preach his deranged message of misogyny, divisiveness, and conspiracy, and remained callously indifferent when this malignant incarnation of the American id unleashed the horrors of home-grown terrorism by incessantly inflaming our xenophobic fear of an imaginary invasion, but it’s all been totally worth it because nothing is quite so satisfying as owning those whiny paper straw sucking libs. 

The Loser Who Won

Contributed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Theater Critic

Do you know that guy? That guy who says they just take his hard-earned money and hand it over to “those people” who are too lazy to work for a living. That guy who says if we let “those people” move into the neighborhood they’ll just ruin everyone’s property values. That guy who says we could fix this place if we just put all “those people” on a boat and send them back to where they came from. Maybe you’re lucky, maybe you’re not related to that guy, maybe you never even met that guy, but a little over a year ago almost 63 million Americans thought it was a good idea to put a guy like that in charge of our country.

It didn’t matter that a few million more Americans voted for the other candidate. It didn’t matter that the electoral college was supposed to prevent the office being occupied by someone, in the words of one of our most popular founding fathers, “not in an eminent degree endowed with the requisite qualifications.” President Pussy Grabber, anyone? Nice try Mr. Hamilton, but hey, you’re killing it on Broadway.

Naturally, the cable news networks played their part too, conveniently refraining from any criticism that would interfere with their ad revenues, and covering the campaign as if it were the latest reality TV spectacle. Responsible reporting? Journalistic integrity? Don’t worry, it’s all just entertainment folks, he’s not going to win this thing anyway, and hey, our ratings are through the roof.

We’ll never know of course, but it may not have turned out the way it did without the FBI bringing up his opponent’s e-mails again on the eve of the election. Was this something significant? Was this something we needed to know? No, they just thought it was important to protect themselves from appearing to have held anything back after she won. So much for fidelity, bravery, and integrity. Strange thing is, these are the same bunch we’re now trusting to tell us this shameful mistake wasn’t our fault. Hey, a little help here, Russia?

Did Trump Really Say That?

By F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Senior Political Correspondent

This article originally appeared in the West Palm Beach Shuffleboard Gazette. It is reprinted here with their generous permission.

Despite Dr. Oddball Bornstein of the Lennox Hill Home for the Incurably Conceited shamelessly stating that Donald J. Trump is the healthiest 70-year-old junk food junkie he’s ever seen, the candidate’s performance during the primaries had all the symptoms of an outraged fanatic unable to stop his short-circuiting neural pathways from interrupting his rambling improvisations with synaptic sparks of psychotic self-delusion.

Taking a page out of his Wharton School of Casino Management senior thesis, The Art of the Bait and Switch, Trump’s new ego masseuse and conspiracy nut wrangler Kellyanne Conway promised the would-be narcissist-in-chief would soon pivot to a more “general election” demeanor.  

Surreptitiously procured by the Donald J. Trump Personally Profitable Nonprofit Foundation, which also purchased an edition of Presidential Campaigning for Dummies autographed by “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman, the candidate’s speeches are now cobbled together for him using the same copy of Politically Incorrect Mad Libs employed by Strom Thurmond to articulate his opinions on race relations.

The presentation may look different, but it’s still the same repulsive message delivered to the same deplorable mob, only now read from a pair of teleprompters with the halting awkwardness of a heavily sedated orangutan struggling to keep up with a leisurely played game of ping pong.