Government Branches Soon Pruned

Scratched out by E C Koch

ITITY Horticultural Commentator

Ithaca, NY

The renowned America Tree, long-standing symbol of the balance of powers dating back to the colonial era, saw a sudden deterioration this week.

Entrusted to the council of the city of Ithaca, New York, by congressional delegate, William Floyd, in 1791, the young oak, pared down by Floyd to represent the three branches of government, came to be known as the America Tree, and has stood in Floyd Square outside City Hall for more than two centuries.

Yesterday, visitors to the popular tourist attraction noted with concern that two of the oak’s three branches appeared to have considerably withered, prompting some to speculate that it may need to be cut down.

During a phone interview this morning, Ed Alsop, Ithaca’s head gardener, stated, “those folks that saw it said it looked like all the life drained out of them two branches. So, looks like we’ll have to lop them off if they don’t pick back up soon. It’s a shame and all, but I guess the thing was always going to die eventually.”

New Voting Restriction Rankles

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Elections Analyst

Palm Beach, FL

Without an end to the current crisis anywhere in sight, the Trump administration has announced a new set of guidelines ahead of November’s election.

After ignoring input from several constitutional lawyers, as well as a team of public relations experts, the general election, previously scheduled for November Third, has been postponed until such time as the President determines that it’s safe enough to vote.

Notwithstanding the constitutionality claimed by the administration, House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, quickly sent a strongly worded letter to the President beseeching him to “pretty, pretty please, reconsider [his] position.”

When questioned about whether a Supreme Court ruling might be required, Attorney General, William Barr, said, “You think Ginsburg’s stepping in front of this bus? The court’s stacked. It’s already over.”

Undaunted Zorg Spurs Economy

Telezapped by E C Koch

ITITY Intergalactic Stringer

Now into the third month of the bombardment, the meteors raining down on Quallan Alpha have yet to significantly relent.

With the planet’s labor force now taking shelter from the deadly storm, the production of gribblaks, the tent post of Quallan Alpha’s economy, has precipitously dropped, leading analysts both inside and outside the cabinet to suspect that the Imperial Zorg’s government might dissolve after only one lustrum.

In a move that some are criticizing as reckless, the Imperial Zorg indicated yesterday that he was willing to sacrifice some inhabitants if it meant kickstarting the planet’s gribblak industry, and so intends to decree that workers must soon expose themselves to meteor strikes with only minimal protection.

In answer to what kind of protective equipment workers might expect to receive from the government, Imperial Zorg stated, “We’re going to make a decision, and hopefully, it’s going to be the right decision. Right now, We’re thinking umbrellas.”

Toy Tantrum Earns Ire

Written without Supervision by E C Koch

ITITY Ebullitions Editor

Washington, DC

At a playdate hosted at Timmy’s yesterday, the scheduled order of events was interrupted after one attendee, Jared, kept all the toys for himself.

Having agreed to initiate a game of “Us and Them,” a local variant of the more well known “Cops and Robbers,” Jared, Timmy, and the other boys split into teams before the altercation commenced.

The aggregation of several witness statements has corroborated a first-hand account claiming that Jared freaked out, piled all the toys from the rec room into a corner, and claimed that distributing the toys among the game’s players was not “how the game worked.”

Even to the repeated admonishments from the boys present, who cited long-standing precedent to the contrary, Jared wouldn’t relent, stating that he would keep “our toys” until Timmy’s mom intervened.

Uncowed Faithful Take Stand

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Hagiographer-in-Residence

The recent crisis has led many states to attempt mitigation by issuing orders preventing in-person attendance of religious services, leading to increased consternation among habitual and casual churchgoers alike.

Some organizations have sought redress in federal courts, claiming that such preventative measures constitute a violation of the first amendment’s commonly understood provision for the freedom of worship and religious expression.

Many parishioners, unwilling to wait for the conclusion of what are anticipated to be lengthy judicial proceedings, are continuing to attend their respective houses of worship regardless of either legal or health consequences.

When asked whether she was concerned that her actions could harm those around her, Cindy Mooncalf of Ohio’s Church of the Callow Heart said, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Why would I worry, I’m covered in—what is this? Ketchup?”

Forget it Jake, it’s MAGA Town

Filed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Prognosticator

The following are just some of the little things you can look forward to after the Donald Trump Traveling Miracle Cure Medicine Show is renewed for four more long years:

The day Steve “Three-card Monte” Mnuchin’s only explanation for how Kim Kardashian’s portrait wound up on the new twenty-dollar bill was “Harriet who?”

The day the governors of all fifty states trampled each other to compete on the One America News Network premiere of Jared Kushner’s Medical Supply Scavenger Hunt.

The day Kid Rock finished hammering out the subtle phrasing of our New National Anthem while casually rolling coal across the howling wasteland we used to call America.

The day the Supreme Court’s favorite frat boy, Bret “Kegger” Kavanaugh, barfed up the idea that being registered as a democrat automatically disqualified one from voting.

The day Vin Diesel received the Academy Award for Best Actor for his sensitive portrayal of Boom-Boom Radley, the mute drag racer in To Curb Stomp a Mockingbird.

The days President Trump reminds us that real power is getting away with bragging about getting away with it. How real was his second inauguration? As real as WrestleMania, sucker.

Chief Exec Calms Concerns

Quacked into the Void by E C Koch

ITITY Capitol Correspondent

At a hastily assembled press conference held earlier this week, President Trump addressed the growing national crisis.

Quelling mounting anxiety that there might be something to worry about, the President returned to his message of reassurance, noting that the country’s best researchers were working tirelessly to guarantee that his health is absolutely not at risk.

Flanked by two adults, Deborah Birx and Anthony Fauci, President Trump continued by reiterating that the best defense against illness is to wear a mask containing incense when in public spaces.

When asked about the credence of a recent study suggesting that illness was caused, in part, by viruses, the President denied the report’s conclusion, stating, “Look, I’m not a doctor, but I have common sense.”