Extremely Proud & Incredibly Verbose

Reported by B F Koch

ITITY 2012 Campaign Correspondent

Conservative think tanks are reportedly working overtime to contain the corrosive damage being done by America’s latest and most absurdly superficial reality television spectacle, the Republican Presidential Debates.

Years of reckless and unrelenting obstructionism has rendered the right wing mindset so methodically mired in impeding progress, they are now arrogantly incapable of pursuing their agenda without unwittingly undermining the platform of their own party.

Between not so subtle appeals to racism and the occasional opportunity to browbeat and bully the moderator, the candidates automatically assault whoever happens to be leading the polls by burying their opponent in a vociferous avalanche of verbal abuse.

The mountain of money made available by unlimited campaign financing has merely managed to fund a cast of characters so completely unqualified it would be a challenge to accept any of them playing the part in a cheap SciFy channel disaster movie.

Congressional Nomenclature Causes Commotion

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Appellation Correspondent

A recent unofficial poll conducted in an attempt to gauge the feelings of congressmen and women concerning the newly appointed Supercongress revealed that opinions regarding the unprecedented commission were almost entirely positive.

The anonymous poll asked questions ranging from what Congress members thought about each party’s selections to the committee, to what members thought about the committee’s unilateral power to draft financial legislation without oversight.

A surprisingly high number of respondents proffered little to no concern regarding the committee’s ability to outline legislation that should prove to have a large and prolonged impact on both the US and world economies.

When asked about the dangers inherent to a single committee’s capacity to control government spending and their present inability to produce any legislation to that end, one unnamed contact stated, “That’s not what we’re worried about. We just don’t like the name; like all of a sudden none of us are ‘super’ anymore. I can tell you that a new bill is now being drawn up that will officially rename the rest of us ‘Super-Duper Congress’.”

A Brief Inventory of Intellectual Bankruptcy

Reported by B F Koch

ITITY 2012 Campaign Correspondent

Instead of producing a credible presidential candidate, the party willing to tear down the entire country to defeat one man persists in picking over its ideologically impoverished cast of charlatans only to come up with none of the above.

Aside from shamelessly pandering to their bobble-headed base, the only thing they seem somewhat adept at is the ability to turn their incredible ignorance into a ploy for raising their public profile.

Arrogant talk show guest Donald Trump was the first to flame out when he bet all his chips on being able to prove the president wasn’t born in Hawaii.

Tiffany trinket collector Newt Gingrich was next, but his short stint only lasted until people remembered he was, well Newt Gingrich.

Unacquainted with the history of the country she imagines herself qualified to be Commander and Chief of, Michelle Bachmann revealed she was running because God told her to, but when another imaginary friend convinced her that vaccines cause retardation, she suffered a setback even her husband couldn’t pray away.

Author of a Social Security is a Ponzi scheme screed, Rick Perry enjoyed a period of popularity until he suddenly revealed three serious limitations, his inability to assemble words into the expression of an intelligent idea, and the fact that he can only count to two.

Negative cultural stereotype themed restaurant chain proprietor Herman Cain caused a commotion until the public caught on to the fact that his straight talking campaign points were cribbed from cartoons and his vaunted economic policy came from a video game.

Long-winded ideas man Newt Gingrich regained frontrunner status and may retain it unless his supporters remember he’s the same Newt Gingrich who while Speaker of the House set the all time record for ethics violations.

Because of his confounding ability to contradict himself in the span of a single sentence, Mitt Romney is about as believable as his statement that corporations are people too.

Considering the concentration of impenetrable idiocy on display, the idea that we would possibly trust one of these know-nothings with nuclear weapons persuasively nullifies our essential instinct for self preservation.

Forget global warming, the critical mass of mind numbing stupidity in this nation is rapidly increasing to the point when it will soon cause the planet to break free of its orbit and fly off into space.

Can we really blame the 1% for buying the government they want while they still have the chance?

An Empire in Decline Displays its Indifference

Dispatched by B F Koch

ITITY Current Events Correspondent

The booing of a gay soldier serving in Iraq, cheering the number of prisoners executed in Texas, applauding the proposition that if people are poor it’s their own fault, shouting “let him die” in support of the opinion that a person without health care should not be helped and entertaining ideas including electrified fences for keeping out immigrants.

In a series of unscripted responses to the ignorant impostors running for president, audiences assessing the applicants to our most important political position have recently revealed the depth of the callousness and moral corruption we now find it increasingly comfortable to countenance.

A hint of how steeped in self deception our twisted society has become was suggested when the campaign contributions of clueless candidate Herman Cain increased after he was confronted with multiple accusations of sexual harassment.

The complete lack of concern with preserving even the pretense of the principles we venerate was then proudly put on view by the students at Penn State University violently protesting the sacking of their coach who covered up crimes committed against children.

If the quality of a culture is judged by the transgressions it tolerates, there is convincing evidence that calling ourselves civilized is no longer a credible claim.

Charity Loses Faith, Still Has Hope

Filed by F Russell Grumman

ITITY Field Reporter

Ockenga, OH

Evangelicals eagerly rooting for the Rapture have been let down yet again. The End of Days, already postponed from June 21 to October 21, is apparently still somewhere in God’s great abeyance file.

Even more disappointed however is the Association of Evangelical Charities 501(c) which, in anticipation of the disappearance of the chosen, organized the collection of their no longer needed worldly goods for a massive multi-location rummage sale intended to benefit those left behind.

Pastor Harold Herald of the organization opined “The passin of dates for the End Times that have a come and a gone durin the last oh, 100 years or so, is a causin some of our members to doubt whether the Last Judgment really is imminent.”

Continuing, Herald added “And repeatedly rampin up for the big sale only to have to stand down when nothin happens is a beginnin to test our patience, not to mention the strain it’s a puttin on our resources.”

Herald then quietly confided “Unlessun the December 21, 2012 prophecy comes true, I’m a gonna have myself some serious reservations regardin future apocalyptic predictions until people actually start disappearin before my very own eyes.”

Occupy This

Dispatched by B F Koch

ITITY Current Events Correspondent

It’s no wonder evolution is such a hard sell these days, considering our perception of the planet and the people living on it hasn’t changed in over two hundred years.

It is not, as some insist, that we’ve forgotten our founders; it’s that we still think it’s our right to plunder whatever portion of the world’s resources we feel entitled to.

As long as we all enjoyed some small share of the spoils, it was easy to overlook the misery we caused for the countless millions who just got in our way.

What we failed to notice however is that eventually our regulations just got in the way, our laws just got in the way, and finally our idea of self governing democracy just got in the way.

We have recently awakened to the realization that the only thing left is us. Now we are in the way.

Intervention For America

Filed by B D Warzecha

ITITY Reporter at Large

Rochester MN

“I understand that everyone has their own opinions as to how I got to where I am. Clearly I’m not perfect, and sure, sometimes I broke the rules and forced myself into places just to get more, but then, I was on top."

“Honestly I was startled when I began to realize that my friends no longer believed a word I said; so I kicked, screamed, and yelled, hoping to get their attention, demanding they do as I say, but they just wouldn’t listen, and often, I simply left them behind."

“It never took long before I needed more, but everyone was on to me and no one was willing to intervene, so I just invaded in order to get it, but it was never enough. Out of money, places to go, and options, I decided to let my friends help."

"How do I feel? Oil has controlled me for the better part of my life. From the time I discovered it I loved it, I needed more, and there was nothing else. It has controlled many decisions, some good, most bad. Without it, I panic and don’t know where to turn. I know I have to find something else, I just hope it’s something that’s easier to score.”