The Revenant of 5th Avenue

Dispatched by B F Koch

ITITY Unusual Events Reporter

New York, NY

As experts review the confusing, often contradictory statements of witnesses who still can’t believe what they saw, and attempt to stitch together the shadowy images of a hundred pieces of cell phone video, a strange and incredible narrative is beginning to emerge.

During the paralyzing blizzard of early February, a man is seen running from a building in midtown Manhattan. His right arm is raised, shielding his face. While some are shouting that his head is on fire, at least three blurry images show only an unruly tangle of unnaturally orange hair.

In several videos it appears as though he is being pursued by a large bird. Some bystanders are saying it’s a raven, yet others insist it’s a bald eagle. Although difficult to discern in the whiteout, in one enhanced frame it looks as if the man’s eyes have been plucked from their sockets.

Crossing 56^th Street, he slips, is struck by a taxi, and then staggers south for two more blocks where he collapses on the icy sidewalk. Before anyone can assist him, a gang of hungry rats drag his broken body down the snow covered stairs into the 53^rd street subway station.

His clothes now in shreds, he slowly crawls across the platform on his hands and knees then falls helplessly onto the tracks. Attempts to help him are halted when his stubby fingers deliberately reach for the third rail. A woman screams as a bright yellow arc briefly illuminates the hideous spectacle.

The smoldering corpse convulses; then falls still. A sickening hiss hangs in the dank air. After a few stomach-turning seconds, the tunnel is silent.

Astonished onlookers then suddenly gasp in horror as the gruesome figure struggles to stand. Gaining his balance, he takes a few faltering steps; then with each stride his pace becomes more confident until he finally disappears into the darkness.

Is Rare Species Worth Saving?

Reported by F. Russell Grumman

ITITY Science Correspondent

The Department of the Interior has opened a public comment period regarding its consideration of placing Dingbatus Palinensis on the endangered species list.  Discovered in 2006 by naturalists studying the habits of Alaskan grizzly bears, this variety of brown bat is characterized by its luxurious fur, large vacant eyes, and an incredibly shrill vocalization sounding like a high pitched "ubetcha, ubetcha". 

Initial observation proved difficult due to the creature’s habit of constantly flying off in the dark in no predictable direction; however researchers finally located its home in the belfry of the Wasilla town hall. After climbing the tower stairs, they found the door almost impossible to open as it had been nearly blocked by a prodigious quantity of solidified guano. This led them to hypothesize that the belfry was a roost for many more individuals than the nuclear family they found.

However, after two years of observation they concluded it was only the female they had originally observed, and to a lesser degree the other members of her brood, that produced a more guano per specimen that any other known species of bat. It is this characteristic that suggested Palinensis should be protected, as further research might identify a sufficient number of examples to have value as a source of natural fertilizer. 

Opponents argue that if there were more, they would have already been found. They further contend that this small group does not merit protection, but is merely an aberrational mutation that simply stinks up any place it appears. Moreover, they site evidence indicating that Palinensis’ droppings are responsible for a diminution of reasoning abilities in those exposed to it for any length of time

A decision is expected in late 2016 after all comments are collected and considered, according to a spokesperson for the panel considering the action. She added that if a threat to public mental health and physical safety can be demonstrated, it may eventually trump the uniqueness and entertainment value of the of the species.

Bullets, Bigots and Born Again Hillbillies

Post-it Note from the Campaign Trail by B F Koch

ITITY 2016 Election Commentator 

Presidential candidate and conservative carnival barker Mike Huckabee recently tried to cash in on the controversy over homophobic county clerk Kim Davis by hosting an Evangelical tent revival upon her release from the local lockup.

Huckabee’s absurd spectacle was attended by a rapturous crowd of good ol’ discriminate-against-thy-neighbor crackers waving crosses, bibles, and that most beloved symbol of inbred southern insularity, the Confederate flag.

The confrontational collection of locked-and-loaded cretins calling themselves the Oath Keepers have sworn to prevent her from being arrested again if Davis doesn’t feel like following the laws she swore an oath to uphold.

In a clever ploy calculated to appeal to his devoted constituents and ensure his domination of the election news, Huckabee himself offered to take her place behind bars.

It’s unclear what part this fantasy may have played in the celebration that followed; however his staff still refuses to comment on the rumor that a hung-over Huckabee awoke the next day beside a half-eaten bag of rainbow Doritos.

The Gold-Plated Monkey Wrench

Contributed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Theater Critic

Those who tuned in to Fox News for the first Republican Presidential Debate were treated to the center stage spectacle of an insult comic campaigning for CEO of USA Inc. The obnoxious billionaire started off by threatening to run as a third party candidate, basically blackmailing his party into nominating him.

The arrogant game show host didn’t offer any policies or positions, but did take the time to tell viewers what he doesn’t have time for, pompously reminded everyone he was rich enough to purchase political favors, and continued his puerile attempt to promote himself by putting everyone else down.

Despite declaring himself the winner, the former beauty pageant sponsor still felt that Megyn Kelly had treated him unfairly by bringing up his history of demeaning women. On CNN the next day he called her a bimbo.

It’s no surprise that this thin-skinned celebrity is leading the polls. There are plenty of people who see in the Prima Donald their own dumbed-down version of the American dream: having a bank account big enough to buy whatever they want, yet still getting to behave like the same boorish slob they were when they were barely scraping by on a small weekly paycheck.

The One That Almost Got Away

Reported by F. Russell Grumman

ITITY Media Maven

Washington D.C.

A recent statement from C-Span said they considered the upcoming Benghazi hearings “inappropriate and inconsistent” with their public affairs programming. Of course cable news will cover it, CNN will offer their emotional anguish perspective, MSNBC will present their typical sarcastic commentary, and Fox News can always be counted on to make their usual conspiracy noises.

Without C-Span however, it was beginning to look like hardcore political viewers would be left holding their remotes. That is until Director of Programming Ray Bob “Bobber” Budnik announced earlier today that complete gavel-to-gavel coverage of the proceedings of the House Select Committee would be aired by The Fishing Channel.

“You can bet I’ll be wearing my hip waders when we get into this,” Budnik remarked, “but I think our audience will be able to relate. Fishing isn't just about catching a fish. It’s about process, it’s about technique. It’s as much about patience and persistence as it is about success. That’s why, for two years in a row, we've awarded our Hook, Line, and Sinker Award to Darryl Issa.”

This will not be the first time Budnik has tested the political waters. In 2010 he proposed a constitutional amendment making it a right for every American to own a fly rod.

Surprise in San Diego

Dispatched by B F Koch

ITITY Current Events Columnist

It looks like Christie, Cruz, Paul, Perry, Rubio, Ryan, and Walker will all have to wait their turns. After winning the recent CPAC straw poll, and the enthusiastic endorsement of both Sarah Palin and Rudi Giuliani, the party’s two political thought leaders most unhindered by analytical reasoning, Vladimir Putin has emerged as the new 2016 Republican presidential front-runner.

In what may be a related development, Bob Costas has reportedly poked himself in both eyes with a sharp stick. 

Not for Nuttin’, Big Guy

Filed by B F Koch

ITITY East Coast Political Correspondent

The ongoing investigation into New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s involvement in restricting Fort Lee residents’ access to the George Washington Bridge may be affecting his popularity among some of his Garden State constituents.

One of his former supporters, Nicky “Nads” Nutella offered his take on the controversy “It woulda been beautiful. I mean freakin’ beautiful. A real Jersey wise guy in the White House, I mean, one of us, in the freakin’ White House. Can you imagine? It woulda been freakin’ beautiful.”

Nutella continued “Yea, but now I’m not so sure, ya know. It’s like this thing Sister Marie Theresa used to tell us when we was kids, just make sure it’s worth it before ya pull this kinda shit in the first place. She told us that all the time. In fact I still got a mark over here from that one time she told us.

So now everybody wants to know what he knew. Did he know? How would I know? What I do know is that the big guy always knows. My uncle Carmine taught me that. So if he didn’t know what he was supposed to know, maybe he’s not the big guy we thought we knew. Ya know?”