Served by
B F Koch
ITITY
Arts and Education Editor
Wake up
kids, it’s time for breakfast. And you know what they say, you can’t make an
omelet without killing half the population of some third-world shithole you
probably can’t pronounce or even find on a map, stealing all their resources,
and leaving a toxic waste-dump no one can possibly live in where their country
used to be. So drink your orange juice and don’t worry, they never complain.
The adults
have decided to cut your lunch programs so their rich friends don’t have to pay
so many taxes, so eat up. And remember, the ramblings of a Nobel Prize-winning
economist divided by zero– which is all you’re going to be left with–is still
just irrational gibberish. So don’t be so quick to spend that money the tooth
fairy left you. If you want to go to college, you’re going to need it.
Hey,
boys and girls, here’s a game you haven’t learned yet called conspiratorial
craziness. “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi,” say it out loud three times and the
ghost of Richard Nixon will appear. He’ll scare your hamster right out of his
cage, and your dog won’t come home for a week, but you can bring him to show-and-tell
if you’d like. Just get your mom to sign the subpoena.
Hurry up
then, you don’t want to miss the bus. Off to school now, and remember what the
teacher said about not smoking near that factory on the other side of the
playground fence. And don’t forget
your ballistic back packs; you never know when you might get in the way of someone
else’s second amendment rights.
So study
hard, take those tests, and learn smart stuff because, oh yeah we forgot to tell
you, you’ll be in charge of this mess tomorrow. And take the long way home…
