Friday, September 30, 2011

New Political Group Founded

Contributed by E C Koch
ITITY Political Correspondent

Plymouth MA

The popularization of a new political faction, consisting largely of congressional members and excommunicated Ron Paul staffers, has recently been found to be in violation of the traditional governing edict concerning the separation of church and state.

This group, calling itself The Puritans, espouses, along with fiscal and social conservativism, a literal interpretation of the US constitution, which serves as their sacred text, and is treated as such.

Group leaders argue that the original document should be enough to govern a nation, and that amendments should be interpreted as acononical bastardizations of the founding fathers’ original intentions.

When asked about the contradictory nature of the group’s stance on the typical adherence of the Establishment Clause, group leader Michele Bachmann responded, “After George Washington created the United States in seven days he inspired Thomas Jefferson to write this holy document and it shouldn't be tampered with. I mean, this is fact; it’s literally in our kid’s textbooks! It’s being taught in our schools!”

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Cantor Receives Rare Honor

Hung Out To Dry by F Russell Grumman
ITITY West Wing Watchdog

Washington DC

In a rare event the low profile organization of ultra-rich activists that calls itself the Paternal Order of Oligarchic Patriots has bestowed its highest honor recognizing political insensitivity upon House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

Prior recipients of this award, acknowledging an extraordinary level of brazen hubris displayed by political figures, have included: Gerald Ford for telling New York to “Go to Hell,” Jessie Jackson for his famous “Hymie-Town” remark, and Trent Lott for wondering aloud how great it would have been if Strom Thurmond had been elected President in 1948 on his staunch segregationist platform.

“The line between political courage and completely insensitive stupidity, commonly referred to as the ‘Chris Christie boundary,’ is often unclear;” according to the award committee, “especially at the emotional moment the statement was spluttered.”

After telling the press that FEMA aid to catastrophe-stricken communities should be held hostage to more budget cuts, the award committee unanimously voted to bestow the prestigious and coveted Marie Antoinette Award to Cantor, who now joins the lofty ranks of Jackson and Thurmond.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Have We Done Enough Damage Yet?

Contributed by B F Koch
ITITY Political Commentator

We responded to a criminal act committed by stateless actors by violating international law and invading a sovereign state, then another and yet another. Politicians, pundits and media personalities, all reading from the same page of the propaganda playbook, have been complicit in convincing us this somehow made us safer.

At some point the potential presented by a trillion dollar a year security industry made perpetuating the threat more profitable than actually making us more secure. As we repeatedly remind ourselves that we will never forget, we focus our attention on what they did to us, overlooking what we did to us.

We can take some small comfort from the possibility that the people who hate us for our freedoms probably hate us a little bit less after we passed the Patriot Act. Now, in order to protect them, we treat our own citizens as suspects. Our paranoia has made it possible that we may lose everything before we notice anything is missing.

In a country whose history has been completely confused by relentless revisionism, it is sometimes a challenge to recognize our failures. The bad news is that for the past ten years we have continued to double down on dumb decisions. We have failed, but it’s an American failure, so we love it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Congress Asks Citizens To Save Date

Filed by B D Warzecha
ITITY Reporter At Large

Washington DC

Earlier this week, after Michelle Bachmann, fearing her waining relevance, reportedly walked through her kitchen, noticed that her calendar was nearly ended, and immediately called upon members of Congress to come together, drop everything, and join her Save The World campaign.

This newly conjectured end-of-the-world date has driven another popular minority into hysterics, while the US has pledged that it will contribute over $2 Trillion to the efforts of Save The World, 25 other leading countries have vowed that if the world is actually saved by these efforts, they will erase all US debt.

As politicians work around the clock to avoid engaging any real world issues, grocery stores, convenience stores, and gas stations nationwide have been emptied of essentials. "It's like hurricane Irene all over again," said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, "but this time there's no need to take all the food and water, if it's the end of the world, you won't need it."

Leading calendar publisher and expert in the field, Andrews McMeel, has reportedly been asked by Congressional leaders and Save The World to publish an early release of their 2012 edition, effectively erasing the US debt, a publication that remains forthcoming.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Newest Reserve Currency Announced

Reported by E C Koch
ITITY Banking Commentator

Atlantic City NJ

After a months-long deliberation among prominent government leaders and international financiers, it was recently announced that the world’s reserve currency has again been reassessed and changed.

The anchor currency, that for so long has been the US Dollar, and, in part, controls both foreign exchange rates and commodities pricing, has been switched to the more stable and inflation protected Monopoly Money.

This decision, which some bankers have been anticipating for several years, tails a recent trend in global economics that has cast a shadow of doubt upon the stability of the US economy and has citizens the world over raiding their cabinets and cupboards seeking this newly valuated tender.

Parker Brothers, in reaction to the news, has stated that they will continue to produce the popular board game, but that it will consequently be adjusted for inflation and issued with the requisite quantity of, now worthless, American dollars.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Naming Rights to Raise Revenue

Flash from the Front by G Izzy Nasti

Sources within the Obama administration have confirmed that a reliable and recognized method of raising revenue that does not involve increasing taxes is rapidly gaining widespread support.

Essentially the scheme involves the time honored American tradition of selling product placements, but this time on money, national monuments and other communal assets in proportion to the prominence and importance of the placement.

Initial estimates by the Congressional Budget Office have indicated the program, if properly promoted, could potentially raise hundreds of billions of dollars even if foreign corporations were considered ineligible.

Possible procurements may produce the Wal-Mart Supreme Court, White Castle White House and the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Combined Shows Capitol Building.

The Pentagon could provide opportunities for offsetting its bloated budget with the Boeing Edwards Air Force Base, the USS Banana Republic and F-16 tails emblazoned with the United Airlines logo.

Not to be overlooked is the profit potential of US currency. Soon people may be able to pay for their fast food with the McDonald’s Dollar Menu dollar bill or the Subway Five Dollar Foot Long fiver.

While polls have indicated a positive response to the LL Bean Yosemite National Park, the Viagra Medicare card and the Goldman, Sachs Government Bond concepts apparently need some propping up.

Asked for his position, Speaker John Boehner said that while the plan to privatize public properties sounded promising, because the President is in favor of the policy, many in his caucus would protest it, simply as a matter of principle.