Saturday, April 30, 2011

Species Back From Brink

Portland OR

There was exciting news earlier this week as another former endangered species was taken off the endangered species list after it was discovered that they were, in reality, left on the list mistakenly, ensuring their protection for far too long, resulting in what is now considered an overpopulation problem.

It was originally feared that their propensity toward self-destructive behavior would lead to their inevitable extinction, necessitating their preservation, as they have been known to periodically step out in front of traffic, eat themselves to death, and even fatally attack each other with little to no provocation.

Prior to their comeback it was universally held that such an explicitly stupid animal could not possibly survive on its own without outside intervention, however their prodigious, and heretofore wholly unexpected growth rate, has seen them back from peril. Currently scientists can only speculate as to how the reintroduction of the species will ultimately affect the environment, but they remain hopeful that their natural levels will be quickly achieved.

Scientists’ attentions were brought to this issue of overpopulation after it was observed that this species had in fact begun concentrating into large groups, termed states, where without the threat of natural selection, they had actually achieved the manipulation of their own environs, while openly worshiping what appears to be a remarkably delicate system of bartering, coined economy; both of which distinguishes this species as entirely unique and, arguably, worth protecting.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Tea Party Turns Tepid

Contributed by B F Koch
ITITY Political Affairs Columnist

Boston MA

Judging by recent lukewarm rally attendance, the strange media spectacle known as the Tea Party, once boiling over with boisterous belligerence, seems to have lost some of its seething self righteous steam, their protest signs proclaiming increasingly indifferent insults while still revealing their feeble unfamiliarity with spell check, are frequently facing the dwindling indifference of an apparently apathetic audience.

Yet the comically uncoordinated Don’t Tread on Me flag waving colonial era costume carnival continues to collectively sip their weak brew, desperately defending a disturbingly distorted interpretation of the Constitution that drastically distills the document down to two simple assurances, the right to freely voice their confused cup half empty policy positions, which curiously contradict their own self interests, and the right to steadfastly support their presumptuously paradoxical pronouncements with fully loaded lethal weapons.

Still sleepily steeped in the deliriously deranged notion that they are following in the footsteps of our founding fathers, this pathetic parade of posturing patriots are blissfully blind to the fact that they are only doing the bidding of a bunch of bingeing billionaires bent on drinking it all and leaving them holding the cold soggy bag of inevitable irrelevance.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

William Morris Lands Ensign

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Current Affairs Reporter

Las Vegas NV

The Las Vegas office of the famed William Morris Agency today confirmed that it will represent disgraced and now resigned U.S. Senator John Ensign (R-NV). Morris stated that it is exploring a number of options on Ensign’s behalf, first and foremost is a one-man show starring Ensign as the legendarily self-absorbed narcissist J. Peterman, made famous by his clueless antics on The Seinfeld Show, who he closely resembles.

While Ensign has no professional acting experience, his natural talent for acting was clear, having performed in the Senate for years as a faithful family man and stalwart upholder of American family values, displaying outrage at every opportunity over immorality of every kind, while privately out-philandering even Newt Gingrich.

A spokesperson for Morris said, “Senator Ensign’s ability to combine unsurpassed compartmentalization with world class hypocrisy speaks for itself with respect to his acting ability. Moreover, it was thought for years that Ensign was actually doing his impression of Peterman whenever he spoke on the Senate floor, so doing it on-stage would not be much of a stretch.”

Morris went on to indicate that it is currently in negotiations on Ensign’s behalf with both Donald Trump and the West Las Vegas Motel 6 for rights to host a show, tentatively titled, “It’s The Peter, Man!” To sweeten the deal, Morris said that Ensign is prepared to consider acting as a casino greeter at no additional charge on the condition that he be provided with escorts at no additional charge, save for the requisite gratuity.

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Missing Child Fails To Cause Concern

Aligorry IN

In a sort of syzygial alignment of harrowing factors, it was found earlier today that Middle Class, once America’s favorite son, which has been slowly fading from view for several years, has been reported missing. Investigators for the case have already determined that if Middle Class disappears, and there’s no one around to hear it, he does not, in fact, make a sound.

Though for some time now many have speculated on the possibility of this happening, as he has faced the burdens of financial crisis in the face of rising unemployment and cost of living, few considered the likelihood that he would actually vanish outright.

Growing herds of rather nonplussed plebs are already considering the consequences of an ethereal Middle Class, and are beginning to grow restless as their dreams of social mobility have now reached a pronounced nadir.

Police at the scene were asked about the evanescence, one of whom responded, “Middle Class is a troubled kid and by the looks of things he just ran away. Usually in these cases we expect to see them come back after a few days at the most. Me, I’m not too worried about it.”

Saturday, April 23, 2011

It Was Only a Matter of Time

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Current Events Reporter

City Upon a Hill USA

Causing incalculable damage to our collective self image, in a catastrophic failure that occurred just after dawn this morning, the country’s most revered myth, American Exceptionalism collapsed under its own crushing weight.

Its foundation crumbling from decades of neglect and continuously undermined by our constant demands for easy answers to hard questions, eroded by our complete inability to cope with present challenges, the great myth was finally too weak to buttress our adamant belief that we were somehow immune to the stresses that affect all cultures.

Severely strained by recent justifications for our insistent interventionism, the great myth was ultimately incapable of supporting the accumulated burden of the false memories of our Frontier Spirit, the arrogant interpretations of our Rugged Individualism, and the exploitative references to our Founding Fathers.

Sifting through the rubble in shock and disbelief, politicians, pundits and media personalities, still unable to articulate any meaningful vision of our future, are yet fearful of criticizing the great myth itself, intimidated that such thoughtful introspection will only be interpreted by the flag lapel pin wearing public as patently unpatriotic.

Friday, April 22, 2011

Paul Ryan Unveils New Budget Plan

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Financial Correspondent

Madison WI

Stating that neither the Republican nor Democrat budget cutting plans went far enough, earlier today Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) released his own national budget plan for fiscal 2012, wherein 100% of the Federal budget would be cut.

Rep. Ryan castigated the GOP for not ending all oil and food subsidies, and for funding the Department of Defense and the IRS. He further stated that Democrats have shown themselves to be “unrepentantly profligate with the People’s money by first collecting it as taxes and then spending it on such socialistic giveaways as Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Obamacare, student aid, food and drug safety, the DEA and NPR.”

When asked by a reporter if he understood that such a cut would mean a permanent shutdown of the entire Federal Government, including Congress, a stop to all Social Security payments, and would essentially abandon U.S. troops in Iraq and Afghanistan, while causing a default on all Federal debt, Rep. Ryan responded candidly: “Your point being what?”

After an uncomfortable silence Ryan went on to add, “The problem with government, is government. With all due respect to our Founding Fathers, the government that governs best governs not at all. The only way to avoid the slippery slope to Socialism is to starve the government to death. Tax nothing. Regulate nothing. And preserve order by allowing every citizen to use their God-given right to bear arms to determine for themselves how to administer immediate justice to make sure no one interferes with their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Living Donkeyfish Captured

Filed by E C Koch
ITITY Science Reporter

Queensland AU

The curious subject of Guugu Yimithirr legend since time immemorial, the mysterious and bizarre Donkeyfish, which has long been considered a mythical creature of Aboriginal oral history, has been found to actually exist.

The marine biology department of the University of Alice Springs, the same institution that recently discovered the White Elephant Bird, while conducting field research at the Great Barrier Reef, observed and captured a live Donkeyfish, Sarcopterygii Jaxassis, and has brought it back to the university for further study.

Incredibly a large number of characteristics attributed to the Donkeyfish, which until recently were wholly discounted as impossible, have in fact been maintained through observation.

Contrary to what most biologists have come to expect from prey species, the Donkeyfish does not appear to travel in schools but rather elects to swim on its own, often changing their trajectory based on the positions of other Donkeyfish around them. The Donkeyfish also appears to only be able to move with the direction of the tides, making the reef an ideal habitat. Some Donkeyfish that tried to swim against the current were seen to be in great discomfort, and could not continue for very long.

Most notably the Donkeyfish’s ability to persist as a species has been called into question due to its extreme mortality. Like other species of its genus the Donkeyfish will go belly-up at the first sign of confrontation. Also they are completely intolerant to temperature change, and if put under any kind of pressure have been seen to quickly shrivel up and die, making the live capture of a Donkeyfish an even more remarkable feat.

University biologists, after observing the fish for several days, are already sardonically quipping that, should you want to see a live Donkeyfish, you should leave now.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

It Happened Because They Could Get Away With It

Reported by B F Koch
ITITY Financial Correspondent

New York NY

The Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations just released 650 page report, Wall Street and the Economic Crisis: Never Before in the Course of Human Events, Have We Been So Silent, While So Few, Ripped Off So Many, For So Long, documents a systemic “criminogenic culture of corruption” created when bankers who believed they could make their own rules were overseen by regulators who didn’t believe in regulation.

The finding identifies numerous examples of dubious documentations, fictitious fees, artificial appraisals, contrived credit scores, half baked employment histories, inflated incomes, spurious signatures, deceptive derivative instruments, contaminated commodities, tainted trusts, rigged ratings, vague valuations, forged financializations, conjured collateralizations, specious securitizations, egregious embezzlements, fraudulent foreclosures, ambiguous assurances, gratuitous guarantees and totally bogus bookkeeping.

After concluding that Wall Street had indeed engineered the largest financial fraud in the history of capitalism, and before referring to the Department of Justice any recommendations for criminal prosecution, the committee abruptly adjourned so that the Senate agenda would have adequate time to address the serious and pressing issue of doping in professional beach volleyball.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Drug Trial Prematurely Ended

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Cognitive Neuroscience Correspondent

Washington DC

In a joint statement released today by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and pharmaceutical multinational GlaxatixBovineScatt (GBS), it was announced that the current national drug study being conducted by GBS on the hitherto promising memory loss prevention drug, Flipaflopin, is being ended because of dangerous side effects.

According to the FDA, the drug was being tested primarily on politicians, a high-risk study group in which forgetfulness, the drug’s targeted symptom, is both common and easily observable. In the days before everything a politician said was recorded and retained by the media, this political forgetfulness was often tragically mistaken for merely reversing positions out of convenience, exemplified in the now well known cases of Sen. John Kerry and former Gov. Mitt Romney.

Ultimately the disturbing trend that caused the discontinuance of the trial was that subject politicians forgot that everything they said was being recorded, and could be easily replayed once they contradicted themselves, before they would subsequently deny having even made the statement after having their contradictory statements played back to them, effectively compounding the symptom the drug was originally intended to cure.

The critical decision was made to cancel the trial after the FDA revealed that the problems with Flipaflopin began to surface in 2010, when test subject and Nevada Senate candidate Sharon Angle, vehemently denied that she ever talked about “Second Amendment remedies” and later when subject Sen. John McCain (R-AZ), denied having said he even thought of himself as a “Maverick.” Politicians’ memory loss and forgetfulness is expected to continue indefinitely until the adverse effects of Flipaflopin can be remedied.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Presidential Candidate Goes Unnoticed

Contributed by E C Koch
ITITY 2012 Campaign Correspondent

Des Moines IA

As much of the mainstream news coverage has been dominated by the recent palaver concerning government shutdown, it is perhaps unsurprising that last week the announcement of a new unforeseen presidential candidate has been largely overlooked. However, with little fanfare, which is somewhat appropriate for the untraditional nature of the entrant, Droopy Dog has declared his intent to run for president in 2012.

Though many pundits have speculated that a cartoon could not possibly win a presidential election, another animated character, Donald “Duck” Trump, has already declared his intent to run and has in fact seen considerable support, which could ultimately represent a considerable challenge to Obama’s potential second term.

In response to Droopy Dog’s announcement Donald Trump has launched an independent investigation into the origins of Mr. Dog’s birth, based on unsubstantiated rumors of his alleged alien status, that Trump, in fact, is suspected of starting.

In reaction to these latest announcements, a poll was taken of state voters asking whether they would consider a cartoon character for president, of which 95% responded in the affirmative. While some antagonists have begun to question the legitimacy of these estimates, no comment has been made to this point addressing the conspicuous absence of an alternative choice.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Histrionics on Capitol Hill

Reported by B F Koch
ITITY Political Correspondent

Washington DC

It started with a faint odor and a whiff of smoke. A piece of bread in a toaster had refused to budge.  As word of the incident filled the crowded congressional cafeteria, confusion quickly became commotion and finally, complete chaos.

Democrats convened to consider a compromise to cut toast from the menu, while Republicans issued a demand to strip the benefits of the unionized food service staff and launched an immediate investigation into their citizenship.

Anderson Cooper suddenly appeared in a sooty hoodie, Wolf Blitzer wisely blathered that where there’s smoke there is usually fire, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta cautiously warned about the health hazards of inhaling airborne combustion products.

Tea Party supporters steadfastly defended American white bread supremacy, concerned environmentalists carried on about the carbon, and fundamentalist crackpots decried it a sign that secular society was condemned to the flames of damnation.

Glenn Beck began raving about a radical atheist scorched earth conspiracy, Megyn Kelly stubbornly insisted she was right about something, and Bill O’Reilly relentlessly ranted about the burning desire of liberals to destroy democracy.

Ed Schultz showed up, excited to be anywhere Americans were doing anything, Rachael Maddow smoldered sardonically, and Chris Matthews hazily reminisced about a smoked ham sandwich.

Then an assistant chief rescued the slightly singed slice and it was all over. He was hailed by all as “The Hero of the Hill”. James O’Keefe later released a video blaming the kitchen helper for causing a conflagration.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Contraption Harnesses Hot Air

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Aerotechnology Reporter

Washington DC

The U.S. Department of Energy announced recently that it has awarded a block grant of $10 million to Mr. Asher Taulk of Sausalito, CA, who earlier this year was issued a patent for a combined microphone/micro-wind turbine called the Bloviator Generator. The device looks very much like the classic pinwheel toy, except that its propellers are made from durable ultralite materials sensitive to the exhalation of someone speaking into the high quality microphone located at its axis. Like the full-sized wind turbines with which everyone is familiar, the mechanical energy created by its motion is efficiently turned into electricity by a micro-turbine.

The DOE said, after having tested prototypes of the device at speakers’ rostrums in the Senate and House of Representatives, as well as in the White House Press Room, specifically during the past six weeks of budget debate, that they were so impressed by the device that they transferred funds that had previously been earmarked for a congressionally-earmarked project, that would now not go forward because of budget cuts, to the grant to Mr. Taulk for commercial development of the production of his device.

Leaders at the DOE went on to say that they had severely underestimated both the amount of air that could be produced by their test audience and the incredible efficiency of the device, noting that the latter is especially remarkable considering how no one in government is very familiar with anything that does anything efficiently. Estimating the utility of the device, the DOE said they believed that by installing one of them at every microphone used by every branch and every level of government in the country over the next five years, they could generate enough electricity to entirely eliminate the need for coal or nuclear power plants within the United States.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Corporate Acquisition Appears Imminent

Washington HQ

The most recent development out of United States of Canada Inc. corporate headquarters in Washington is that the acquisition of Scandicorp LLC, which has been rumored over the past several months, has reached the final stages of negotiations. Scandicorp, whose 2037 consolidation joined the five Scandinavian nations as well as the Netherlands to become the seventh largest company worldwide, have agreed to what should represent the first ever intercontinental corporate merger.

Scandicorp’s majority ownership of the Iraqistani Oil and Date subsidiary, among other energy holdings, should serve to ease domestic fuel costs where prices have climbed to as high as $18.50 per metric gallon.

Citizen-shareholders of USC Inc. are being told to expect a positive, however marginal, gain in stock prices by the upcoming quarter in direct response to the merger, regardless of a future stock valuation. Outside of the direct impact in reduced fuel and dried fruit prices, this merger should also present a considerable reduction in economic pressure, exerted primarily by USC Inc.’s closest competitor ChinAsia Group.

USC Inc. president and CEO Bristol Palin stated concerning the acquisition, “We look forward to a simple and painless transition as Scandicorp shifts into their new corporate home. Naturally, we the citizen-shareholders of United States of Canada Inc., anticipate a mutually beneficial partnership with Scandicorp, and see the expansion of our corporate-nation as evidence of our superior business prowess. Of course we’re aware that it will take them time to learn the language, customs, and derivatives formulas, but given their impressive record we don’t foresee any problems. Obviously, given the direction that corporate-nations worldwide are headed, namely toward consolidation, we are very pleased to have reached an equitable agreement with Scandicorp.”

Thursday, April 14, 2011

iPhone App Potentially Changes Political Discourse

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Technology Editor

Silicon Valley CA

Electronic gizmo enthusiasts are anxiously anticipating the latest gotta have gadget, a Voice Stress Analysis application that turns the popular iPhone into a hand held deception detector.

The Apple VSA-1 will display three color coded alert levels that range from yellow for slightly skeptical statements, to orange for definitely dubious declarations, to red for unreservedly unbelievable utterances.

Prevaricating politicians have expressed calculated concern for the possible degradation of public confidence, while mendacious media personalities appear apprehensive about the undeserved damage to their questionable careers.

In an unprecedented bipartisan effort, scheming lawmakers have hastily begun drafting legislation to rigorously regulate the threatening technology, strenuously supported by manipulative news networks.

When asked about the impact of the new product, and the strategy of already announcing the upcoming VSA-2, Steve Jobs replied “They’ll just have to rely on people’s short term memory, I guess. We do”.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Fiery Pastor Nearly Drowns

Contributed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Current Affairs Correspondent

Gainesville FL

Reese Manning, Captain of the Gainesville Volunteer Fire Department recalls this afternoon’s incident at Reverend Terry Jones’s Dove World Outreach Center “As I recollect, me and the men were just a drivin by when we seen the smoke. Considerin how dry it’s been in these parts lately, we figured we’d best have a look”.

“There were about a dozen of em in there, looked like the whole congregation was a havin themselves a barbeque. Seemed innocent enough at first, but of course with ole Terry you just can’t be too careful. So I figured we were obliged to you know, hose er down a little bit”.

“I never seen the men get so carried away though. By the time it was over I think they pumped enough dang water to float a dang ark. Near as likely drained that there swamp over yonder. Drippin parishioners was a runnin every which way. At one point Terry was face down in it, but I think he’s probably alright now”.

“Well, I recon y’all heard about how things have a way of, you know catchin fire around here. So yeah, we baptized the sumbitch alright”.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Congress Considers Official Language

Washington DC

Amid the prattle and vitriol recently surrounding the possible government shutdown, undoubtedly inspired by and dedicated to Hanlon and his razor, this week congress proposed new legislation intended to define the official language of the United States as Politically-Correct English.

The bill, which at first appeared doomed to failure and endless revision, has met with support from both major parties as politicians, regardless of affiliation, find that they are already fluent in the language, while concurrently seeking any distraction from the imminent furlough of all non-essential personnel.

This legislation comes in response to a speech given by John Boehner, the one-time piccolo virtuoso and current House speaker, who demurely demanded a reduction in the national Hurt Feelings Quotient to 3.72%. The bill has already isolated a list of 1,073 officially politically-incorrect words and phrases, what are to be referred to as non-words, which is only expected to increase in the weeks and months to follow. Additionally it has been suggested that the word ‘America’ assume the status of verb, adjective, and adverb, and that the tittle above the ‘i’ and ‘j’ be replaced with a heart.

All issues pertaining to actual bigotry, intolerance, or budgetary disputes have yet to be addressed.

Monday, April 11, 2011

America’s Got Politics

New York NY

Donald Trump and NBC have announced plans for Presidential Apprentice, a new reality show set to premier this fall season in which unqualified contestants will compete for the prize of becoming Trump’s 2012 vice presidential running mate.

NBC Programming Analyst, Tess Patton chimed in “Traditional debates are dull, have been done to death, and don’t pull the numbers. Serious deliberations are too demanding, complex positions too confusing, and discussing the deficit is just depressing. Real people with real emotions, that’s what American audiences tune in to. You want an intellectual challenge, sit down with a sudoku puzzle; this is prime time television”.

Rival networks vying for viewer share have already begun developing their own concepts. CBS intends to strike strategically with Senate Survivor, FOX will fight the ratings conflict with Congressional Idol, and not to be outdone, ABC expects a distinct advantage with Dancing Around the Issues.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Snapple’s Far Out New Flavor

Contributed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Cultural Trends Correspondent

Plano TX

In response to increasing demand Snapple announced today that it will soon be rolling out a new flavor of its popular beverage primarily intended for the young adult market.
The new herbal flavor will be manufactured in Mexico by a Snapple subsidiary and in addition to the usual best stuff, will contain some really good stuff obtained from local sources.

Snapple Head of Product Innovation, Bud Bhang elaborated “The idea just hit me dude. Yeah I was thinking, well you know like Coca Cola right, yea Coca Cola was um, well they had this special formula dude, and uh, yeah it was formulated to um, uh what was I, oh yeah to give people who drank it dude, with uh, with like a feeling um, a feeling of uh, oh yeah that’s it, a feeling of like well being dude. So dude I was thinking, you know that we should do um, like uh, you know we should like um, like do a special formula too. That’s it, that’s what I was thinking dude, it just like hit me”.

The new flavor will be sold in states where relaxed legislation permits its consumption, and will contain an easily overlooked “May Increase Appetite and Reduce Concentration” health warning.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Teacher Tried On Corruption Charges

Filed by E C Koch
ITITY Education Editor

New Athens IA

Parents at local Hellas Regional High School have taken legal action against the school’s contentious philosophy teacher and baklava enthusiast, Mr. Sokriteese, on charges of corruption and impiety. Though the charges were filed for largely symbolic reasons, Mr. S, as he’s known familiarly by his students, has in fact been found guilty and currently awaits sentencing.

In a bizarre demonstration of legal theatrics a sophisticated team of three lawyers acted for the prosecution, while Mr. S chose to act as his own defense. When asked to account for his classroom behavior, where he is known to ask questions for the entire class period, Mr. S preferred instead to relate a story about a friend’s spelunking expedition from several years earlier, none of which was admitted to the record.

On the charges of corruption specifically, Mr. S remarked somewhat aloofly, “What is corruption? Is it to change something from one state to another? If so, then indeed teaching is corruption as it changes the student from a state of ignorance to enlightenment. So yes, as a teacher, I stand guilty of these charges of corrupting the youth.”

Though some are beginning to claim that they never meant for things to escalate to the point of actual prosecution, most parents are adamant that Mr. S remains a genuine threat to their children. The mother of a Hellas High senior, Mrs. Meletous said, “It’s time this Mr. S just sticks to the curriculum. All he’s going to accomplish with his so-called method is to create a legion of senseless kids who have only been taught how to question. I think surely it’s clear now that we won’t stand for such perversions.”

Friday, April 8, 2011

Audit Reveals Crime Families Received TARP Funds

Reported by B F Koch
ITITY Financial Correspondent

New York NY

A recent Senate audit of the Federal Reserve has confirmed that five notorious criminal organizations, classified by the New York Fed Chairman as cultural assets, received millions in economic relief.

A spokesman for one of the families, Johnny “Ice Man” Gelato commented on the report “We used to earn our money; ya know the old fashioned way, by stealing it. But after the Wall Street mob pulled off the biggest boost in history, and in broad daylight I might add, there was literally nuttin left.”

Gelato continued “In desperation, me and some of the boys took up play acting; ya know murder mystery stories in the dinner theater circuit. We were playing ourselves, or more to the point, parodies of ourselves, if ya know what I mean”.

“But it didn’t work out so good. Them audiences in the Catskills just wanted to know what happened to Tony Soprano. Tony freakin Soprano, gimmie a freakin break. And the cruise ships, fuggedaboutit. Youse ever try followin a lounge act with a smokin hot dish in a slinky sequined dress? But I digress, my point is, is that it was humiliatin”.

“So they made us an offer, and we cut ourselves a deal. Now they pay us money, to not steal the money, that’s already been stolen. And we put on cultural festivals that attract tourists, ya know like Broadway. In the end I think it worked out pretty good for everybody”.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Fabled White Elephant Bird Found

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Field Science Reporter

Alice Springs AU    

Long the subject of folk tales among the aborigines of the Great Australian Outback, descriptions of the Elephant Bird seemed so bizarre they were usually dismissed by the scientific community.

Zoologists at The University of Alice Springs announced today however, that they had indeed confirmed the existence of new species of large flightless bird, Delusionus Pachydermia, the Elephant Bird. All white and similar in size to its closest relatives, the Ostrich and Emu, the Elephant Bird has been observed in its isolated habitat to share their behavior of hiding its head in the sand.

Older males sport a silver crest and have the ability to puff themselves up to attract the red beaked females. He is usually followed by a small group of younger males that squawk excitedly every time he squawks. Basically scavengers of opportunity, Elephant Birds have been known to forage on the leaves of an indigenous wild tea plant that contains a mild hallucinogen.

By far the most distinctive feature of the Elephant Bird is its enormously overdeveloped right wing and its almost totally atrophied left wing. The birds run in large groups called parties, smaller groups called caucuses and, because of their imbalanced frame, seem to endlessly circle to the right, while squawking loudly in unison.

Interestingly when they complete a circle, ending up at the same place they started, they get very excited as if proclaiming they have arrived somewhere new. This behavior tends to ruin their habitat making it difficult for them to propagate widely, problems the Elephant Bird seems oblivious to.

Elephant Birds, especially females under the influence of wild tea, have been observed to kill members of their own party whose right wing was not fully developed or whose left wing not fully atrophied; a strange act of imposed selection that inhibits species diversity. While they seem to flourish in Southern and rural environments, their long term prospects appear to be seriously endangered.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Conundrum On Capitol Hill

Reported by E C Koch
ITITY Political Correspondent

Washington DC

Due to an interesting recent development, both major political parties have become increasingly frustrated when it was discovered that they were in a state of temporary non-existence.

This development arose after it was found on the official website for both the Republican and Democratic parties that each defined themselves wholly in opposition to the other. Therefore both parties have dissolved, curiously, into a recursive state of non-being, a situation that philosophers commonly refer to as a tautology.

Simply stated the Democrats define themselves as that which is not Republican and the Republicans define themselves as that which is not Democratic, resulting in a logical redundancy whereby neither party can actually be said to exist.

When presented with this quandary, and told that the only way to return into existence would be to stand for something aside from remaining strictly opposed to the competing party, leaders from both sides of the aisle could only vociferously reject the notion. One political leader stated concerning the issue, “What we need now are politicians who will unquestioningly tow the party line. American politics has no room for independent thought.”

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Constitution Abruptly Amended

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Political Correspondent

Washington DC

Virginia Representative and House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, along with a small group of his congressional colleagues, this morning proposed a Balanced Budget Amendment to the Constitution containing a stipulation that it be directly ratified pending the failure of the Senate or state legislatures to take immediate corrective action.

Constitutional scholars, academics and attorneys expressed their concern over the unprecedented circumvention of the established proposal and ratification process, yet were quickly silenced when the increasingly activist Supreme Court intervened to resolve the controversy.

At a press conference that shortly followed, Justice Anthony Kennedy announced the majority opinion “Stevens and I flipped for it and he lost, so there you go, law of the land, Booyah!” Justice Clarence Thomas had no comment.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Sarkozy Offers Qaddafy Asylum in Style

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY International Affairs Correspondent

Paris France    

Responding to overnight rumors, French President Nicholas Sarkozy today issued a statement partially confirming that France has quietly offered Muammar Qaddafy political asylum.

According to the President’s office the idea originated with the First Lady and popular singing star Carla Bruni, who is known to have considerable influence in state affairs.

Apparently unreceptive at first, Sarkozy soon recognized it would be less controversial than providing Ayatollah Khomeini refuge in the 1970’s and agreed to make the offer subject to certain conditions.

According to Bruni “It came to me while I was shopping. As I was being shown the spring collection at the House of Dior, I wondered who they could possibly get to replace the fantastique John Galiano. I thought it would have to be someone flamboyant with recognized fashion flare, name recognition and of course, proper cafĂ© manners.”

Bruni continued “At that point I happened to glance at the evening edition of le Monde with a headline about Libya and Quelle Surprise! Dictator Chic!

Dior’s Directeur Executive was open to the idea but cautioned “If the Colonel’s fall line doesn’t wow Parisian fashion critics, he’ll be taking his chances with the World Court in Belgium. Frankly, I don’t know which is worse.”

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Kasich To Stabilize Economy

Columbus OH

In an unprecedented example of bureaucratic efficiency and resolve, John Kasich acclaimed author of The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy, and The Wealthy Public School Teacher: How Imaginary Creatures Pose a Legitimate Threat to American Prosperity and current governor of Ohio, has signed a bill that significantly retards the collective bargaining power of Ohio state union workers.

Under the new legislation unionized state employees, including: teachers, nurses, firefighters and police, will no longer be guaranteed annual pay raises, health insurance coverage, pensions, or basic civil rights. The bill outlines the possibilities of wage augmentation through a merit-based system, though the acknowledgment of merit, as outlined by the bill, will remain wholly within the office of the Governor.

Gov. Kasich has stated that the objective of this bill is to make up a reported $19 billion discrepancy in the state budget, which is to be done by reducing the artificially inflated salaries of unionized workers, some of which are understood to be as high as $7,500 annually.

Though the bill has had little trouble being passed it has not been without controversy. State Democrats have resisted the bill from the start, and have gone as far as to organize a letter-writing campaign and potluck dinner in behalf of their pro-union constituency. Some Ohio Democrats have purportedly sent a rather vitriolic, though anonymous, letter to the GOP-led state House and Senate calling them, “Just a bunch of meanies.”

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Bill O’Reilly and the Darwin Factor

Contributed by B F Koch
ITITY Media Critic

New York NY

In a yet to be aired broadcast even more stupefying than the one where he presented his incomprehensible explanation of tidal forces, the popular Fox News host employed his trademarked interrupting shout down with his guest from the Yerkes Research Center, a Bonobo chimpanzee named Darwin.

O’Reilly’s ongoing debasement of science continued with this latest intellectually vacant endeavor to discredit biological evolution, a bizarre undertaking that was both a pandering effort to connect with his cognitively challenged audience and a preposterous attempt at cross species communication.

Following his predictably pretentious diatribe the relentlessly belligerent host presumptuously challenged his guest to participate in a Stanford-Binet intelligence test to compare their socialization skills, problem solving abilities, and intellectual curiosity.

Upon learning the diminutive primate had outscored him on every assessment O’Reilly became visibly agitated, then struggled to regain his composure, and finally smirked triumphantly while smugly proclaiming “That proves my point! I couldn’t have evolved from that monkey; he’s smarter than I am!”

Calmly adapting to the situation, Darwin typed out his response with two strokes of his Lexigram keyboard “banana head.”