Histrionics on Capitol Hill

Reported by B F Koch
ITITY Political Correspondent




Washington DC

It started with a faint odor and a whiff of smoke. A piece of bread in a toaster had refused to budge.  As word of the incident filled the crowded congressional cafeteria, confusion quickly became commotion and finally, complete chaos.

Democrats convened to consider a compromise to cut toast from the menu, while Republicans issued a demand to strip the benefits of the unionized food service staff and launched an immediate investigation into their citizenship.

Anderson Cooper suddenly appeared in a sooty hoodie, Wolf Blitzer wisely blathered that where there’s smoke there is usually fire, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta cautiously warned about the health hazards of inhaling airborne combustion products.

Tea Party supporters steadfastly defended American white bread supremacy, concerned environmentalists carried on about the carbon, and fundamentalist crackpots decried it a sign that secular society was condemned to the flames of damnation.

Glenn Beck began raving about a radical atheist scorched earth conspiracy, Megyn Kelly stubbornly insisted she was right about something, and Bill O’Reilly relentlessly ranted about the burning desire of liberals to destroy democracy.

Ed Schultz showed up, excited to be anywhere Americans were doing anything, Rachael Maddow smoldered sardonically, and Chris Matthews hazily reminisced about a smoked ham sandwich.

Then an assistant chief rescued the slightly singed slice and it was all over. He was hailed by all as “The Hero of the Hill”. James O’Keefe later released a video blaming the kitchen helper for causing a conflagration.