A recent Senate audit of the Federal Reserve has confirmed that five notorious criminal organizations, classified by the New York Fed Chairman as cultural assets, received millions in economic relief.
A spokesman for one of the families, Johnny “Ice Man” Gelato commented on the report “We used to earn our money; ya know the old fashioned way, by stealing it. But after the Wall Street mob pulled off the biggest boost in history, and in broad daylight I might add, there was literally nuttin left.”
Gelato continued “In desperation, me and some of the boys took up play acting; ya know murder mystery stories in the dinner theater circuit. We were playing ourselves, or more to the point, parodies of ourselves, if ya know what I mean”.
“But it didn’t work out so good. Them audiences in the Catskills just wanted to know what happened to Tony Soprano. Tony freakin Soprano, gimmie a freakin break. And the cruise ships, fuggedaboutit. Youse ever try followin a lounge act with a smokin hot dish in a slinky sequined dress? But I digress, my point is, is that it was humiliatin”.
“So they made us an offer, and we cut ourselves a deal. Now they pay us money, to not steal the money, that’s already been stolen. And we put on cultural festivals that attract tourists, ya know like Broadway. In the end I think it worked out pretty good for everybody”.