Thursday, March 31, 2011

Prep School Offers Winning Solution

Prairie Oyster MN

The highly progressive Delusions of Grandeur Preparatory School, located in western Minnesota, has taken the lead from their new-age parent clientele and begun work to initiate a new program to help ensure that their entire student body experiences the enjoyment of scholastic success.

Delusions of Grandeur Prep, already among the first schools in the nation to abolish their grading system, and having since begun a free-form class style, in which students can elect which subjects they care to learn throughout the two hour school day by simply walking into or out of classrooms as they see fit, are now in the process of establishing a new program whereby students will no longer actually have to come to school to receive their predetermined satisfactory evaluation.

The new program developed out of a regularly-scheduled bi-weekly PTA meeting, which often receives better than a 95% participation rate, during which parents discussed ways to establish simple methods through which their children could be guaranteed a sense of accomplishment in their educational environment. It was through such meetings that Delusions of Grandeur saw the end of overly competitive grading, and the oppressively structured class system.

In reference to the new program, Delusions’ principle Clem Larson stated, “What we want to do here is make sure that every student thrives. We’re offering an education that will prepare our kids for success in future life, and we expect to see more schools around the country establish similar programs. We think all of our students are winners, and I think that as they grow up they’ll use the education they received here to continue America’s legacy as the greatest country in the world.”

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Summit Scheduling Conflict Leads to Unconventional Meeting of Minds

Wicket on Thames UK

Britain’s Royal Empire Hotel and Cricket Club, persistent subject of speculation within the international conspiracy network due to its hosting of clandestine gatherings attended by the world’s most influential and powerful figures, recently found itself in what Hotel Chairman Angsley Snowdon termed “a bit of a quandary” when it was discovered two such conferences, the Despot and Dictator Reunion and the Mogul and Magnate Convention, had been scheduled for the same weekend.

Snowdon went on to express his concerns “We’re rather keen on secrecy here at the club and we like to keep these events private. There was also no small concern that the interests of these two lots might be at odds with one another, what with the autocrats complaining about the duplicity in our foreign policy and the plutocrats going on about their influence on our foreign policy, it seemed like we might have our hands full. In the end we figured the best thing to do was to carry on and hope for the best.”

Somewhat relieved, Snowdon continued “Beginning with the first two seminars, ‘How to Retain Authority for Generations Despite Popular Opposition’ and ‘How to Get People to Stop Hating You and Want to be You’, the whole thing appeared to be going somewhat smoother than expected when members of each group joined the discussion originally intended for the other. By the final symposium ‘How to Profit From Corporate Influences on Interventionist Policies’, it all seemed to sort itself out.”

The obviously pleased Club Secretary Benjamin Nevis commented “By the end of the weekend it was difficult to tell the two mobs apart, although the tyrants due tend to dress a bit more flamboyantly. Some of those chaps really could use a proper tailor.”

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Military Personnel Remain At Pentagon

Arlington VA 

A meeting of the Joint Chiefs of Staff at the Pentagon earlier this week, which purportedly was called with the intent to discuss overseas military operations and the latest Lagerfeld-inspired Spring collection, has apparently met with some confusion and has been stalled indefinitely due to a supposed “Official Operations Meeting” appellation debate.

What began as a regularly scheduled conference quickly turned to contention as the Joint Chiefs were unable to unanimously agree on how to officially address the “Official Operations Meeting” they themselves were conducting. Though this behavior is not without precedent, it has led some to speculate that the relationship among the Joint Chiefs has become divisive.

The confusion compounded after a recess to the meeting (currently unnamed) left the Joint Chiefs unable to locate a functional exit from the room they were occupying. This led Vice Chairman Gen. James Cartwright to propose an immediate increase in military personnel to the room in order to assist the Joint Chiefs in finding their way out. An unofficial total number of 53 personnel came to aid the Joint Chiefs out of the conference room, only to find that they were in fact going to remain there, as Gen. George W. Casey put it, “Until the job is done.”

There is as yet no official timetable in place as to when the Joint Chiefs are expected to announce the name of the “Official Operations Meeting,” nor is there any report as to when the Joint Chiefs will locate a suitable exit from their conference room. Head military advisors have already called for a rise in the number of staff to assist the Joint Chiefs by twenty percent, potentially placing the new total number of military personnel actively devising an exit strategy for the Joint Chiefs at 64, which is only expected to mount in the weeks and months to follow.

Business at the Pentagon is expected to continue unaffected regardless of this temporary setback.

Monday, March 28, 2011

Michelle Bachmann Under Observation

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY 2012 Campaign Field Reporter

Rochester MN

Doctors announced at a press conference this morning that Michelle Bachmann had been admitted to the prestigious Mayo Clinic after babbling incoherently and hyperventilating during a taping of the Sean Hannity show.

Dr. Sergio Aioli, Director of Rare Disease Research, stated the Minnesota Congresswoman was undergoing tests even though her staff assured him that such symptoms were normal for her appearances on FOX News.

The doctor said he was still concerned by her dilated and unresponsive pupils and her inability to answer standard lucidity questions such as "Was the President of the United States born in the United States?"

Bachmann initially resisted EMT’s declaiming that she "would not be silenced by the corrupt and criminal Obama Administration" and that the helicopter being used was actually "part of a conspiracy by socialists in conjunction with the UN and New World Order to take her to a secret FEMA internment camp”.

Awakened from sedation, surrounded by people dressed in white and wearing masks, she asked if she was in Iowa for a Tea Party caucus or in South Carolina for a patriotic birthday celebration of the Civil War General and Ku Klux Klan founder, Nathaniel Bedford Forrest.

Congress Nearing Landmark Definition

Reported by E C Koch
ITITY Science Editor

Washington DC

Congress, whose actions could usually be most appropriately measured in Planck times and which is otherwise assumed to exist somewhere within the greater metropolitan area at any given point, is in the final stages of passing a new piece of legislation which is expected to declare the sundry processes employed to pass legislation, eliminating any previous obfuscation on the subject.

The exact content of the document still remains unknown as its position and momentum could not be simultaneously identified. Furthermore, C-SPAN’s inability to cover the proceedings of the closed-door debates had led some political insiders to believe that the congressional legislators were perhaps at once both alive and dead, until an intern for one of the presiding senators looked in to see what progress had been made, only to find that they had nearly finished. This has, of course, called into question the intern’s effects on the proceedings.

Though the daily machinations of the Legislative branch might often seem at odds with classical governance, the ability of the 112th Congress to do something meaningful, however undefined, has some optimists hopeful that this form of government can be made to assimilate with more traditional macrocosmic styles.

Many congressmen themselves have suggested that trying to quantify their own effectiveness to govern in conventional terms will only serve to constrain any results to the limits set by the metric used to measure. Rep. Bohr (I-DE) commented on the development of this new legislation stating, “What we do here is not as complex as it is, often anecdotally, made out to be. Anyone who takes the time to investigate will see that this stuff isn’t exactly quantum physics.”

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Gingrich Emails Expose Trashy Temptations

Washington DC

Newt Gingrich, author of several alternative history novels and newly converted catholic, is the subject of a rash of recently leaked emails that reveal he did a little more than cheat on the wife he cheated on his first wife with.

The messages, both sent and received by the 2012 presidential contender, divulge his unseemly associations with a tawdry list of cocktail lounge cougars, truck stop chippies, trailer park sluts, singles bar skanks, tramp stamp tarts, porn tat trollops, pool hall hoochies, bowling alley floosies, switchblade bimbos, biker chick babysitters, and part time pole dancers that may easily outnumber the 841/2  ethics violations he was charged with while Speaker of the House.

Although Gingrich’s initial statement claimed the disclosure of the documents was yet another attempt by the liberal media to discredit him, within the hour, seeking the last refuge of most common scoundrels, he asserted the correspondences were evidence of his patriotism.

Echoing the explanation he originally put forward on the Christian Broadcasting Network, he proudly proclaimed “I was driven by passion, it was hard, and things happened”.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Website To Offer Assistance

Palo Alto CA, the 21st century repository of all things medical and long-preferred reference guide to hypochondriacs the world over, has announced a new plan this week to offer online do-it-yourself surgery options for their uninsured users.

This announcement comes in response to an overwhelming number of requests to the site from people seeking help with various medical problems who were otherwise unable to afford the cost of professional assistance, largely from want of health insurance. Due to the fact that a majority of these requests were deemed “imminent medical emergencies” in the parlance of the healthcare industry by the website’s medical staff, a team of experts working for Webmd have devised a list of step-by-step procedures that can be performed at home using ordinary household items. The list of procedures ranges from the sophomoric boil lancing to the Byzantine pancreaticoduodenectomy.

In addition to the guidelines provided by the site, a section for user comments will also be added whereby any online user can share advice, comment on, or provide photos of their own attempted operations. One spokesman for the site commented on this feature stating, “We wanted this feature to be interactive, to have a social networking feel, as a way to help alleviate some of the stresses that naturally come about during a potentially life-threatening operation. We want to create the impression that there are people out there who know what it’s like to remove their own kidney or sew back a severed finger.”

Though only time will tell how the new plan will work, Webmd personnel remain optimistic; “We think this could be very successful. It’s another option for the growing population of uninsured in this country. I guess morally we just couldn't do nothing while we knew these people were suffering. Really though, who could do that?”

Friday, March 25, 2011

The Libyan Contradiction

Western powers are backing the Libyan rebels who were inspired by the Egyptian rebellion against western backed power.

The defined mission is to protect the civilians, not arm the rebels, who by definition are armed civilians in rebellion.

The insurgency strategy is simultaneously anti pro Qaddafi and pro anti Qaddafi.

Several nations are united in the conflict, although the stated goals of individual nations appear to conflict with those of the United Nations.

Wars whose purpose is humanitarian liberation ultimately exact an unintended toll on those humans they purport to liberate.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Governor To Pass Budget Proposal

Harrisburg PA 

Tom Corbett, current GOP Governor of Pennsylvania and president of the greater Philadelphia area Leslie Nielsen Hair Club for Men, has proposed to cut statewide funding for higher education by approximately fifty percent by the beginning of next term. The budget proposal also seeks a drastic increase in funds for state penitentiaries in what a spokesperson for the Governor has coined the “Pennies for Prisoners” initiative.

The proposal, which is expected to receive little resistance on its way to being approved, leaves some state university administrators wondering how the budget cuts will manifest themselves over the coming months and years. As state higher education funding has been slowly dwindling up to this point, some schools have already had to resort to some less-than-traditional cost cutting measures including: cutting electricity during the day when it is used most, burning library books and periodicals in an effort to save on fuel, and not offering classes.

Corbett has gone on to say that he plans to annually reduce higher education funding by half in a measure truly worthy of Zeno; like one of Zeno’s paradoxes too, universities are not expected to catch up. The expected success of this program has other states looking to enact similar budget reductions, which may lead to a national average increase in college tuition by up to twenty-five percent.

When asked how a reported additional $13.7 million found its way into one of Corbett’s private bank accounts the Governor self-assuredly replied, “Well, I guess it’s a good thing that students in this country don’t vote.”

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Ice Core Study Suggests New Carbon Capture Strategy

Somewhere in the Arctic

After analyzing thousands of recently obtained core samples, noted climatologist Dr. Foster Rime and research assistant Milt Warren have postulated that the arctic ice cap is mostly slush.

Dr. Rime explained “Between the freezing surface and thawing base is a thick layer of semi liquid icy slurry. To our amazement, isotope dating of carbon dioxide bubbles in this stratum indicated the gas had remained in a stable solution for eons.”

Rime continued “It was then my young colleague suggested assessing the effectiveness of sequestering CO2 in frozen carbonated beverages. The breakthrough came when we discovered significant mitigation appeared to correlate with the immediacy of consumption.”

After securing investment capital from a consortium of environmentally concerned celebrities, Rime and Warren announced their partnering with 7-Eleven in the promotion of Slurpees to the Eskimo market with the ad slogan “Go With the Floe” and began testing the popularity of several refreshing tropical fruit flavors with the local population.

The team’s scientific achievements and financial successes are to be published in an upcoming edition of the prestigious British journal Temperamental Nature in a peer reviewed paper titled Poking Holes in North Pole Finally Pans Out.

At the time of this post Milt Warren was unfortunately unavailable for comment as he was still at the Robert E Peary Research Station and Tipping Point Study Center dispensary recuperating from severe brain freeze.

Historic Documents Auctioned

Arlington VA 

Bidders had a unique opportunity yesterday to own an original piece of Americana during an auction held in Washington last night by the acclaimed Sotheby’s company. Although the much-anticipated feature item of last night’s event, attended by some of the world’s richest power players and heads of state, was originally valuated as priceless, it failed to attract any bids, even at the minimum price, set histrionically, at one dollar.

The auction was the brainchild of the US Treasury Department, carried out in an attempt to raise funds to help pay off some of the mounting national debt, estimated now in excess of $14 trillion. It was believed, months prior to this week’s events in Libya, that a sale of some of the country’s most treasured artifacts, which would include the original United States Constitution, could generate enough revenue to put a harness on the skyrocketing debt. However it became clear that with the final report of the gavel, and the decision of “no sale” returned, that the debt would have to wait.

When asked about the Treasury’s inability to auction off the Constitution, US Secretary of the Treasury and 1998 Michael Flatley look-a-like-contest runner-up Timothy Geithner, responded by saying, “Well obviously it’s disappointing that this nation’s founding document failed to generate any interest at auction this evening. Unfortunately it had to happen this way, but I think we at the Treasury Department have learned a valuable lesson tonight in the difference between cost and worth.”

The Special Advisor for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, Elizabeth Warren, after being asked about the financial soundness of holding an auction as a way to escape debt, morosely stated, “Next time we try selling a piece of American culture to the highest bidder, let’s auction something people are looking to buy, like Silly Bandz.”

Sotheby’s is holding the Constitution in escrow until the $50,000 cost of the auction is paid back.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Truth To Be Redefined

Oxford UK 

These are heady days in Oxford. It is with great infrequency that any word, however obscure, finds its meaning within the unabridged dictionary changed. It is rarer still when one of the OED’s long-standing stars meets with such a radical transformation; but the Oxford English Board of Definition and Meaning has determined that, due to popular colloquial usage, the word “truth” is to be redefined for the upcoming edition of the Oxford English Dictionary.

Grammarians and bibliophiles alike are excited for the abstract noun’s anticipated makeover, and talks of future Festus Veritas have begun to echo throughout the cobbled streets of the medieval city.

The Board of Definition and Meaning, a group consisting of several university academics, has stated with regard to the redefinition, “Due to the drastic and fundamental new understanding of the word ‘truth,’ as it is now used in our everyday spoken language, by television and radio newscasters, government leaders, and through written legislation, what previously was understood to mean something close to ‘objective fact’ will be changed to mean ‘that which the majority population believes.’”

This, of course, has enormous implications with regard to how we shall come to understand the world in which we live. It would appear, with the revelation of the more appropriate definition, that now: Fox News is fair and balanced, President Obama is a socialist Muslim from outer space, and that unionized labor is a legitimate threat to American productivity; among divers other examples to be examined upon the official redefinition.

There is no word yet on how this will affect truth’s credibility.

Monday, March 21, 2011

TV Personality Found To Have Terrorist Links

New York NY 

Elwood Moore, a popular television personality and long-standing PBS staple, has been linked recently to the known terrorist group Al Qaeda, and is being accused of posing as a legitimate front through which the terrorist organization has helped operate and fund PBS for, what is alleged to be, as long as five years.

Rep. Peter King (R-NY) is scheduled to question Moore, currently being held in Guantanamo Bay detention center, during a congressional committee hearing within the month in an effort to uncover more information concerning Al Qaeda’s involvement with the public broadcasting source, and to reveal any of Moore’s potential accomplices. Moore has as of yet been denied attorney privileges, but is expected to seek counsel prior to the congressional hearing.

After it was announced that he would chair the committee hearing, King was asked what kind of a threat he thought organizations like PBS posed to national security. King was quick to answer candidly stating, “We must oppose any group that stands contrary to the American way of life. Inasmuch as this groups’ only remaining supporter appears to be Al Qaeda, it’s clear that the people of this country no longer accept, or are willing to be a party to, these public services.”

Though the nation’s children have united in solidarity with their beloved Elmo, King remained stalwart adding, “Our first priority must be to keep America safe, and that means shutting down this bastion of terrorism.”

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Utah Upholds Marriage Laws

Salt Lake City UT 

Mitt Romney, one-time Massachusetts governor, presidential candidate and synchronized swimming enthusiast, is reported to have funneled hundreds of thousands of dollars to well known Salt Lake-based anti-straight marriage group ReignBow Coalition.

Romney, who’s recent bestseller American Mediocrity: Why We Should Be Fine With Fourth Or Fifth Place has catapulted him among the frontrunners for the 2012 GOP presidential nomination, has also stated that the allegations that he has been funding the anti-straight marriage group is, “Based in fact, founded in reality and absolutely true.”

When asked how he felt this revelation would affect his chances in a potential upcoming election, Romney claimed that his constituency have long expected their political leaders to uphold traditional marriage laws, and would generally not stand for anything beyond a heterosexual civil union stating “Whatever these people want to do in the privacy of their homes, behind closed doors, is fine with me, but to suggest that straights should be allowed to get married violates the very sanctity of marriage and tears at the fabric of American culture itself.”

ReignBow Coalition, a conservative LGBT association that has been lobbying Congress for the better part of the decade to ensure that marriage remains between same-sex partners, said about the idea of a marriage between a man and a woman, “Where does it end? They’ll want to marry their dogs next.”

Friday, March 18, 2011

Remember the ‘a la Mode

San Antonio TX

Texas Governor Rick Perry, wearing his trademark coyote stilling sidearm and backed by his handpicked legislative posse, announced on the steps of the Lone Star Courthouse and Target Range at high noon yesterday an amendment to the state constitution requiring all Texans to carry loaded firearms.

Even though some of Perry’s supporters considered the measure redundant, like a Texas Board of Education and Ballistic Research member who calmly stated “We’re way ahead of him on that one, pardner”, news of the legislation nevertheless spurred a run on gun sales that left dealer’s racks and display cases throughout the state completely empty.

A customer at the dusty west Texas watering hole, Joe Bob Billy’s Big Bore Saloon and Ammo Outlet complained “Nothin left but scorpions and rattle snakes, there ain’t one itty bitty bullet to buy is this whole gosh dern state!” At the high end Armadillo CafĂ© and Pistol Emporium in Dallas, a patron opined “It’s like a big ole tornado came through, what am I gonna git my darlin little wife for our anniversary now?”

School Takes Action To Improve Reading Levels

Sow Hollow AL 

A local area elementary school has introduced an initiative which has reduced the number of letters in the alphabet to 23 in an effort to improve literacy rates within the district. The new program, which uses an abbreviated alphabet meant to raise reading ability in students by forcing them to memorize fewer letters, is in response to a recent study showing that more than eighty percent of Alabama sixth graders are reading below a sixth grade level.

Based on the success of this program, school board officials have also suggested eliminating adverbs claiming, “They’re not real important anyway.”

It was decided that the “W,” “X” and “Z” were the letters approved for amendment from the alphabet; this after a school-wide survey found that these letters were the least popular. Due to the recent transition from the more traditional 26-letter alphabet to the improved 23-letter version, the school board is quickly trying to approve a new W, X and Z-less series of textbooks for the upcoming 2011/2012 school year.

There is some contention though; since many board members are also trying to ensure that the new texts are free from adverbs as well, looking ahead to future changes, beyond spelling, to sentence structure and grammar.

Other area schools have yet to embrace this initiative to improve literacy, and have chosen less radical approaches which include: again lowering the passing grade, allowing unlimited test re-takes, and offering more study hall options.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Crazy, the Weak, and the Doomed

In a blinding blizzard of keystrokes not seen since the infinite monkey multitude took a stab at the script to “Hamlet,” newly elected Republican state and federal officials have recently unleashed an unprecedented avalanche of demonically destructive legislation.

In a tepid response easily mistaken for complete apathy, Democratic lawmakers cautiously vacillate between timid conciliation and absolute capitulation, their only position remotely recognizable as a strategy appears to be their insipid anticipation that the conservatives will eventually wear themselves out.

In a relentless parade of pathetic pandering a seemingly inexhaustible supply of self aggrandizing media experts spew their spineless commentary, imparting equal significance to the abandonment of all but the transparent pretext of a representative democracy and sordid stories of self destructing celebrities, while continuously turning up the volume on the cacophonous feedback of their increasing irrelevance.

Suspension Of Habeas Corpus Goes Largely Unnoticed

Little Rock AR 

Jeb Lesterson, a current Arkansas State Supreme Court Justice and avid ceramic Dale Earnhardt figurine collector, perhaps best known for his deciding vote to uphold state segregation laws in 1994, is in the news again this week after publicly announcing that he’s given up habeas corpus for Lent this year.

Estimates for the number of Arkansas citizens who have gone to Little Rock maximum-security prison without trial, range from the conservative hundreds to the Leftist hundreds of thousands; while Keith Olberman has proposed an approximation of three million people, greater than the current number of residents in the state.

Though this announcement seemingly contradicts the traditional separation of church and state foundation of American criminal justice, many citizens and clergy alike have lauded Lesterson for his piety and public dedication to his faith.

Still a small, but vocal, minority of detractors claim that Lesterson’s suspension of habeas corpus is not in keeping with the Lenten season’s spirit of sacrifice. The leader of a local Arkansas mega-church stated “Inasmuch as Justice Lesterson has appeared to have long since given up actually hearing cases before passing judgment, his so-called sacrifice ultimately rings hollow to my ears.”

When asked what might have been a more meaningful Lenten act of self-denial Lesterson cited his love for pork rinds as a sacrifice of equal magnitude, but that when he tried it the previous year he found that it was just too difficult to maintain for forty days.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

You’ll Either Feel Better or You Won’t Care

Nutley NJ

A major pharmaceutical multinational is about to begin a relentless advertising campaign of a new drug that purports to relieve the anxiety caused by the repeated exposure to drug commercials.

The new medication, brand name Numbutol, is designed to appeal to the overwhelmed viewer suffering from the novel disorder “Perplexed Consumer Syndrome”, with the marketing slogan “If you’re not sure what to buy to make yourself feel better, buy this pill.”

Possible side effects include the inability to distinguish between fear mongering conjecture passed off as news and mindless nonsense presented as entertainment, the disquieting impression of being fed the same pablum day after day, reduced attention span, amnesia, and not knowing you’re already dead.

Tragedy On Capitol Hill

Washington DC

In what might be framed as a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions in addition to a cruel twist of historical irony, yesterday, the anniversary of the Ides of March, marked the death of the last known American idea.

The incident occurred during a Congressional budget reform committee hearing, not long considered to be a hotbed for new ideas of any kind, where a junior senator (unknown) is believed to have considered taxing all citizens, whose income is reported in excess of one million dollars annually, to pay taxes equal in proportion to those in the middle and lower classes.

Conflicting eyewitness reports have stated that the idea's death came after Sarah Palin, former Governor of Alaska and 1984 National Bear-Baiting champion, present for the hearings, looked up from reading 101 More Ways To Address A Question Without Saying Anything: A Presidential Candidates Guide To Televised Debates, and appeared to want to say something; while another claim suggests the death came shortly after the Senate budget reform committee vetoed a motion that would have held American corporations responsible for paying taxes of any kind through fiscal 2031.

The official autopsy report filed for the idea shows definitively that the cause of death was complacency, an illness known to be fatal to any ideas if allowed to spread uncontrolled within a large enough population. The American Idea now joins the inauspicious club, along with the Dodo Bird and the Antillean Cave Rat, on the extinct species list.

Snyder Passes Landmark Legislation

Lansing MI

Michigan governor Rick Snyder, whose qualifications include an honorary GED and a partial semester completed at Ann Arbor Community College where he majored in animal husbandry, has passed legislation making it legal to oust elected officials from office if they look overly French, and to deport anyone suspected of being Muslim to forced-labor camps in the Canadian tundra.

This legislation comes in an effort to reduce the influence of pernicious foreign elements from Michigan communities who are deemed too weak to fend for themselves. Snyder addressed his detractors, some of whom have claimed his new law is explicitly xenophobic, stating "What we've done is streamlined the Democratic process. Now voters no longer have to worry over whether or not their representatives in government harbor pro-France sentiments, or are anti-American in any way, as we have defined it." Snyder went on to say that in addition to not worrying, soon Michigan voters will no longer have to think for themselves or even vote before future laws can take effect.

The new law allows for the Governor to declare any Michigan town "Insufficiently American," at which point his government can remove any elected official and replace them with hand-picked private professional Americans, whose job it will be to stifle any activity declared to be unpatriotic. When asked what that might include a spokesperson for Snyder cited: looking French, having dealings with non-Christian elements, and wearing Birkenstock brand footwear as potential qualifications for removal.

Local Michiganders were hesitant at first to embrace this new piece of legislation, but in keeping with the spirit of the law, are expected to do nothing about it.

The Misfire Heard Around the World

Eden Prairie MN

Manifest Destiny University’s Dean of American Exceptionalism Studies recently announced the presentation of an Honorary History Degree to Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.

After her latest public appearances however, in which the 2012 presidential hopeful and former roller derby queen displayed a grasp of the subject experts said “wouldn’t get her past the citizenship test,” pundits began to question the legitimacy of her certification.

A statement issued from the University’s Administrative Office only added to the controversy: “An honorary degree is not a diploma, it is not recognition of academic achievement, it does not have a raised seal, and it does not bear the signature of the dean or any faculty member.”

Bachmann has so far declined repeated requests to produce the actual document, yet persists in affirming its authenticity, declaring “It’s as real as my respect for this great country”.

Glenn Beck’s Glenn Beck Conspiracy

New York NY

In a yet to be broadcast edition of Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck elaborated for his entire time slot on his latest conspiracy theory that he had been replaced by a duplicate Glenn Beck.

At the end of the show, sobbing uncontrollably and reduced to a fetal crouch under his blackboard, Beck finally whimpered “I must get out of this trap” and began gnawing off his own hand.

A spokesperson for Fox News stated the network is still trying to understand the comment and is deciding whether to air the program citing concern for the already unstable mental condition of Beck’s viewers.

Sarah Palin’s Incredible Shrinking Brain

Wasilla AK

Analysis of CAT Scans obtained from the Wasilla Health Clinic and Gun Exchange have confirmed that the former half term governor and trailer park resident’ s brain is indeed dwindling in capacity.

A member of the Alaska Neurological Association and Hunting Club explained “The bright light of media attention has been dangerously focused by her iconic eyewear through her optic nerve and onto her frontal lobe. It’s like burning ants with a magnifying glass".

When asked if the condition was treatable, he stated “Brain shrinkage has been observed in female grizzly bears during hibernation, but is normally reversed in the spring. In her case it appears she bought a one way ticket.”

In a final note the doctor added “It’s ironic that the fake glasses she wears to appear intelligent have actually made her less so. Her brain will eventually shrink to a singularity of stupidity from which no logic or reason can escape. Her only remaining mental faculty will then be the basic instinct for self preservation.”

Michele Bachmann Corrects Historical Inaccuracy

Nashua NH

Well in line with the current trend of progressive politics and general madness, U.S. Rep. Michele Bachmann was in New Hampshire this weekend talking to anyone who would listen.

In addition to the standard speech-giving ceremony of early presidential contenders, Bachmann invoked several historical events clarifying what has heretofore been a poorly-veiled liberal historian cover-up, saying "I don't know about you good citizens, but I'll never forget what happened in the great state of New Hampshire when the extreme left, spurred on by the liberal media, dumped crates of our tea into Nashua harbor, effectively starting a war we couldn't get out of!"

This recent insight into what can now be properly understood as a long-held historical fallacy, involving a certain Massachusetts burg, has already been embraced by the Texas State School board textbook committee and is being amended for the highly anticipated history text America: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Make It Up As I Go Along.

Bachmann, who was later seen at a local convenience store buying all of the Hostess Twinkies, said she wasn't sure if she would actually eat them but instead wanted to ensure that no one else had a chance.