Served by BF Koch
ITITY Arts and Education Editor
Wake up kids, it’s time for breakfast. And you know what they say, you can’t make an omelet without killing half the population of some third-world shithole you probably can’t pronounce or even find on a map, stealing all their resources, and leaving a toxic waste-dump no one can possibly live in where their country used to be. So drink your orange juice and don’t worry, they never complain.
The adults have decided to cut your lunch programs so their rich friends don’t have to pay so many taxes, so eat up. And remember, the ramblings of a Nobel Prize-winning economist divided by zero– which is all you’re going to be left with–is still just irrational gibberish. So don’t be so quick to spend that money the tooth fairy left you. If you want to go to college, you’re going to need it.
Hey, boys and girls, here’s a game you haven’t learned yet called conspiratorial craziness. “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi,” say it out loud three times and the ghost of Richard Nixon will appear. He’ll scare your hamster right out of his cage, and your dog won’t come home for a week, but you can bring him to show-and-tell if you’d like. Just get your mom to sign the subpoena.
Hurry up then, you don’t want to miss the bus. Off to school now, and remember what the teacher said about not smoking near that factory on the other side of the playground fence. You know, the one filled with explosives. And don’t forget your ballistic back packs; you never know when you might get in the way of someone else’s second amendment rights.
So study hard, take those tests, and learn smart stuff because, oh yeah we forgot to tell you, you’ll be in charge of this mess tomorrow. And take the long way home…