Monday, May 12, 2014

The One That Almost Got Away

Reported by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Media Maven

Washington D.C.

A recent statement from C-Span said they considered the upcoming Benghazi hearings “inappropriate and inconsistent” with their public affairs programming. Of course cable news will cover it, CNN will offer their emotional anguish perspective, MSNBC will present their typical sarcastic commentary, and Fox News can always be counted on to make their usual conspiracy noises.

Without C-Span however, it was beginning to look like hardcore political viewers would be left holding their remotes. That is until Director of Programming Ray Bob “Bobber” Budnik announced earlier today that complete gavel-to-gavel coverage of the proceedings of the House Select Committee would be aired by The Fishing Channel.

“You can bet I’ll be wearing my hip waders when we get into this,” Budnik remarked, “but I think our audience will be able to relate. Fishing isn't just about catching a fish. It’s about process, it’s about technique. It’s as much about patience and persistence as it is about success. That’s why, for two years in a row, we've awarded our Hook, Line, and Sinker Award to Darryl Issa.”

This will not be the first time Budnik has tested the political waters. In 2010 he proposed a constitutional amendment making it a right for every American to own a fly rod.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Surprise in San Diego

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Current Events Columnist

It looks like Christie, Cruz, Paul, Perry, Rubio, Ryan, and Walker will all have to wait their turns. After winning the recent CPAC straw poll, and the enthusiastic endorsement of both Sarah Palin and Rudi Giuliani, the party’s two political thought leaders most unhindered by analytical reasoning, Vladimir Putin has emerged as the new 2016 Republican presidential front-runner.

In what may be a related development, Bob Costas has reportedly poked himself in both eyes with a sharp stick. 

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Not for Nuttin’, Big Guy

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY East Coast Political Correspondent

The ongoing investigation into New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s involvement in restricting Fort Lee residents’ access to the George Washington Bridge may be affecting his popularity among some of his Garden State constituents.

One of his former supporters, Nicky “Nads” Nutella offered his take on the controversy “It woulda been beautiful. I mean freakin’ beautiful. A real Jersey wise guy in the White House, I mean, one of us, in the freakin’ White House. Can you imagine? It woulda been freakin’ beautiful.”

Nutella continued “Yea, but now I’m not so sure, ya know. It’s like this thing Sister Marie Theresa used to tell us when we was kids, just make sure it’s worth it before ya pull this kinda shit in the first place. She told us that all the time. In fact I still got a mark over here from that one time she told us.

So now everybody wants to know what he knew. Did he know? How would I know? What I do know is that the big guy always knows. My uncle Carmine taught me that. So if he didn’t know what he was supposed to know, maybe he’s not the big guy we thought we knew. Ya know?”