Union Leader Riddle Solved

Filed by B D W

ITITY Forensics Reporter

Prudhoe Bay AK

Earlier this week, with the world falling into turmoil, housing still on the decline, unemployment rates up, and daily spending down, world powers somehow came to a decision to open the oil reserves in an attempt to bring down rising gas prices. While the rest of the world watched, a unique issue arose when two engineers in charge of controlling the release of our nation’s reserves noticed rapidly mounting pressure in one of the lines, triggering a failsafe, inevitably shutting down the entire operation.

Before officials arrived, workers opened a container found to be obstructing the line, discovering what appeared to be human remains. In came the FBI who took the remains for testing, Homeland Security to contain the scene and search for clues, NSA who is looking into links with Iran, FEMA who set up some temporary trailers for anything displaced in the incident, and advisors from BP whose roles were later identified as “crisis and marketing advisers.”

Later, as FEMA was pulling its trailers away from what is now being called Ground Zero, the FBI and Homeland Security held a joint press conference to give a brief outline of the past week’s events.  An FBI Spokesman then followed up and explained that the contents causing the blockage were indeed the remains of the infamous James “Jimmy” Hoffa. 

Outraged, Fox News claimed that it was a conspiracy by the agencies in charge at the scene, and demanded photo evidence that it was in fact Hoffa. When contacted about this point of contention, the FBI and Homeland Security both referred all questions to the White House, where Spokesperson Jay Carney delivered this prepared statement: “The agencies worked hard and thoroughly, and we can say with 100% certainty, that after years of waiting, years of searching, we got him, we finally got Jimmy Hoffa.”

US Defaults on Democracy

Fired off by B F Koch

ITITY Field Reporter

Philadelphia PA

The dimly disengaged electorate seems to have surrendered any optimism they may have once had, and is willing to passionately support anyone who successfully panders to their personal fears and private prejudices.

Distracted by the exaggerated distinction between the two parties, candidates are confidently chosen by voters whose decisions are not only bereft of reason or even self interest, but scarcely escape their barely functioning brain stems.

There are several who insist we can still reclaim some ghostly lost greatness of a mythical America, a patriotic illusion that persists only in their muddled imaginings of our actual history, but an appealing promise to people who have lost everything else.

And these are the fractious few who actually bother to cast a ballot. Most are content to be silent bystanders to the spectacle of our failure, offering only on occasion the parroted complaint of their favorite pundit.

Two hundred thirty-five years ago a group of enlightened individuals had confidence in our ability to govern ourselves. Somewhere along the way we became convinced that the commitment of active citizenship carried too high a cost.