Thursday, July 7, 2011

Union Leader Riddle Solved

Filed by B D W
ITITY Forensics Reporter

Prudhoe Bay AK

Earlier this week, with the world falling into turmoil, housing still on the decline, unemployment rates up, and daily spending down, world powers somehow came to a decision to open the oil reserves in an attempt to bring down rising gas prices. While the rest of the world watched, a unique issue arose when two engineers in charge of controlling the release of our nation’s reserves noticed rapidly mounting pressure in one of the lines, triggering a failsafe, inevitably shutting down the entire operation.

Before officials arrived, workers opened a container found to be obstructing the line, discovering what appeared to be human remains. In came the FBI who took the remains for testing, Homeland Security to contain the scene and search for clues, NSA who is looking into links with Iran, FEMA who set up some temporary trailers for anything displaced in the incident, and advisors from BP whose roles were later identified as “crisis and marketing advisers.”

Later, as FEMA was pulling its trailers away from what is now being called Ground Zero, the FBI and Homeland Security held a joint press conference to give a brief outline of the past week’s events.  An FBI Spokesman then followed up and explained that the contents causing the blockage were indeed the remains of the infamous James “Jimmy” Hoffa. 

Outraged, Fox News claimed that it was a conspiracy by the agencies in charge at the scene, and demanded photo evidence that it was in fact Hoffa. When contacted about this point of contention, the FBI and Homeland Security both referred all questions to the White House, where Spokesperson Jay Carney delivered this prepared statement: “The agencies worked hard and thoroughly, and we can say with 100% certainty, that after years of waiting, years of searching, we got him, we finally got Jimmy Hoffa.”

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