Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Local Election Heats Up

Cashiers NC

The election for county treasurer has been receiving notoriety throughout the past weeks due to the amount of money that has reportedly been spent on each campaign. Both candidates have done a significant amount of fundraising in order to compete for the local government post, but so far neither has distinguished himself as the clear frontrunner.

Through local advertisements, attack ads, counterattack ads and lawn signs, reported spending for the two campaigns is in excess of $39 billion.

During their campaigns both candidates have run on a policy of fiscal conservativism and intelligent spending, often noting inflated government budgets as the source of the greatest waste in municipalities.

Though the budget the treasurer would have control over would amount to approximately $10 thousand annually, both candidates remain adamant that their financial policies are economically sound. When asked about the disproportionately high amount of election spending for such a minor government seat, the incumbent Len Dwyer stated, “We are, after all, a capitalist democracy and, as we all know, this is how elections are won.”

Friday, May 27, 2011

GOP Decides Disagreement Unacceptable

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Political Affairs Correspondent

Washington DC

In order to forestall any use by Democrats of any GOP Presidential candidate’s actual statements against them, today the Republican National Committee (RNC) issued a unanimous party rule that GOP candidates for President may not publicly make any statement that could be construed as believing or supporting anything different from RNC-endorsed positions. Truth will not be deemed a defense to any violation of this rule, and some are already calling the rule Grand Old Ten Commandments, because of the ten examples it uses. They are:

1. The Paul Ryan budget plan is a brave, brilliant and visionary document that, despite its actual provisions, does not destroy Medicare, Medicaid or Social Security.

2. Newt Gingrich must always be referred to as a brilliant thinker. He may not be referred to as a “loose cannon,” “racial panderer” or as “having baggage.” (Note: Use of the word “intellectual” has been forbidden in the GOP since 1980 when it was banished from the lexicon by the sainted and infallible Ronald Reagan).

3. Any Republican who runs for President is, by reason of being a Republican, qualified to be President. This is being called the Hermann Cain-Michelle Bachmann provision, inasmuch as Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are not in the race.

4. The richest one percent of Americans and America’s corporations pay too many taxes. Only by continuing to shift wealth from the middle class to the wealthiest Americans can America prosper.

5. Healthcare is not a right but a privilege, reserved for those who the healthcare industry is willing to insure for whatever premium it wishes to charge, and who are healthy enough not to need it.

6. The unemployed are unemployed because they have not worked hard enough to build the wealth of their employers. This is especially true of older workers and minorities.

7. The unborn are persons who must be protected, but only until birth at which point they and their parents are on their own.

8. Torture is not torture if conducted by or on behalf of the US. It is noted that because he is not running, this rule does not apply to statements by John McCain.

9. There is no such thing as “corporate welfare,” “unneeded subsidies” or “unnecessary defense spending.”

10. Evolution is a theory, while Creationism is a fact.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Mitt in Snit Throws Fit After Filling His Kit

News From the Front by G. Izzy Nasti

In what was otherwise a very good week, which included raising over ten million buckaroos for his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney was unexpectedly compelled to respond to a rumor so unusual and unexpected that has taken the entire Republican primary field completely by surprise, leaving them in an even more monumental state of chaos and confusion than Newt Gingrich could on his most verbosely bombastic day.

Classified documents recently uncovered at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, CA revealed a secret 1970’s program for safely contacting extra-terrestrial intelligence for which JPL robotic engineers developed an android designated the Mild and Inoffensive Talking protoType. M.I.T.T. was given movie star good looks and a winning smile, but the development was halted after failed attempts to fix a glitch that caused it to respond to any inquiry with whatever the questioner wished to hear.

The prototype was then shipped to Wright Patterson AFB in Ohio and quickly forgotten. Somehow inadvertently activated, the android was apparently allowed to simply walk off the top security installation. M.I.T.T. was soon sighted in Michigan, Salt Lake City and Massachusetts and became so well known that, given the choice of capturing it or allowing the experiment to continue, scientists opted for the latter to determine if it could continue to pass as a real person.

When confronted by this reporter at a news conference with the revelation of his secret identity Romney became visibly agitated, then regained his composure and almost devoid of emotion calmly responded “American corporations are artificial entities that the Supreme Court has decided shall be treated as persons. Therefore any artificial person created in the U.S should not be disqualified under the U.S. Constitution from holding the highest office in the land.”

Monday, May 23, 2011

A Predictably Typical Apocalypse

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Cultural Affairs Critic

Oakland CA

If you are reading this you have not been chosen. You have not been raptured away from mankind’s earthly troubles. You are still here with the rest of us, left behind to endure the tribulations of endless war and economic hardship. Although exactly how this end of world doom and gloom differs from every other Monday is probably best left to personal interpretation.

Today however, the only things that seem to be missing are the life savings of several true believers, along with their opportunity to drop the ultimate “I told you so.” The only apparent miracle is that in the middle of a recession, tens of millions of dollars were donated to the same persistent prophet who didn’t get it right last time.

Mathematically, your odds weren't very good anyway. Out of the approximately one hundred billion humans who have inhabited this troubled planet, only a hundred thousand or so were supposed to have been judged worthy of being saved, just a slightly better chance than winning the Powerball.

Still, financial speculation in some sort of eschatological escape clause is somewhat understandable. We’d all like to think someone is looking out for us. We’d all like to be less overwhelmed by things we can’t control. We’d all like to be recognized and rewarded for our efforts. And real estate isn’t quite the investment it used to be.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Add-ons At The Pump Forthcoming

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Current Events Correspondent

Houston TX

It was learned today that in response to widespread criticism of oil company subsidies, in light of record profits at near record high gas prices, many oil companies are now considering lowering per gallon prices, while implementing various technical fees.

According to reliable sources, both Chevron and Conoco Phillips are poised to implement an up to $10 fee for the use of any gasoline dispenser, which can still be avoided by consumers should they bring their own hose in addition to their own manual siphon, assuming the station will allow them to lower it into the station’s underground tank. There will however be a five minute limit on use of such siphons after which a $10 delay fee will apply for each additional two minutes.

In a more easily understood move BP is said to be poised to implement a temporary $2 per gallon Environmental Clean-up fee as a means to recover the $20 billion it is obligated to pay out as a result of the Deep Water Horizon disaster. BP will however retain the right to extend the fee to apply to future disasters it causes as it causes them.

Exxon Mobil is said to be hesitant to impose such fees, but is instead considering attaching a large tin cup to each dispenser at each station seeking voluntary motorist contributions, labeling each cup with the prominent legend: “Save jobs, please donate your spare change.”

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Media Tycoon Takes Legal Action

London UK

Reports filed earlier this week have been confirmed verifying that the multimedia magnate Fox News has in fact brought legal action against controversial scientist Richard Dawkins, coming after the release of his new book Memes: Why Popular Ideas and Common Knowledge Have No Bearing on Truth.

The controversy arose after the contentious biologist and memeticist was cited for intellectual property theft by the news mogul, referring specifically to the section in his book on memes - units of cultural information analogous to biology’s genes - in which he asserts that the proliferation of popular concepts and ideas have no bearing whatsoever on their basis in fact, or that the success of a meme is in no way related to its being correct.

Fox News has stated that this infringes on the founding premise of their program, that the information disseminated throughout their news shows have long since overlooked facts and that Dawkins’ alleged discovery is in no way original.

When asked about the lawsuit Dawkins stated, “Really I feel quite absurd about the whole thing; the idea of being sued is just dreadful. Frankly though, I wasn't even aware Fox News had any intellectual property to steal.”

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Trump Investigation Turns Up Trash

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Media Analyst

Somewhere West of Hawaii

The intrepid travelers had journeyed halfway around the globe in an obsessive search for an elusive document some said did not even exist. 

Then they managed to transmit just three tantalizing words, which would be repeated endlessly in the days to follow, before the fading signal of their satellite phone finally went dead: “This is unbelievable…”

It all began when the Trump investigative team chartered a boat for what was supposed to be a three hour tour. Nearly a week later the tiny ship’s emergency transponder led rescuers to an enormous floating pile of plastic in a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, hundreds of miles from Hawaii.

Among the stranded survivors, a slightly sun burned yet still buoyant Gary Busey was found clutching a small yellow duck he had named after his mentor. The crazy castaway refused to leave the bathtub toy behind saying only “He kept me sane”.

By the time they returned to their hotel, the piece of paper that had been the object of their fateful quest had been found and their self aggrandizing promoter, the Prima Donald himself, now caught in a current he could not control, quickly drifting from public attention, was becoming just another piece of political flotsam.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Louis Vuitton Newt Gingrich Collection

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY International Affairs Correspondent

Paris France

Coinciding with the declaration of his presidential candidacy, the world’s most famous maker of luxury hand bags has announced a revolutionary line of luggage in honor of Newt Gingrich, carrying the promotional tag “A Natural Fit“.

After clarifying that she has had nothing but a purely professional relationship with Mr. Gingrich, Louis Vuitton spokeswoman, Michelle La Strumpette revealed the new line to the trade press explaining that it was inspired by the ethically challenged former Speaker of the House, whose name and the word baggage are nearly synonymous.

She added that it is Lois Vuitton’s intention to change the common connotation of baggage by calling it luggage in much the same way that Gingrich, by finding religion, was transformed from a morally deficient adulterer and egotistical hypocrite into a loving grandfather and faithful husband.

Aesthetically, the luggage features the famous LV brand design in black and white, corresponding with its namesake’s world view. Lined in red, white and blue, the pieces are spacious enough to accommodate skeletons, both real and metaphorical.

A first for Louis Vuitton, the new line will be manufactured with faux leather as it was considered appropriate that the Gingrich Collection be a cheap imitation that passes itself off as the real thing.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Miscalculation Piques Interest

St. Louis MO

A discovery late last week is expected to have major implications regarding the already mounting national debt, where it was found, after an accounting clerk did a routine record check, that there was a discrepancy in the current estimation of our nation’s debt.

Apparently an oversight, involving a misplaced decimal, has underestimated the debt by a factor of six, and even has some economists concerned as to how this will affect domestic export prices.

The gaff has been traced back to the head accounting office during a particularly busy period in 2005. Though no official report has been filed, it is supposed that the error occurred during a symposium on New New Governing Dynamics: A Nashian Guide to Certainty in GDP during that year’s worldwide economic summit.

A spokesperson for the head accounting office has stated, “Well once you enter the world of hypermath, and numbers the size of the national debt, calculation errors and misplaced decimals don’t really matter. Really at this point it would be like asking a four-year old to number the stars and then getting really angry at her for miscounting after about ten trillion or so.”

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


We have spent the last decade in our declining empire living in a fear, manipulated by our government and magnified by our media, of apparent perils and perceived enemies while ignoring the most insidious threats to our way of life, our own pervasive paranoia and hegemonic hubris.

Our once prosperous and confident country now faces the future with increasing apprehension. We elect leaders not for their bold vision, but for their paltry promises to protect us and we carelessly concede our liberties for the fleeting illusion of safety.

We trust in the awesome power of our weapons yet have lost faith in the simple strength of our beliefs. We use our military might to remake the world in our image even as we surrender the ideals that made us strong.

A trillion dollars squandered. A million lives ended. Celebrating vengeance will not save us, even if we call it justice.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Rabbi Speaks On Birther Bill

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Sabbatical Reporter

Phoenix AZ

Shortly before Gov. Brewer’s veto of the Presidential Birther Bill passed by the Arizona legislature, Rabbi Chelm Geltwasser, a respected leader of the small Arizona Orthodox Jewish community, held a press conference to oppose its becoming law.

Rabbi Geltwasser told the press that, outside of the Orthodox community, few Jewish men, and no women, could produce a legal circumcision certificate. He also pointed out that inasmuch as such certificates are written entirely in Hebrew, they would be inadmissible under Arizona’s current requirement that all legal documents be in English, and moreover, they would be incomprehensible to the goyim on the State Elections Board who might understand English or speak just enough Spanish to communicate with their gardeners.

The rabbi also noted that a similar bill had been defeated in the Israeli Knesset as a requirement for being Prime Minister or President when opponents pointed out that phony circumcision certificates were readily available on the black market; leaving physical inspection by a team of moyels the only reliable way to identify the telltale bris handiwork of a true moyel, as opposed to just some pediatrician.

When Rabbi Geltwasser was asked if he had personally talked to Governor Brewer, he said he had not, but emphasized that it was not because he did not speak to shiksas, but because he was very busy preparing for the Sabbath.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Congress Designates New Territory

Washington DC

Congress took time last week from an already full schedule to resolve yet another daunting national concern, which could prove to have future census implications. It was after much debate and careful introspection that the Senate and House of Representatives have passed a mandate to geographically define the boundaries of the Real America on all official maps of the United States.

The problem was originally presented to government leaders during the latest presidential campaign, during which then vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and current professor emeritus of journalism at Wasilla County Community College, referenced the recondite land area which Congress has now worked to strictly define.

Much of the impetus behind this movement came, in fact, from Real Americans themselves who sought government recognition for their unique patria, as well as the comfort that comes from knowing just where one lives. With the official release of the Real America on the map many borderline Americans have stated that they plan to move to within the boundary line, lest their patriotism be called into question.

Congressional support came in large part from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who, when asked about what plans were in place to resolve the spending issues surrounding the most recent deadline for the pending government shutdown, responded “Wait, what?”

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The Diary of Ayn Rand

Reported by B F Koch
ITITY Cultural Commentator

Chicago IL

Economists, scholars, and social critics are hoping a three thousand page manuscript recently found in the Milton Friedman wing of the University of Chicago library may provide some insight into the popular author’s inspirations. It is thought that the following passages in particular may help illustrate the formation of her ideas and illuminate the foundation of her philosophy.

June 30, 1910 (age five) I baked some cookies today. I took pride in the recognition of the fact that they were really good cookies. Then my little moocher friends came over and ate them all. I must learn to value myself, by which I mean I must fight for my own cookies.

April 16, 1917 (age twelve) The chaos of the classroom is made possible by nothing but the sanction the teacher gives it. In History class today Mr. Galtzky got fed up trying to maintain discipline and just walked out. Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing is going to mend that broken globe.

January 4, 1923 (age eighteen) I must insist that I reject my own intuition. My new boyfriend is just like the last one, another schnorrer who only wants to drink, smoke cigarettes, and discuss Marxism, and then expects me to pay for our date. I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never go out with another Bolshevik.

After immigrating to America in 1925, Rand stopped writing in her diary and began a series of successful dystopian romance novels some still consider significant.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Taxing Taxes Trump Trump

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Current Affairs Correspondent

New York NY

At an impromptu press conference, held after President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, Donald Trump, who spearheaded the campaign to uncover the document, took full credit for resolving the non-problem he had in fact created. During the conference Trump was asked by a reporter if he would now follow through on his promise made to George Stefanopoulos that he “would release his taxes when Obama releases his birth certificate,” to which Trump responded with a firm non-answer that he would consider it only after Obama also released all of his school transcripts, up to and including kindergarten.

Unbeknownst to Trump, his personal tax returns for the past seven years had already been leaked to Wakileaks, the lesser known organization similar to Wikileaks, which said it had withheld their release until investigations were completed to see if it was Trump himself who had done the leaking. Wakileaks also indicated that they have Trump’s corporate tax returns and materials from his many bankruptcy filings, but because they have as yet been unable to make any sense of them, they are temporarily withholding their release.

The returns included deductions for alimony in the mid-eight figures for his first two wives, and an alimony IRA trust for his current wife, the long suspected, but as yet unproven, former Goldmember Fembot. According to an attached letter from his tax attorneys at the well known firm of Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe, the alimony IRA trust was justified as being necessary because a man in Trump’s position must be prepared to shed a wife on short notice, lest he be unable to remain in the headlines through any other means.

Remarkably, in each reported year Trump showed a multimillion dollar gross income but a net income of less than $17,500 dollars, making him eligible for food stamps and Medicaid, although it is not known if he accepted either. Finally, the only year in which he did not receive a refund was 2008 when he owed a total of $5 to the IRS, which he mailed in on April 14 using a crisp new $3 bill with his own picture on it and an IOU for the remaining $2 signed with a smiley face and the message “Good luck collecting, Sucka!”