News From the Front by G. Izzy Nasti
In what was otherwise a very good week, which included raising over ten million buckaroos for his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney was unexpectedly compelled to respond to a rumor so unusual and unexpected that has taken the entire Republican primary field completely by surprise, leaving them in an even more monumental state of chaos and confusion than Newt Gingrich could on his most verbosely bombastic day.
Classified documents recently uncovered at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, CA revealed a secret 1970’s program for safely contacting extra-terrestrial intelligence for which JPL robotic engineers developed an android designated the Mild and Inoffensive Talking protoType. M.I.T.T. was given movie star good looks and a winning smile, but the development was halted after failed attempts to fix a glitch that caused it to respond to any inquiry with whatever the questioner wished to hear.
The prototype was then shipped to Wright Patterson AFB in Ohio and quickly forgotten. Somehow inadvertently activated, the android was apparently allowed to simply walk off the top security installation. M.I.T.T. was soon sighted in Michigan, Salt Lake City and Massachusetts and became so well known that, given the choice of capturing it or allowing the experiment to continue, scientists opted for the latter to determine if it could continue to pass as a real person.
When confronted by this reporter at a news conference with the revelation of his secret identity Romney became visibly agitated, then regained his composure and almost devoid of emotion calmly responded “American corporations are artificial entities that the Supreme Court has decided shall be treated as persons. Therefore any artificial person created in the U.S should not be disqualified under the U.S. Constitution from holding the highest office in the land.”