Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Current Events Correspondent
It was learned today that in response to widespread criticism of oil company subsidies, in light of record profits at near record high gas prices, many oil companies are now considering lowering per gallon prices, while implementing various technical fees.
According to reliable sources, both Chevron and Conoco Phillips are poised to implement an up to $10 fee for the use of any gasoline dispenser, which can still be avoided by consumers should they bring their own hose in addition to their own manual siphon, assuming the station will allow them to lower it into the station’s underground tank. There will however be a five minute limit on use of such siphons after which a $10 delay fee will apply for each additional two minutes.
In a more easily understood move BP is said to be poised to implement a temporary $2 per gallon Environmental Clean-up fee as a means to recover the $20 billion it is obligated to pay out as a result of the Deep Water Horizon disaster. BP will however retain the right to extend the fee to apply to future disasters it causes as it causes them.
Exxon Mobil is said to be hesitant to impose such fees, but is instead considering attaching a large tin cup to each dispenser at each station seeking voluntary motorist contributions, labeling each cup with the prominent legend: “Save jobs, please donate your spare change.”