New Testing Measures Announced

Bubbles Filled In by E C Koch

ITITY Higher Ed Correspondent

Reston, VA

As the future college class of 2024 concludes its final year of high school amid the current crisis, pressure to address how standardized entrance exams will be administered has mounted.

Following the recommendations of the Department of Education and several state accreditation councils, all students have been automatically issued perfect SAT scores.

When asked how the determination was made, Education Secretary and literate, Betsy DeVos, said, “It’s way easier to just assume that everyone took the test and passed it than it is to actually test everybody, so we decided that everyone scored perfectly.”

Though analysts have suggested that these measures will skew the statistics to the point of meaninglessness, government officials have maintained that the resources required to test the whole country just don’t exist.

Essentially True

Contributed by B F Koch

ITITY Current Affairs Columnist

It’s not easy separating cold hard facts from the wishful thinking and wild speculation that passes for news in the increasingly chaotic and incoherent times we currently find ourselves in.

The following are some examples of the tips, scraps, and fragments of stories that have come to the attention of our intrepid reporters, relentless investigators, and the occasional plucky bystander:

A Manhattan architect claims that the soon-to-be-completed Trump Presidential Library is located under a manhole cover on Fifth Avenue and will only be accessible during rush hour.

Bill Barr may have suggested respecting social distancing requirements and the second amendment when he was alleged to have commented: “If you have to shoot someone, at least do it from six feet away.”

An astronomer at the Lowell Observatory says he has evidence that Elon Musk moved to Mars then promptly pulled the plug on Space X, so he won’t have to share his new planet with anyone else.

Hollywood gossip columnists are trying to confirm the latest rumor that Vin Diesel has been signed to play Fast Freddie Furball, the stoic drag racing feline in the sure-fire summer sequel, Cats II.

Conservators at the Getty Research Institute were curiously vague when asked if, during a recent visit, Mike Pence requested a private viewing of Robert Mapplethorpe’s Mineshaft portfolio.

None of these reports have been verified but are all determined to be about as accurate and useful as the information presented by the President in one of his daily pandemic pep rallies.

Stifled Liberties Pique Protests

Reported by E C Koch

ITITY Political Science Analyst

Paris, Texas

Protests have broken out across the country in response to the decision made by many state governments to restrict its respective citizens’ freedoms.

Seeking nothing less than the reversal of this decision, protesters across the Lone Star State demanded this week that they once again be allowed to realize the agency afforded to them by the constitution within the public sphere.

For their part, states have continued to assert that such efforts at mitigation are ultimately in the interest of the polis at large, which occasionally comes at the cost of individual privilege.

When asked whether the citizen was endowed with rights from the state or, instead, whether freedom inhered to the citizen upon birth, protester, Jay Russo, said, “Look around, dude. Man was born free, right? But, then, everywhere he’s in chains. What’s the point of government if I can’t even walk to the mailbox to get my unemployment check?”

Billionaire Bunker Gets Bailout Bucks

Uncovered by B F Koch

ITITY Financial Correspondent

Decameron, South Dakota

In investigating the disbursement of CARES Act stimulus payments, ITITY has learned that hundreds of millions of dollars intended for small business relief were actually poured into a gigantic hole in the ground, or, to be more precise, a luxuriously renovated Cold War missile silo.

Shining City Elite Survival Shelter investor and resident Matt Miserly set us straight: “You call it a tragedy; we call it an opportunity. It’s the way things work. It’s not socialism when it goes to the one percent. It’s just business, pal, you know, the business of taking care of business.

“Oh, by the way, you want to know where all those missing medical supplies went? There’s a warehouse on level forty-five that’s full of the stuff, test kits, ventilators, everything, and more than we’ll ever need. Yeah, but keep sewing those face masks all you Girl Scouts, you’re so cute.

“Every con needs a mark, a sap, a chump. The government is playing its part and the press is playing their part. Look, he told you what the score was when he came down that escalator. If you still don’t know who the sucker is, friend, it’s you.”

New Biz Opening Soon

Dashed Off by E C Koch

ITITY’s Girl Friday

Milwaukee, WI

Even without the circumstances of the current crisis, opening another brewery in the beer-saturated city of Milwaukee would be a challenge, but that’s just what master brewer, Les Mitchell, is about to do.

Scheduled to open later this week in the city’s Riverwest section, Humboldt Brewing Company appeared only days ago to be dead on arrival, yet now is poised to emerge as a symbol of triumph amid mounting despair.

Mitchell’s tenacity to see HBC through its difficult birth was matched just in time with the support of a local government eager to bolster its staggering economy, a gesture Mitchell readily acknowledges.

“The city counselors have been really great,” says Mitchell, “and in a way I’m lucky to be opening when I am—there’s no other scenario where they’d look the other way about the gas leak, or the asbestos, or that family of badgers living in the basement.”

Geography Teacher Wins Accolades

Plotted by E C Koch

ITITY Enigmatology Reporter

Bloomington, IN

As many school districts have directed their instructors to transition to online learning formats, teachers are now attempting to innovate amid a challenging new instructional environment.

Among the many educators working to make the most of the extraordinary situation is Allison Franklin, a first-grade teacher at Fairview Elementary School whose geography lessons have lately garnered positive attention for their ability to calibrate complex concepts to her student’s comprehension levels.

“Teaching students at this age,” says Franklin, “is the work of introducing them to the material they don’t know through concepts they do know—my kids might not know what the United States looks like, but they’re familiar with jigsaw puzzles, so I’ll explain how we have one country, but we have lots of different pieces – it’s a puzzle – we have beautiful pieces, beautiful states, that make up the whole country.”

When asked how she planned to continue the school year during the current crisis, Franklin stated, “Well, typically, the next unit is about the role of the WHO, but, since it looks like they won’t be around for much longer, I’ve been thinking we’ll cover the efficacy of tariffs instead.”

Government Branches Soon Pruned

Scratched out by E C Koch

ITITY Horticultural Commentator

Ithaca, NY

The renowned America Tree, long-standing symbol of the balance of powers dating back to the colonial era, saw a sudden deterioration this week.

Entrusted to the council of the city of Ithaca, New York, by congressional delegate, William Floyd, in 1791, the young oak, pared down by Floyd to represent the three branches of government, came to be known as the America Tree, and has stood in Floyd Square outside City Hall for more than two centuries.

Yesterday, visitors to the popular tourist attraction noted with concern that two of the oak’s three branches appeared to have considerably withered, prompting some to speculate that it may need to be cut down.

During a phone interview this morning, Ed Alsop, Ithaca’s head gardener, stated, “those folks that saw it said it looked like all the life drained out of them two branches. So, looks like we’ll have to lop them off if they don’t pick back up soon. It’s a shame and all, but I guess the thing was always going to die eventually.”

New Voting Restriction Rankles

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Elections Analyst

Palm Beach, FL

Without an end to the current crisis anywhere in sight, the Trump administration has announced a new set of guidelines ahead of November’s election.

After ignoring input from several constitutional lawyers, as well as a team of public relations experts, the general election, previously scheduled for November Third, has been postponed until such time as the President determines that it’s safe enough to vote.

Notwithstanding the constitutionality claimed by the administration, House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, quickly sent a strongly worded letter to the President beseeching him to “pretty, pretty please, reconsider [his] position.”

When questioned about whether a Supreme Court ruling might be required, Attorney General, William Barr, said, “You think Ginsburg’s stepping in front of this bus? The court’s stacked. It’s already over.”

Undaunted Zorg Spurs Economy

Telezapped by E C Koch

ITITY Intergalactic Stringer

Now into the third month of the bombardment, the meteors raining down on Quallan Alpha have yet to significantly relent.

With the planet’s labor force now taking shelter from the deadly storm, the production of gribblaks, the tent post of Quallan Alpha’s economy, has precipitously dropped, leading analysts both inside and outside the cabinet to suspect that the Imperial Zorg’s government might dissolve after only one lustrum.

In a move that some are criticizing as reckless, the Imperial Zorg indicated yesterday that he was willing to sacrifice some inhabitants if it meant kickstarting the planet’s gribblak industry, and so intends to decree that workers must soon expose themselves to meteor strikes with only minimal protection.

In answer to what kind of protective equipment workers might expect to receive from the government, Imperial Zorg stated, “We’re going to make a decision, and hopefully, it’s going to be the right decision. Right now, We’re thinking umbrellas.”

Toy Tantrum Earns Ire

Written without Supervision by E C Koch

ITITY Ebullitions Editor

Washington, DC

At a playdate hosted at Timmy’s yesterday, the scheduled order of events was interrupted after one attendee, Jared, kept all the toys for himself.

Having agreed to initiate a game of “Us and Them,” a local variant of the more well known “Cops and Robbers,” Jared, Timmy, and the other boys split into teams before the altercation commenced.

The aggregation of several witness statements has corroborated a first-hand account claiming that Jared freaked out, piled all the toys from the rec room into a corner, and claimed that distributing the toys among the game’s players was not “how the game worked.”

Even to the repeated admonishments from the boys present, who cited long-standing precedent to the contrary, Jared wouldn’t relent, stating that he would keep “our toys” until Timmy’s mom intervened.

Uncowed Faithful Take Stand

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Hagiographer-in-Residence

The recent crisis has led many states to attempt mitigation by issuing orders preventing in-person attendance of religious services, leading to increased consternation among habitual and casual churchgoers alike.

Some organizations have sought redress in federal courts, claiming that such preventative measures constitute a violation of the first amendment’s commonly understood provision for the freedom of worship and religious expression.

Many parishioners, unwilling to wait for the conclusion of what are anticipated to be lengthy judicial proceedings, are continuing to attend their respective houses of worship regardless of either legal or health consequences.

When asked whether she was concerned that her actions could harm those around her, Cindy Mooncalf of Ohio’s Church of the Callow Heart said, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Why would I worry, I’m covered in—what is this? Ketchup?”

Forget it Jake, it’s MAGA Town

Filed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Prognosticator

The following are just some of the little things you can look forward to after the Donald Trump Traveling Miracle Cure Medicine Show is renewed for four more long years:

The day Steve “Three-card Monte” Mnuchin’s only explanation for how Kim Kardashian’s portrait wound up on the new twenty-dollar bill was “Harriet who?”

The day the governors of all fifty states trampled each other to compete on the One America News Network premiere of Jared Kushner’s Medical Supply Scavenger Hunt.

The day Kid Rock finished hammering out the subtle phrasing of our New National Anthem while casually rolling coal across the howling wasteland we used to call America.

The day the Supreme Court’s favorite frat boy, Bret “Kegger” Kavanaugh, barfed up the idea that being registered as a democrat automatically disqualified one from voting.

The day Vin Diesel received the Academy Award for Best Actor for his sensitive portrayal of Boom-Boom Radley, the mute drag racer in To Curb Stomp a Mockingbird.

The days President Trump reminds us that real power is getting away with bragging about getting away with it. How real was his second inauguration? As real as WrestleMania, sucker.

Chief Exec Calms Concerns

Quacked into the Void by E C Koch

ITITY Capitol Correspondent

At a hastily assembled press conference held earlier this week, President Trump addressed the growing national crisis.

Quelling mounting anxiety that there might be something to worry about, the President returned to his message of reassurance, noting that the country’s best researchers were working tirelessly to guarantee that his health is absolutely not at risk.

Flanked by two adults, Deborah Birx and Anthony Fauci, President Trump continued by reiterating that the best defense against illness is to wear a mask containing incense when in public spaces.

When asked about the credence of a recent study suggesting that illness was caused, in part, by viruses, the President denied the report’s conclusion, stating, “Look, I’m not a doctor, but I have common sense.”

Scientists Claim Record Reached

Dug Up by E C Koch

ITITY Statistics Editor

Baltimore, MD

A team of research scientists, doctors, and statisticians out of the Johns Hopkins University Laboratory for Advanced Thanatology released a report earlier this week that issued a surprising conclusion.

Following years of data analysis, including the aggregation of census files, death certificates, and cemetery records, the study concluded that one billion Americans have now died since the founding of the republic.

Research team leader and co-author of the report, Marie Charon, stated in an interview, “This is a truly incredible finding, that, frankly, the team wasn’t expecting. Our initial estimates only had us around eleventh place, so to find out we’re number one was really quite exciting.”

Charon declined to answer whether she thought America’s unusually high figure was related to a traditionally lax health care system, but a researcher close to the project offered that “a stronger [health care] system would really eat into our lead. And anyway, how would you pay for it?”

Unexpected Landmark Discovery Made

Dispatched by E C Koch

ITITY Statuary Correspondent

Liberty Island, NJ

Due to an unprecedented drop in visitation, national parks across the United States have initiated a suite of long-neglected restoration projects.

Second only to the recoloration of the Grand Canyon, the most anticipated project was Lady Liberty’s long overdue buff and wax.

The restoration was suspended during its preparation stage, however, after a heretofore unnoticed expiration date was discovered stamped into the famed landmark’s base.

Said project manager, Laz Bartholdi, “We took that poem off the side to get the old girl ready for her tune up and there it was. You know how they put stickers on fruit to cover a bruise? Yeah, it’s like that.”

Infectious Support Surges Exponentially

Diagnosed at a Distance by E C Koch and B F Koch

ITITY Epidemiology Correspondents

Londonderry Township, PA

Choosing to dismiss the advice of his administration’s few remaining healthcare experts, President Trump recently visited Dauphin County, PA, where he held a rally intended to energize his base ahead of November’s election.

Following a script that has become standard for similar events, the rally, sponsored by Pennsylvania’s Miasmatic Committee to Re-Elect, featured a densely packed auditorium of the chief executive’s most virulent supporters.

After speeches delivered by celebrity physician, Andrew Wakefield, and euthanasia enthusiast, Dan Patrick, the President took the stage to deliver his message of assurance amid the nation’s current crisis.

When asked what he thought about Trump’s performance, rally attendee and veteran Three Mile Island technician, Frank Boron, said, “You heard what everyone was chanting, didn’t ya? It’s all a hoax. I mean, if it’s so contagious then what are we all doing here?”