Scientists Claim Record Reached

Dug Up by E C Koch

ITITY Statistics Editor

Baltimore, MD

A team of research scientists, doctors, and statisticians out of the Johns Hopkins University Laboratory for Advanced Thanatology released a report earlier this week that issued a surprising conclusion.

Following years of data analysis, including the aggregation of census files, death certificates, and cemetery records, the study concluded that one billion Americans have now died since the founding of the republic.

Research team leader and co-author of the report, Marie Charon, stated in an interview, “This is a truly incredible finding, that, frankly, the team wasn’t expecting. Our initial estimates only had us around eleventh place, so to find out we’re number one was really quite exciting.”

Charon declined to answer whether she thought America’s unusually high figure was related to a traditionally lax health care system, but a researcher close to the project offered that “a stronger [health care] system would really eat into our lead. And anyway, how would you pay for it?”