Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Congressional Nomenclature Causes Commotion

Filed by E C Koch
ITITY Appellation Correspondent

A recent unofficial poll conducted in an attempt to gauge the feelings of congressmen and women concerning the newly appointed Supercongress revealed that opinions regarding the unprecedented commission were almost entirely positive.

The anonymous poll asked questions ranging from what Congress members thought about each party’s selections to the committee, to what members thought about the committee’s unilateral power to draft financial legislation without oversight.

A surprisingly high number of respondents proffered little to no concern regarding the committee’s ability to outline legislation that should prove to have a large and prolonged impact on both the US and world economies.

When asked about the dangers inherent to a single committee’s capacity to control government spending and their present inability to produce any legislation to that end, one unnamed contact stated, “That’s not what we’re worried about. We just don’t like the name; like all of a sudden none of us are ‘super’ anymore. I can tell you that a new bill is now being drawn up that will officially rename the rest of us ‘Super-Duper Congress’.”

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

A Brief Inventory of Intellectual Bankruptcy

Reported by B F Koch
ITITY 2012 Campaign Correspondent

Instead of producing a credible presidential candidate, the party willing to tear down the entire country to defeat one man persists in picking over its ideologically impoverished cast of charlatans only to come up with none of the above.

Aside from shamelessly pandering to their bobble-headed base, the only thing they seem somewhat adept at is the ability to turn their incredible ignorance into a ploy for raising their public profile.

Arrogant talk show guest Donald Trump was the first to flame out when he bet all his chips on being able to prove the president wasn’t born in Hawaii.

Tiffany trinket collector Newt Gingrich was next, but his short stint only lasted until people remembered he was, well Newt Gingrich.

Unacquainted with the history of the country she imagines herself qualified to be Commander and Chief of, Michelle Bachmann revealed she was running because God told her to, but when another imaginary friend convinced her that vaccines cause retardation, she suffered a setback even her husband couldn’t pray away.

Author of a Social Security is a Ponzi scheme screed, Rick Perry enjoyed a period of popularity until he suddenly revealed three serious limitations, his inability to assemble words into the expression of an intelligent idea, and the fact that he can only count to two.

Negative cultural stereotype themed restaurant chain proprietor Herman Cain caused a commotion until the public caught on to the fact that his straight talking campaign points were cribbed from cartoons and his vaunted economic policy came from a video game.

Long-winded ideas man Newt Gingrich regained frontrunner status and may retain it unless his supporters remember he’s the same Newt Gingrich who while Speaker of the House set the all time record for ethics violations.

Because of his confounding ability to contradict himself in the span of a single sentence, Mitt Romney is about as believable as his statement that corporations are people too.

Considering the concentration of impenetrable idiocy on display, the idea that we would possibly trust one of these know-nothings with nuclear weapons persuasively nullifies our essential instinct for self preservation.

Forget global warming, the critical mass of mind numbing stupidity in this nation is rapidly increasing to the point when it will soon cause the planet to break free of its orbit and fly off into space.

Can we really blame the 1% for buying the government they want while they still have the chance?

Friday, November 18, 2011

An Empire in Decline Displays its Indifference

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Current Events Correspondent

The booing of a gay soldier serving in Iraq, cheering the number of prisoners executed in Texas, applauding the proposition that if people are poor it’s their own fault, shouting “let him die” in support of the opinion that a person without health care should not be helped and entertaining ideas including electrified fences for keeping out immigrants.

In a series of unscripted responses to the ignorant impostors running for president, audiences assessing the applicants to our most important political position have recently revealed the depth of the callousness and moral corruption we now find it increasingly comfortable to countenance.

A hint of how steeped in self deception our twisted society has become was suggested when the campaign contributions of clueless candidate Herman Cain increased after he was confronted with multiple accusations of sexual harassment.

The complete lack of concern with preserving even the pretense of the principles we venerate was then proudly put on view by the students at Penn State University violently protesting the sacking of their coach who covered up crimes committed against children.

If the quality of a culture is judged by the transgressions it tolerates, there is convincing evidence that calling ourselves civilized is no longer a credible claim.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Charity Loses Faith, Still Has Hope

Filed by F Russell Grumman
ITITY Field Reporter

Ockenga, OH

Evangelicals eagerly rooting for the Rapture have been let down yet again. The End of Days, already postponed from June 21 to October 21, is apparently still somewhere in God’s great abeyance file.

Even more disappointed however is the Association of Evangelical Charities 501(c) which, in anticipation of the disappearance of the chosen, organized the collection of their no longer needed worldly goods for a massive multi-location rummage sale intended to benefit those left behind.

Pastor Harold Herald of the organization opined “The passin of dates for the End Times that have a come and a gone durin the last oh, 100 years or so, is a causin some of our members to doubt whether the Last Judgment really is imminent.”

Continuing, Herald added “And repeatedly rampin up for the big sale only to have to stand down when nothin happens is a beginnin to test our patience, not to mention the strain it’s a puttin on our resources.”

Herald then quietly confided “Unlessun the December 21, 2012 prophecy comes true, I’m a gonna have myself some serious reservations regardin future apocalyptic predictions until people actually start disappearin before my very own eyes.”

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Occupy This

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Current Events Correspondent

It’s no wonder evolution is such a hard sell these days, considering our perception of the planet and the people living on it hasn’t changed in over two hundred years.

It is not, as some insist, that we’ve forgotten our founders; it’s that we still think it’s our right to plunder whatever portion of the world’s resources we feel entitled to.

As long as we all enjoyed some small share of the spoils, it was easy to overlook the misery we caused for the countless millions who just got in our way.

What we failed to notice however is that eventually our regulations just got in the way, our laws just got in the way, and finally our idea of self governing democracy just got in the way.

We have recently awakened to the realization that the only thing left is us. Now we are in the way.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Intervention For America

Filed by B D Warzecha
ITITY Reporter at Large

Rochester MN

“I understand that everyone has their own opinions as to how I got to where I am. Clearly I’m not perfect, and sure, sometimes I broke the rules and forced myself into places just to get more, but then, I was on top."

“Honestly I was startled when I began to realize that my friends no longer believed a word I said; so I kicked, screamed, and yelled, hoping to get their attention, demanding they do as I say, but they just wouldn’t listen, and often, I simply left them behind."

“It never took long before I needed more, but everyone was on to me and no one was willing to intervene, so I just invaded in order to get it, but it was never enough. Out of money, places to go, and options, I decided to let my friends help."

"How do I feel? Oil has controlled me for the better part of my life. From the time I discovered it I loved it, I needed more, and there was nothing else. It has controlled many decisions, some good, most bad. Without it, I panic and don’t know where to turn. I know I have to find something else, I just hope it’s something that’s easier to score.”

Friday, September 30, 2011

New Political Group Founded

Contributed by E C Koch
ITITY Political Correspondent

Plymouth MA

The popularization of a new political faction, consisting largely of congressional members and excommunicated Ron Paul staffers, has recently been found to be in violation of the traditional governing edict concerning the separation of church and state.

This group, calling itself The Puritans, espouses, along with fiscal and social conservativism, a literal interpretation of the US constitution, which serves as their sacred text, and is treated as such.

Group leaders argue that the original document should be enough to govern a nation, and that amendments should be interpreted as acononical bastardizations of the founding fathers’ original intentions.

When asked about the contradictory nature of the group’s stance on the typical adherence of the Establishment Clause, group leader Michele Bachmann responded, “After George Washington created the United States in seven days he inspired Thomas Jefferson to write this holy document and it shouldn't be tampered with. I mean, this is fact; it’s literally in our kid’s textbooks! It’s being taught in our schools!”

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Cantor Receives Rare Honor

Hung Out To Dry by F Russell Grumman
ITITY West Wing Watchdog

Washington DC

In a rare event the low profile organization of ultra-rich activists that calls itself the Paternal Order of Oligarchic Patriots has bestowed its highest honor recognizing political insensitivity upon House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

Prior recipients of this award, acknowledging an extraordinary level of brazen hubris displayed by political figures, have included: Gerald Ford for telling New York to “Go to Hell,” Jessie Jackson for his famous “Hymie-Town” remark, and Trent Lott for wondering aloud how great it would have been if Strom Thurmond had been elected President in 1948 on his staunch segregationist platform.

“The line between political courage and completely insensitive stupidity, commonly referred to as the ‘Chris Christie boundary,’ is often unclear;” according to the award committee, “especially at the emotional moment the statement was spluttered.”

After telling the press that FEMA aid to catastrophe-stricken communities should be held hostage to more budget cuts, the award committee unanimously voted to bestow the prestigious and coveted Marie Antoinette Award to Cantor, who now joins the lofty ranks of Jackson and Thurmond.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Have We Done Enough Damage Yet?

Contributed by B F Koch
ITITY Political Commentator

We responded to a criminal act committed by stateless actors by violating international law and invading a sovereign state, then another and yet another. Politicians, pundits and media personalities, all reading from the same page of the propaganda playbook, have been complicit in convincing us this somehow made us safer.

At some point the potential presented by a trillion dollar a year security industry made perpetuating the threat more profitable than actually making us more secure. As we repeatedly remind ourselves that we will never forget, we focus our attention on what they did to us, overlooking what we did to us.

We can take some small comfort from the possibility that the people who hate us for our freedoms probably hate us a little bit less after we passed the Patriot Act. Now, in order to protect them, we treat our own citizens as suspects. Our paranoia has made it possible that we may lose everything before we notice anything is missing.

In a country whose history has been completely confused by relentless revisionism, it is sometimes a challenge to recognize our failures. The bad news is that for the past ten years we have continued to double down on dumb decisions. We have failed, but it’s an American failure, so we love it.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Congress Asks Citizens To Save Date

Filed by B D Warzecha
ITITY Reporter At Large

Washington DC

Earlier this week, after Michelle Bachmann, fearing her waining relevance, reportedly walked through her kitchen, noticed that her calendar was nearly ended, and immediately called upon members of Congress to come together, drop everything, and join her Save The World campaign.

This newly conjectured end-of-the-world date has driven another popular minority into hysterics, while the US has pledged that it will contribute over $2 Trillion to the efforts of Save The World, 25 other leading countries have vowed that if the world is actually saved by these efforts, they will erase all US debt.

As politicians work around the clock to avoid engaging any real world issues, grocery stores, convenience stores, and gas stations nationwide have been emptied of essentials. "It's like hurricane Irene all over again," said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, "but this time there's no need to take all the food and water, if it's the end of the world, you won't need it."

Leading calendar publisher and expert in the field, Andrews McMeel, has reportedly been asked by Congressional leaders and Save The World to publish an early release of their 2012 edition, effectively erasing the US debt, a publication that remains forthcoming.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Newest Reserve Currency Announced

Reported by E C Koch
ITITY Banking Commentator

Atlantic City NJ

After a months-long deliberation among prominent government leaders and international financiers, it was recently announced that the world’s reserve currency has again been reassessed and changed.

The anchor currency, that for so long has been the US Dollar, and, in part, controls both foreign exchange rates and commodities pricing, has been switched to the more stable and inflation protected Monopoly Money.

This decision, which some bankers have been anticipating for several years, tails a recent trend in global economics that has cast a shadow of doubt upon the stability of the US economy and has citizens the world over raiding their cabinets and cupboards seeking this newly valuated tender.

Parker Brothers, in reaction to the news, has stated that they will continue to produce the popular board game, but that it will consequently be adjusted for inflation and issued with the requisite quantity of, now worthless, American dollars.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Naming Rights to Raise Revenue

Flash from the Front by G Izzy Nasti

Sources within the Obama administration have confirmed that a reliable and recognized method of raising revenue that does not involve increasing taxes is rapidly gaining widespread support.

Essentially the scheme involves the time honored American tradition of selling product placements, but this time on money, national monuments and other communal assets in proportion to the prominence and importance of the placement.

Initial estimates by the Congressional Budget Office have indicated the program, if properly promoted, could potentially raise hundreds of billions of dollars even if foreign corporations were considered ineligible.

Possible procurements may produce the Wal-Mart Supreme Court, White Castle White House and the Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Combined Shows Capitol Building.

The Pentagon could provide opportunities for offsetting its bloated budget with the Boeing Edwards Air Force Base, the USS Banana Republic and F-16 tails emblazoned with the United Airlines logo.

Not to be overlooked is the profit potential of US currency. Soon people may be able to pay for their fast food with the McDonald’s Dollar Menu dollar bill or the Subway Five Dollar Foot Long fiver.

While polls have indicated a positive response to the LL Bean Yosemite National Park, the Viagra Medicare card and the Goldman, Sachs Government Bond concepts apparently need some propping up.

Asked for his position, Speaker John Boehner said that while the plan to privatize public properties sounded promising, because the President is in favor of the policy, many in his caucus would protest it, simply as a matter of principle.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Benjamin Franklin’s Jumper Cables

Hammered Out by B F Koch
ITITY Historical Archivist

Philadelphia PA

For the past several weeks, scholars have been following a series of cryptic clues left behind by one of our most enigmatic founding fathers. It all began when a dentist in Morristown NJ, while perusing a copy of Poor Richard’s Almanack in his private collection, came across a peculiar parchment concealed within its pages.

Dated 1787, the extraordinary document contains illustrations of Independence Hall and its bell tower, a diagram of an unusually large Leyden jar and the obscure details of an intricate clockwork mechanism all under the title: “When the wheels of bureaucracy slow to the point that a spark of sufficient strength is required to set them spinning again.”

For many years the subject of contention among historians of America’s colonial past, some of the more curious correspondences between John Adams and Thomas Jefferson during the Constitutional impasse of that same year are now being seen as pieces of the same puzzle.

Adams initiated the exchange with this admonition: “What the devil was he thinking; his infernal lightning bolt has rendered the thing completely useless. It will now be necessary to procure another one from Mr.’s Pass and Stow.”

“In conjuring the assistance of the heavens, I agree that he has indeed proven himself to be a man with whom one’s association is to be accompanied by the most judicious caution,” Jefferson rejoined.

Adams continued, “I most strenuously object to being the unwitting subject of one of his perilous experiments. Were he ever again to embark on such a similar enterprise I would personally guarantee him a one way passage to Paris.”

The final words were Jefferson’s: “While one may certainly question his methods, it is arguable however that without Dr. Franklin’s unconventional intervention, we may never have reached a consensus.”

Researchers now believe the letters, together with the newly discovered drawing, have revealed a startling secret, hidden for over two hundred years, about the birth of our democracy.

In the course of his consternation with the Constitutional delegates and their unwillingness to come to a compromise, Franklin had a Philadelphia foundry cast a lightening rod of a special anodic alloy in the shape of a bell.

Installed in the tower of Independence Hall where the convention was being held, what would later be known as the Liberty Bell was stuck by lightening during a particularly violent thunder storm, forming its famous fissure.

The enormous electric charge was stored in a large capacitor until, at a time selected by him for an especially spectacular effect, Franklin switched on his clockwork distributor and sent a spark of high voltage current to each of the reluctant representatives.

At the close of the convention, as he left Independence Hall on the final day of deliberation, a woman asked him, “Well Doctor, what have we got; a Republic or a Monarchy?” Franklin smugly responded “A Republic, if you can stand the static.”

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Super Committee Spawns Super Party

Filed by S W Rebholz
ITITY Congressional Liaison

In one of the most innovative political creations since the debt ceiling negotiations generated Super Committee, political heavyweights across the United States have formulated one of the more promising medicines to cure the ills of a waning America. Citing the increasingly influential policies of the Green Party and Tea Party, the bi-partisan Super Committee outlined its plans for an entirely new political organization, the aptly named: Birthday Party. 

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi said the premise was simple, unique, and powerful enough to change the landscape of American politics, "Once a year, a nominated representative is granted one wish in front of an elaborate baked confection. When the candles are blown out, the wish is granted by the political gods and Congress can resume its day-to-day operations." 

While the bi-partisan Birthday Party is promising, several issues are gridlocking a final vote, namely: the date of the birthday, July 4th or Flag Day, the designer of the specialty cake, Buddy Valastro or Duff Goldman, and of course the Party's first wish, Totalitarian Military Regime or Tax-Generated Welfare State. 

Speaker of the House John Boehner said, "If the debt ceiling agreement has taught us anything, it's that differences like this can be overcome and a mutual stalemate is within reach."

Friday, August 26, 2011

Further Downgrades Create Contention

Filed by E C Koch
ITITY Child Psychology Correspondent

In a report filed earlier this week by the Senate Committee on Financial Oversight, the United States has officially downgraded the Standard and Poor’s ratings agency from its previously perfect five stars to a less than stellar four stars following the S&P downgrade of US credit to AA+.

Due to the unprecedented downgrading of the S&P, many fear that subsequent downgrades are imminent, and that all future ratings will be met with a great deal of skepticism.

In what some consider to be a retaliatory measure, the S&P has already downgraded the Grand Canyon to the Decent Canyon, the Final Frontier to the Penultimate Frontier, and Washington DC to Washington DD+.

Though some have tried contacting Standard and Poor’s CEO Devan Sharma for comment, no one has, as yet, been able to reach him, as he was recently downgraded to janitor.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

FEC Blots Brawny

Filed by F Russell Grumman
ITITY 2012 Presidential Campaign Correspondent

Washington, D.C.

The Federal Election Commission today issued a letter to Georgia-Pacific, a subsidiary of Koch Industries, warning that it must remove the picture of Texas Governor Rick Perry from all Brawny Paper Towel advertising within sixty days or face legal action.

It has recently come to light that a package addressed to the FEC with a Minnesota postmark and a cover letter signed only "Michele, a Patriotic American" contained a correspondence from Charles and David Koch to then citizen Perry.

In the letter, the ultra-conservative billionaire brothers thank him for serving as the model for the Brawny Man, who has ironically become something of a gay comedic icon, and suggesting he use the royalties to fund a career in public life to promote their activist agenda, advice he apparently has taken to heart.

Initially reluctant to comment, Perry's presidential campaign spokesman finally countered, “If true, it puts the lie to Mitt Romney's allegation that the Governor has no private sector experience.”

The Koch Brother’s stated position that “the FEC is an example of governmental waste and interference in the free electoral process and should be defunded and abolished by Congress” has since received the "sounds like a good idea" nod from House Speaker John Boehner.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Backed Into Corner, Higgs Boson Gets Testy

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Science Reporter

Geneva SZ

By cranking their proton accelerators up to eleven, physicists monitoring the Large Hadron Collider at CERN and Fermilab’s Tevatron are confident that they are finally closing in on the last holdout of the Standard Model gang, the Higgs Boson, AKA the God Particle.

“We have the fingerprints, we have the smoking gun; we just want to know where it was on the night of the Big Bang and what it knows about the missing mass,” stated CERN’s Dr. Carlo Agnetti, “It’s in a tight spot and it knows it.”

Believed to be hiding in the dangerous 140 to 145 gigaelectronvolt neighborhood, the elusive fugitive recently surprised scientists when it threw an unknown particle into the Tevatron detectors in a clever attempt to throw investigators off its track.

Researchers are now cautiously reconsidering Werner Heisenberg’s lesser known contribution to quantum mechanics thought to have been inspired by a futile search for Niels Bohr’s car keys, the seldom discussed Be Careful What You Look for Principle.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Cuban Curveball Creates Crisis

Filed by B D W
ITITY Weird Events Correspondent

Miami FL

LA Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, whose misdealings just last month shocked the sports world by bringing the franchise to bankruptcy court, ended his tenure this week when he quietly sold one of the worst teams in baseball to Cuba.

A strongly-worded editorial by Raul Castro, appearing in yesterday’s Havana Press, has the White House scrambling to reach a solution to the controversial issue of Cuba’s attempt to purchase the team.

Castro warned, “If you coolly weigh the situation which has developed, not giving way to passions, you will understand that Cuba cannot but reject the arbitrary demands of the United States whose pirate-like action will inevitably lead to war.”

After deploying the Navy, Barack Obama, baseball fan and Commander in Chief, stated during an emergency broadcast late last night, “The purity of America’s favorite pastime will not be tampered with and we will remain firm in our decision to blockade Cuba.”

As the clock runs out on this stalemate, reports suggest that while the President would prefer a diplomatic compromise to a military confrontation, he is not opposed to an invasion. At this time no one is sure whether Castro will back down.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

United States Suffers Setback

Jotted by E C Koch
ITITY Pecuniary Analyst

London UK

The United States, after protracted deficit negotiations, an unprecedented ratings downgrade, and continued profligate spending, has finally found herself in an insurmountable financial crisis, and is now unable to continue honoring her debts.

Though many critics believed that America sought independence before she was ready, she nevertheless blindly pursued her autonomy, and is now paying for her hubris.

With overwhelming debt and the inexperience necessary to properly balance one’s personal finances, America has been forced to move back in with her parents for, what is now, an indefinite period of time.

When asked how they felt about their daughter’s rather embarrassing public collapse, England responded, “She always was a willful child but it isn't that we’re angry with her exactly, just disappointed. It’s clear though that she still has a lot of growing up to do.”

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Craziness on Capitol Hill

Contributed by B F Koch
ITITY Political Commentator

Washington DC

We may not manufacture much in this country anymore, but we are still capable of cobbling together a catastrophic crisis out of nothing but thin, hot air and our irrefutable faith in free market fundamentalism.

Taking a break from rubber stamping regulatory legislation crafted by corporate lobbyists, Congress recently considered one of the most routine tasks it is responsible for performing, raising the debt ceiling.

When deficit reduction was unnecessarily included in the negotiation, the partisan confrontation over this simple accounting procedure quickly escalated to the unprecedented histrionics of a hostage situation.

The Republicans rested on their commitment to never raise taxes under any circumstances and their strategy that the resulting negative consequences could easily be blamed on the President.

The newly elected Tea Party, in just one stunning example of economic illiteracy, actually introduced a bill to lower the debt ceiling, reasoning that it would compel the government to reduce its spending.

The credit agencies threatened that our Treasury Bills would no longer retain the same treasured Triple-A rating they once bestowed on the junk mortgage backed securities that collapsed the economy in the first place.

While Democrats desperately did their dysfunctional best not to make things worse, a parade of pundits appeared on our perpetual propaganda programming to sell the scheme that we must all share in the sacrifice.

The President had said all along that he wanted a compromise and in the end what he got was yet another compromise, requiring yet another committee, its members yet to be selected, to consider yet more compromises. 

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Interest Rate Further Reduced

Scribbled by E C Koch
ITITY Economics Reporter

New York NY

In an effort to retard extreme fluctuations of stock prices on Wall Street, Ben Bernanke, chairman of the Federal Reserve, has reduced the federal funds rate to below zero in hopes of encouraging borrowing and investment in the US.

Critics from both sides are questioning Bernanke’s decision but have, as expected, offered nothing in the way of an alternative.

The new interest rate, which is now at an historic low, has yet to attract any increase in borrowing as banks are still cautious to lend, stagnating the already glacial flow of capital.

With regard to the efficacy of paying banks to borrow through the fed Bernanke stated, “Though some rather acerbic skeptics are lambasting the decision, and I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, we expect that this will benefit economic recovery by approximately ¼ % over the next ten years, and may even help unemployment, but who really knows.”

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Congress Seeks Celestial Solution

Reported by E C Koch
ITITY Financial Correspondent

Washington DC

Although the Democratic nominations to the newly formed Super Committee have not been formally conducted no one expects those nominations to in any way alter the eventual recommendations made by Republican members who have already produced a draft addressing the deficit crisis that would essentially wipe the economic slate clean.

Though there remains much partisan contention with regard to the most efficient way to restore fiscal sanity, this proposed alternative attempts to bypass party politics by including another stagnant government agency, and looking to the heavens.

Through what might have been science fiction several years ago, the Super Committee would direct NASA to cure the country’s financial woes by redirecting an asteroid toward Earth, in hopes of allowing our government’s policymakers the chance to start afresh; a final solution that leaves Congress simultaneously nervous and powerless to intervene.

Several eminent scientists outside of NASA have recently voiced their opinions with respect to this solution, mostly on the topic of unintended consequences; but have largely been discredited as followers of Maynard Keynes.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Union Leader Riddle Solved

Filed by B D W
ITITY Forensics Reporter

Prudhoe Bay AK

Earlier this week, with the world falling into turmoil, housing still on the decline, unemployment rates up, and daily spending down, world powers somehow came to a decision to open the oil reserves in an attempt to bring down rising gas prices. While the rest of the world watched, a unique issue arose when two engineers in charge of controlling the release of our nation’s reserves noticed rapidly mounting pressure in one of the lines, triggering a failsafe, inevitably shutting down the entire operation.

Before officials arrived, workers opened a container found to be obstructing the line, discovering what appeared to be human remains. In came the FBI who took the remains for testing, Homeland Security to contain the scene and search for clues, NSA who is looking into links with Iran, FEMA who set up some temporary trailers for anything displaced in the incident, and advisors from BP whose roles were later identified as “crisis and marketing advisers.”

Later, as FEMA was pulling its trailers away from what is now being called Ground Zero, the FBI and Homeland Security held a joint press conference to give a brief outline of the past week’s events.  An FBI Spokesman then followed up and explained that the contents causing the blockage were indeed the remains of the infamous James “Jimmy” Hoffa. 

Outraged, Fox News claimed that it was a conspiracy by the agencies in charge at the scene, and demanded photo evidence that it was in fact Hoffa. When contacted about this point of contention, the FBI and Homeland Security both referred all questions to the White House, where Spokesperson Jay Carney delivered this prepared statement: “The agencies worked hard and thoroughly, and we can say with 100% certainty, that after years of waiting, years of searching, we got him, we finally got Jimmy Hoffa.”

Monday, July 4, 2011

US Defaults on Democracy

Fired off by B F Koch
ITITY Field Reporter

Philadelphia PA

The dimly disengaged electorate seems to have surrendered any optimism they may have once had, and is willing to passionately support anyone who successfully panders to their personal fears and private prejudices.

Distracted by the exaggerated distinction between the two parties, candidates are confidently chosen by voters whose decisions are not only bereft of reason or even self interest, but scarcely escape their barely functioning brain stems.

There are several who insist we can still reclaim some ghostly lost greatness of a mythical America, a patriotic illusion that persists only in their muddled imaginings of our actual history, but an appealing promise to people who have lost everything else.

And these are the fractious few who actually bother to cast a ballot. Most are content to be silent bystanders to the spectacle of our failure, offering only on occasion the parroted complaint of their favorite pundit.

Two hundred thirty-five years ago a group of enlightened individuals had confidence in our ability to govern ourselves. Somewhere along the way we became convinced that the commitment of active citizenship carried too high a cost.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Government Program Raises Roof

Filed by E C Koch
ITITY Finance Analyst

Fairfield CT

There was confirmation earlier this week that the government-funded project to design a device to raise the debt ceiling has been approved by Congress for use on the nation’s economy.

The program that would eventually become the massive DCR-9000 was initiated in February, and designs for the enormous hydraulic lift were quickly built and tested under conditions of confidentiality.

Program engineers faced the challenge of having to create something that was extremely robust but would not overstress the weakened economies it was meant to raise. Field testing was conducted on some peripheral African nations’ economies with mixed results ranging from minor fractures to, in some cases, complete failure.

Though many insiders are voicing concerns that use of the device has yet to be perfected, a majority feel that the current economic conditions are far too dire to continue stalling, while financial experts are still trying to predict how again raising the debt ceiling will affect the economy’s ever-dwindling debt attic, both in the short and long term.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Silence in the Studio

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Unusual Events Reporter

Palm Beach FL

In a time when nothing seems to escape being caught on camera, there is, oddly, no image of the event. A fragment of recovered audio recorded only a strange snap, crackle and pop. No one who was there and survived says they saw anything but a blinding flash.

Arson investigators are searching his singed broadcast booth for evidence, but so far what actually happened remains a complete mystery.

Some think it feasible that the inflammatory vitriol he voiced every day was itself flammable, and was perhaps ignited by an errant ember from one of his signature cigars, or a static spark from his monogrammed microphone.

Others speculate that he was consumed in a conflagration set off by his own overheated hostility, somehow spontaneously combusted during an outburst of half baked bellicosity, or inadvertently self immolated in a fit of pyroclastic pique.

While it may never be satisfactorily explained, it is quite likely that the still smoldering smudge of greasy soot scraped off the spot where he used to sit is all that is left of Rush Limbaugh.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

No News is Fox News

Flash From the Front by G. Izzy Nasti

Internal emails from the office of Republican power broker and Fox News president Roger Ailes hint at his frustration with running the network:

“What’s with Beck? Does he really believe that gibberish on his blackboard proves his popularity is up? He’s sinking like a stone. Someone hide his chalk before he hurts himself.”

“What’s with Wallace and Stuart? At least Sarah’s got the sense to quit while she’s ahead. Someone tell him if I want a comedian, I’ll watch Megyn.”

“What’s with O’Reilly? Is his studio getting smaller or is his head actually getting bigger? Someone get me a new monitor.”

In one leaked memo Ailes reveals his strategy for a pair of popular presidential hopefuls:
“Michelle and Sarah need to be taken seriously as candidates in the Republican field even if they have no chance in the election.   

We’ll make them media stars and when the political theater is over they’ll anchor our new entry in the prime time lineup.  

What we need is Huntley and Brinkley but without the pretension and gravitas. They’ll be the Fox version, two rivals, sexy and edgy. Bachmann and Palin, Fox News, Hot and Bothered.”  

Friday, June 24, 2011

Trait Reveals Political Future

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Political Research Reporter

Washington DC

In a soon to be published article in the Journal of the American Medical Association doctors at the Bethesda Medical Center, where under their health plan members of Congress are treated for free, will reveal the results of a 40 year study of their patients from both sides of the aisle.

Their research has reportedly found a specific set of genetic markers, statistically prevalent in Republicans and almost absent in Democrats, which seem to determine the level of spinal bone density or strength.

It is not all good news for the right however, as the very same genes apparently inhibit the cognitive brain functions which lead to the development of positive and flexible thinking, intellectual curiosity, and the ability to deal realistically with others.

The controversial implications indicate that Democrats, while genetically inclined to possess a sense of humor and the ability to enjoy life, remain unable to defend any position they might come to hold, whereas Republicans will argue and protect anything they’re told is important however damaging or bizarre.

What remains unknown is whether it will be possible for a future government-funded program to selectively modify or manipulate the gene pool in an effort to normalize partisan mind-sets and eliminate the historically troublesome and time-consuming process of opinionated political discourse.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

White House Affirmation Confirms Stance

Washington DC

During a press conference thing held earlier in the week a sort of spokesperson for the White House and stuff clarified the President’s position on an issue.

Though the meeting only lasted for about twenty minutes or so, the issue that previously wanted so much attention was addressed and clarified, further erasing any lingering obfuscation surrounding this important matter.

When asked to like clarify the President’s sentiments the spokesperson responded, “Let me be clear. This administration’s position is the same as it was when we were campaigning, and that position has not changed. We've always been transparent when it comes to these issues and this is no different. If anything we are actually more committed to this now than we were before.”

What still remains however is the reaction to this announcement from critics who, it should be said, all too often accuse the current administration of being really vague and whatever.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Memo From God

Related by B F Koch
ITITY Cultural Affairs Critic

Campaign Trail USA

I have recently been informed, and yes I had to be told because I really don’t pay much attention these days to matters so insignificant, that some of you little scamps have said, hinted, or otherwise inferred that I, God want you to run for President of the United States.

Well I hate to break it to you, but do you really believe that if I had even the slightest interest in the outcome of such trivial contests that I would actually sit through all your absurd debates, tedious primaries and ridiculous conventions, when I could simply miracle my fav into the Oval Office?

And while we’re at it, would you please knock off all this inane nonsense about the Second Coming. I’ll let you in on a little secret; I’m not coming back because I never left. Yeah, on the seventh day I rested alright, and I’ve been enjoying my creation ever since on a beautiful beach in Cancun.   

By the way, if you’re asking why, since I’m here, I don’t go on one of your cable news networks or celebrity talk shows to spread the good word, the answer is it doesn’t work like that. I do however, have one small suggestion. You could try to advance as a species just a little bit, it’s not like it’s against the rules or anything; none of my commandments say thou shalt not evolve.