Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Science Reporter
By cranking their proton accelerators up to eleven, physicists monitoring the Large Hadron Collider at CERN and Fermilab’s Tevatron are confident that they are finally closing in on the last holdout of the Standard Model gang, the Higgs Boson, AKA the God Particle.
“We have the fingerprints, we have the smoking gun; we just want to know where it was on the night of the Big Bang and what it knows about the missing mass,” stated CERN’s Dr. Carlo Agnetti, “It’s in a tight spot and it knows it.”
Believed to be hiding in the dangerous 140 to 145 gigaelectronvolt neighborhood, the elusive fugitive recently surprised scientists when it threw an unknown particle into the Tevatron detectors in a clever attempt to throw investigators off its track.
Researchers are now cautiously reconsidering Werner Heisenberg’s lesser known contribution to quantum mechanics thought to have been inspired by a futile search for Niels Bohr’s car keys, the seldom discussed Be Careful What You Look for Principle.