A Brief Inventory of Intellectual Bankruptcy

Reported by B F Koch

ITITY 2012 Campaign Correspondent

Instead of producing a credible presidential candidate, the party willing to tear down the entire country to defeat one man persists in picking over its ideologically impoverished cast of charlatans only to come up with none of the above.

Aside from shamelessly pandering to their bobble-headed base, the only thing they seem somewhat adept at is the ability to turn their incredible ignorance into a ploy for raising their public profile.

Arrogant talk show guest Donald Trump was the first to flame out when he bet all his chips on being able to prove the president wasn’t born in Hawaii.

Tiffany trinket collector Newt Gingrich was next, but his short stint only lasted until people remembered he was, well Newt Gingrich.

Unacquainted with the history of the country she imagines herself qualified to be Commander and Chief of, Michelle Bachmann revealed she was running because God told her to, but when another imaginary friend convinced her that vaccines cause retardation, she suffered a setback even her husband couldn’t pray away.

Author of a Social Security is a Ponzi scheme screed, Rick Perry enjoyed a period of popularity until he suddenly revealed three serious limitations, his inability to assemble words into the expression of an intelligent idea, and the fact that he can only count to two.

Negative cultural stereotype themed restaurant chain proprietor Herman Cain caused a commotion until the public caught on to the fact that his straight talking campaign points were cribbed from cartoons and his vaunted economic policy came from a video game.

Long-winded ideas man Newt Gingrich regained frontrunner status and may retain it unless his supporters remember he’s the same Newt Gingrich who while Speaker of the House set the all time record for ethics violations.

Because of his confounding ability to contradict himself in the span of a single sentence, Mitt Romney is about as believable as his statement that corporations are people too.

Considering the concentration of impenetrable idiocy on display, the idea that we would possibly trust one of these know-nothings with nuclear weapons persuasively nullifies our essential instinct for self preservation.

Forget global warming, the critical mass of mind numbing stupidity in this nation is rapidly increasing to the point when it will soon cause the planet to break free of its orbit and fly off into space.

Can we really blame the 1% for buying the government they want while they still have the chance?