ITITY Current
Affairs Columnist
It’s not
easy separating cold hard facts from the wishful thinking and wild speculation that
passes for news in the increasingly chaotic and incoherent times we currently find ourselves
in.
The
following are some examples of the tips, scraps, and fragments of stories that
have come to the attention of our intrepid reporters, relentless investigators,
and the occasional plucky bystander:
A Manhattan
architect claims that the soon-to-be-completed Trump Presidential Library is located
under a manhole cover on Fifth Avenue and will only be accessible during rush
hour.
Bill Barr may have suggested respecting social
distancing requirements and the second amendment when he was alleged to have commented: “If you have to shoot someone, at least do it from six
feet away.”
An astronomer
at the Lowell Observatory says he has evidence that Elon Musk moved to Mars then
promptly pulled the plug on Space X, so he won’t have to share his new planet
with anyone else.
Hollywood
gossip columnists are trying to confirm the latest rumor that Vin Diesel has been
signed to play Fast Freddie Furball, the stoic drag racing feline in the sure-fire
summer sequel, Cats II.
Conservators
at the Getty Research Institute were curiously vague when asked if, during a
recent visit, Mike Pence requested a private viewing of Robert Mapplethorpe’s
Mineshaft portfolio.
None of these
reports have been verified but are all determined to be about as accurate and
useful as the information presented by the President in one of his daily pandemic
pep rallies.
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