Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Current Affairs Correspondent
New York NY
At an impromptu press conference, held after President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, Donald Trump, who spearheaded the campaign to uncover the document, took full credit for resolving the non-problem he had in fact created. During the conference Trump was asked by a reporter if he would now follow through on his promise made to George Stefanopoulos that he “would release his taxes when Obama releases his birth certificate,” to which Trump responded with a firm non-answer that he would consider it only after Obama also released all of his school transcripts, up to and including kindergarten.
Unbeknownst to Trump, his personal tax returns for the past seven years had already been leaked to Wakileaks, the lesser known organization similar to Wikileaks, which said it had withheld their release until investigations were completed to see if it was Trump himself who had done the leaking. Wakileaks also indicated that they have Trump’s corporate tax returns and materials from his many bankruptcy filings, but because they have as yet been unable to make any sense of them, they are temporarily withholding their release.
The returns included deductions for alimony in the mid-eight figures for his first two wives, and an alimony IRA trust for his current wife, the long suspected, but as yet unproven, former Goldmember Fembot. According to an attached letter from his tax attorneys at the well known firm of Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe, the alimony IRA trust was justified as being necessary because a man in Trump’s position must be prepared to shed a wife on short notice, lest he be unable to remain in the headlines through any other means.
Remarkably, in each reported year Trump showed a multimillion dollar gross income but a net income of less than $17,500 dollars, making him eligible for food stamps and Medicaid, although it is not known if he accepted either. Finally, the only year in which he did not receive a refund was 2008 when he owed a total of $5 to the IRS, which he mailed in on April 14 using a crisp new $3 bill with his own picture on it and an IOU for the remaining $2 signed with a smiley face and the message “Good luck collecting, Sucka!”