Monday, May 23, 2011

A Predictably Typical Apocalypse

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Cultural Affairs Critic

Oakland CA

If you are reading this you have not been chosen. You have not been raptured away from mankind’s earthly troubles. You are still here with the rest of us, left behind to endure the tribulations of endless war and economic hardship. Although exactly how this end of world doom and gloom differs from every other Monday is probably best left to personal interpretation.

Today however, the only things that seem to be missing are the life savings of several true believers, along with their opportunity to drop the ultimate “I told you so.” The only apparent miracle is that in the middle of a recession, tens of millions of dollars were donated to the same persistent prophet who didn’t get it right last time.

Mathematically, your odds weren't very good anyway. Out of the approximately one hundred billion humans who have inhabited this troubled planet, only a hundred thousand or so were supposed to have been judged worthy of being saved, just a slightly better chance than winning the Powerball.

Still, financial speculation in some sort of eschatological escape clause is somewhat understandable. We’d all like to think someone is looking out for us. We’d all like to be less overwhelmed by things we can’t control. We’d all like to be recognized and rewarded for our efforts. And real estate isn’t quite the investment it used to be.

1 comment:

  1. In no way, shape or form would I ever believe in this truely ridiculous apocalypse. but how dare these people get me all excited. The real question is what are these people doing now that nothing happened or should i say person doing now? Did the zombies only come for him? When is the next poor judgement of events going to come along again? or are they going to just revert back to the 2012 theory. "Oh, well we were off by 19 months, it was close enough." Thanks for getting me all excited for nothing. I was really looking forward to waking up and killing zombies on a daily basis. My real goal was to make the zombie kill of the week (every week) but now i cant. It was my only chance at becoming a hero. Im not at war nor am i a policemen or firfighter. wait a minute.... do we have to wait another 6 months before they all show up? Is there still a chance for me? i dont know because you cant even stick to one story! Its more the lack of effort behind the theory that bothers me the most. Have some pride for god sakes. Please stick to radio because your crazy religious theories are depressing to us all. You have crushed my dreams forever with your Donald Trump esque actions
    I wonder what it feels like to be known as an idiot for the rest of your life. Must feel pretty shitty......
    thanks for reading and thanks for posting this so that i could get that off my chest :)
    until the next tasty subject.....