Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Congress Considers Official Language

Washington DC

Amid the prattle and vitriol recently surrounding the possible government shutdown, undoubtedly inspired by and dedicated to Hanlon and his razor, this week congress proposed new legislation intended to define the official language of the United States as Politically-Correct English.

The bill, which at first appeared doomed to failure and endless revision, has met with support from both major parties as politicians, regardless of affiliation, find that they are already fluent in the language, while concurrently seeking any distraction from the imminent furlough of all non-essential personnel.

This legislation comes in response to a speech given by John Boehner, the one-time piccolo virtuoso and current House speaker, who demurely demanded a reduction in the national Hurt Feelings Quotient to 3.72%. The bill has already isolated a list of 1,073 officially politically-incorrect words and phrases, what are to be referred to as non-words, which is only expected to increase in the weeks and months to follow. Additionally it has been suggested that the word ‘America’ assume the status of verb, adjective, and adverb, and that the tittle above the ‘i’ and ‘j’ be replaced with a heart.

All issues pertaining to actual bigotry, intolerance, or budgetary disputes have yet to be addressed.

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