Bullets, Bigots and Born Again Hillbillies

Post-it Note from the Campaign Trail by B F Koch

ITITY 2016 Election Commentator 

Presidential candidate and conservative carnival barker Mike Huckabee recently tried to cash in on the controversy over homophobic county clerk Kim Davis by hosting an Evangelical tent revival upon her release from the local lockup.

Huckabee’s absurd spectacle was attended by a rapturous crowd of good ol’ discriminate-against-thy-neighbor crackers waving crosses, bibles, and that most beloved symbol of inbred southern insularity, the Confederate flag.

The confrontational collection of locked-and-loaded cretins calling themselves the Oath Keepers have sworn to prevent her from being arrested again if Davis doesn’t feel like following the laws she swore an oath to uphold.

In a clever ploy calculated to appeal to his devoted constituents and ensure his domination of the election news, Huckabee himself offered to take her place behind bars.

It’s unclear what part this fantasy may have played in the celebration that followed; however his staff still refuses to comment on the rumor that a hung-over Huckabee awoke the next day beside a half-eaten bag of rainbow Doritos.

The Gold-Plated Monkey Wrench

Contributed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Theater Critic

Those who tuned in to Fox News for the first Republican Presidential Debate were treated to the center stage spectacle of an insult comic campaigning for CEO of USA Inc. The obnoxious billionaire started off by threatening to run as a third party candidate, basically blackmailing his party into nominating him.

The arrogant game show host didn’t offer any policies or positions, but did take the time to tell viewers what he doesn’t have time for, pompously reminded everyone he was rich enough to purchase political favors, and continued his puerile attempt to promote himself by putting everyone else down.

Despite declaring himself the winner, the former beauty pageant sponsor still felt that Megyn Kelly had treated him unfairly by bringing up his history of demeaning women. On CNN the next day he called her a bimbo.

It’s no surprise that this thin-skinned celebrity is leading the polls. There are plenty of people who see in the Prima Donald their own dumbed-down version of the American dream: having a bank account big enough to buy whatever they want, yet still getting to behave like the same boorish slob they were when they were barely scraping by on a small weekly paycheck.