New Land Deal Forms

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Polar Correspondent

Nuuk, Greenland

President Trump announced earlier today that he would be cancelling his diplomatic trip to Denmark to instead visit a destination farther north.

Details provided by the President’s office explained that this change was due to the chief executive’s frustration when his offer to purchase Greenland was quickly rejected by the Danish government, while a similar offer was met warmly by his Arctic counterpart.

Critics have speculated that Trump, anticipating the effects of climate change and the desirability of what in the near future are to be temperate climes, is seeking out development opportunities for new hotels and golf courses.

Repeated interview requests have so far been denied, but a spokeself from his office stated that Santa Claus was “very enthusiastic to get all this ice off his hands while he still can. The boss would have sold him these reindeer if he could.”

No, This Is Who We Are

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Current Events Correspondent

Egged-on by the incessant clamoring of a million social media monsters, safely sheltered in the anonymous refuge of the mindless mob, we, angry spectators of that sleazy cable news spectacle called a presidential election, found, in a vulgar two-bit grifter seething with racist resentment, the depraved embodiment of our deepest desires and darkest inner demons, the vengeful, gold-plated personification of our subconscious greed, hatred, and lust, then, deliberately situated this shameless scam artist where he’s safely shielded from criminal prosecution, provided him with a pulpit from which to preach his deranged message of misogyny, divisiveness, and conspiracy, and remained callously indifferent when this malignant incarnation of the American id unleashed the horrors of home-grown terrorism by incessantly inflaming our xenophobic fear of an imaginary invasion, but it’s all been totally worth it because nothing is quite so satisfying as owning those whiny paper straw sucking libs.