A Brief Inventory of Intellectual Bankruptcy

Reported by B F Koch

ITITY 2012 Campaign Correspondent

Instead of producing a credible presidential candidate, the party willing to tear down the entire country to defeat one man persists in picking over its ideologically impoverished cast of charlatans only to come up with none of the above.

Aside from shamelessly pandering to their bobble-headed base, the only thing they seem somewhat adept at is the ability to turn their incredible ignorance into a ploy for raising their public profile.

Arrogant talk show guest Donald Trump was the first to flame out when he bet all his chips on being able to prove the president wasn’t born in Hawaii.

Tiffany trinket collector Newt Gingrich was next, but his short stint only lasted until people remembered he was, well Newt Gingrich.

Unacquainted with the history of the country she imagines herself qualified to be Commander and Chief of, Michelle Bachmann revealed she was running because God told her to, but when another imaginary friend convinced her that vaccines cause retardation, she suffered a setback even her husband couldn’t pray away.

Author of a Social Security is a Ponzi scheme screed, Rick Perry enjoyed a period of popularity until he suddenly revealed three serious limitations, his inability to assemble words into the expression of an intelligent idea, and the fact that he can only count to two.

Negative cultural stereotype themed restaurant chain proprietor Herman Cain caused a commotion until the public caught on to the fact that his straight talking campaign points were cribbed from cartoons and his vaunted economic policy came from a video game.

Long-winded ideas man Newt Gingrich regained frontrunner status and may retain it unless his supporters remember he’s the same Newt Gingrich who while Speaker of the House set the all time record for ethics violations.

Because of his confounding ability to contradict himself in the span of a single sentence, Mitt Romney is about as believable as his statement that corporations are people too.

Considering the concentration of impenetrable idiocy on display, the idea that we would possibly trust one of these know-nothings with nuclear weapons persuasively nullifies our essential instinct for self preservation.

Forget global warming, the critical mass of mind numbing stupidity in this nation is rapidly increasing to the point when it will soon cause the planet to break free of its orbit and fly off into space.

Can we really blame the 1% for buying the government they want while they still have the chance?

An Empire in Decline Displays its Indifference

Dispatched by B F Koch

ITITY Current Events Correspondent

The booing of a gay soldier serving in Iraq, cheering the number of prisoners executed in Texas, applauding the proposition that if people are poor it’s their own fault, shouting “let him die” in support of the opinion that a person without health care should not be helped and entertaining ideas including electrified fences for keeping out immigrants.

In a series of unscripted responses to the ignorant impostors running for president, audiences assessing the applicants to our most important political position have recently revealed the depth of the callousness and moral corruption we now find it increasingly comfortable to countenance.

A hint of how steeped in self deception our twisted society has become was suggested when the campaign contributions of clueless candidate Herman Cain increased after he was confronted with multiple accusations of sexual harassment.

The complete lack of concern with preserving even the pretense of the principles we venerate was then proudly put on view by the students at Penn State University violently protesting the sacking of their coach who covered up crimes committed against children.

If the quality of a culture is judged by the transgressions it tolerates, there is convincing evidence that calling ourselves civilized is no longer a credible claim.

Charity Loses Faith, Still Has Hope

Filed by F Russell Grumman

ITITY Field Reporter

Ockenga, OH

Evangelicals eagerly rooting for the Rapture have been let down yet again. The End of Days, already postponed from June 21 to October 21, is apparently still somewhere in God’s great abeyance file.

Even more disappointed however is the Association of Evangelical Charities 501(c) which, in anticipation of the disappearance of the chosen, organized the collection of their no longer needed worldly goods for a massive multi-location rummage sale intended to benefit those left behind.

Pastor Harold Herald of the organization opined “The passin of dates for the End Times that have a come and a gone durin the last oh, 100 years or so, is a causin some of our members to doubt whether the Last Judgment really is imminent.”

Continuing, Herald added “And repeatedly rampin up for the big sale only to have to stand down when nothin happens is a beginnin to test our patience, not to mention the strain it’s a puttin on our resources.”

Herald then quietly confided “Unlessun the December 21, 2012 prophecy comes true, I’m a gonna have myself some serious reservations regardin future apocalyptic predictions until people actually start disappearin before my very own eyes.”