Filed by F Russell Grumman
ITITY 2012 Campaign Field Reporter
After the latest primary results, the possibility of Newt Gingrich regaining his status as conservative frontrunner seemed even more remote than his imaginary lunar colony, but recent events involving his rivals have not only resurrected the former speaker’s crusade, they’ve completely turned the republican campaign on its inanely hollow head.
Mitt Romney’s attempt to pander to the canine coalition by riding atop his campaign bus shouting “see, it’s not so bad” abruptly ended when he became entangled in a low hanging power line, causing even his well heeled cohorts to admit he didn’t have the same appeal with his perfect hair standing straight on end.
Rick Santorum was heard to say “Just ask Rick Perry, the third one’s always the hardest” before being interrupted by his astonished congregation, and while the strange details of his attempted self crucifixion are still emerging, pundits have already agreed he has conclusively proven himself to be the extreme Catholic candidate.
Ron Paul’s sudden disappearance before a small gathering of dedicated followers has the internet conspiracy theorist community already speculating on possible explanations including a killer drone strike, alien abduction, and maybe just wandered off and got a little lost like old people sometimes do.