Failing Bigly

Dashed Off by BF Koch

ITITY 2016 Campaign Commentator

Refusing to abandon their doomed cause despite poll numbers sinking in a sea of criticism and unable to distinguish his commands from the sound of a malfunctioning bilge pump, his loyal but confused crew stand by helplessly as their self-destructive candidate, Captain Spraytan fires the only remaining flare pistol into his left foot, throws his gold-plated binoculars overboard, not-so-sarcastically cuts all the lifeboats loose, then takes the great ship’s wheel in his tiny little hands, orders full steam ahead, and steers the already listing S.S. Trumptanic straight into another iceberg.

Fourth Estate Sale

Typed in the Dark by E C and B F Koch

ITITY Financial Correspondents

New York, NY

Following the collapse of the fourth estate, Sotheby’s has issued a catalogue listing the items to be auctioned in next week’s much anticipated private sale.

Experts are currently speculating that profits from the sale of these items could equal those of last year’s third estate sale, valuated at $1.26B.

The estate’s collapse is believed to have begun in the early nineties with the advent of twenty-four hour news coverage, continued by substituting substantive discussion with valueless argument, and ended with the celebritization of base behavior.

Items expected to fetch the highest bids are: Lot 266 Due Diligence, Lot 369 Objectivity, and Lot 67622 Courage.

Really America? Really?

Contributed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Theater Critic

We stared at our flat screens for four awful nights as an incoherent procession of two-bit buzzards stripped the last sinews of respect from the bones of the Republican Party and nominated for president the spray-tanned personification of their own paranoid insanity.

A delusional Rudy Giuliani ranted about the terrorists under our beds, Chris Christie’s maniacal lynch mob was ready to hang Hillary from the rafters, and the candidate’s poor wife had to borrow some of the words she used trying to humanize her husband.

The days following this surreal spectacle saw the slighted child who would be commander in chief throw an infantile Twitter tantrum against a grieving gold star family, then casually quip that receiving a Purple Heart as a gift was easier than earning it.

He said that he knows more about ISIS than the generals, that he could have stopped 9/11, and may have recently revealed his plan for how he alone could put an end to all our problems when he asked why we don’t just use our nuclear weapons.

His mental stability has been questioned since his birther beginnings. Pundits continuously claim he’s at last crossed that line, and that his shameless self promotion is finally imploding. But the one thing this campaign has made absolutely clear is that for most of Trump’s supporters, there is no too far.