Sunday, September 25, 2016

Did Trump Really Say That?

By F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Senior Political Correspondent

This article originally appeared in the West Palm Beach Shuffleboard Gazette. It is reprinted here with their generous permission.

Despite Dr. Oddball Bornstein of the Lennox Hill Home for the Incurably Conceited shamelessly stating that Donald J. Trump is the healthiest 70-year-old junk food junkie he’s ever seen, the candidate’s performance during the primaries had all the symptoms of an outraged fanatic unable to stop his short-circuiting neural pathways from interrupting his rambling improvisations with synaptic sparks of psychotic self-delusion.

Taking a page out of his Wharton School of Casino Management senior thesis, The Art of the Bait and Switch, Trump’s new ego masseuse and conspiracy nut wrangler Kellyanne Conway promised the would-be narcissist-in-chief would soon pivot to a more “general election” demeanor.  

Surreptitiously procured by the Donald J. Trump Personally Profitable Nonprofit Foundation, which also purchased an edition of Presidential Campaigning for Dummies autographed by “Pitchfork” Ben Tillman, the candidate’s speeches are now cobbled together for him using the same copy of Politically Incorrect Mad Libs employed by Strom Thurmond to articulate his opinions on race relations.

The presentation may look different, but it’s still the same repulsive message delivered to the same deplorable mob, only now read from a pair of teleprompters with the halting awkwardness of a heavily sedated orangutan struggling to keep up with a leisurely played game of ping pong.

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