Occupy This

Dispatched by B F Koch

ITITY Current Events Correspondent

It’s no wonder evolution is such a hard sell these days, considering our perception of the planet and the people living on it hasn’t changed in over two hundred years.

It is not, as some insist, that we’ve forgotten our founders; it’s that we still think it’s our right to plunder whatever portion of the world’s resources we feel entitled to.

As long as we all enjoyed some small share of the spoils, it was easy to overlook the misery we caused for the countless millions who just got in our way.

What we failed to notice however is that eventually our regulations just got in the way, our laws just got in the way, and finally our idea of self governing democracy just got in the way.

We have recently awakened to the realization that the only thing left is us. Now we are in the way.

Intervention For America

Filed by B D Warzecha

ITITY Reporter at Large

Rochester MN

“I understand that everyone has their own opinions as to how I got to where I am. Clearly I’m not perfect, and sure, sometimes I broke the rules and forced myself into places just to get more, but then, I was on top."

“Honestly I was startled when I began to realize that my friends no longer believed a word I said; so I kicked, screamed, and yelled, hoping to get their attention, demanding they do as I say, but they just wouldn’t listen, and often, I simply left them behind."

“It never took long before I needed more, but everyone was on to me and no one was willing to intervene, so I just invaded in order to get it, but it was never enough. Out of money, places to go, and options, I decided to let my friends help."

"How do I feel? Oil has controlled me for the better part of my life. From the time I discovered it I loved it, I needed more, and there was nothing else. It has controlled many decisions, some good, most bad. Without it, I panic and don’t know where to turn. I know I have to find something else, I just hope it’s something that’s easier to score.”

New Political Group Founded

Contributed by E C Koch

ITITY Political Correspondent

Plymouth MA

The popularization of a new political faction, consisting largely of congressional members and excommunicated Ron Paul staffers, has recently been found to be in violation of the traditional governing edict concerning the separation of church and state.

This group, calling itself The Puritans, espouses, along with fiscal and social conservativism, a literal interpretation of the US constitution, which serves as their sacred text, and is treated as such.

Group leaders argue that the original document should be enough to govern a nation, and that amendments should be interpreted as acononical bastardizations of the founding fathers’ original intentions.

When asked about the contradictory nature of the group’s stance on the typical adherence of the Establishment Clause, group leader Michele Bachmann responded, “After George Washington created the United States in seven days he inspired Thomas Jefferson to write this holy document and it shouldn't be tampered with. I mean, this is fact; it’s literally in our kid’s textbooks! It’s being taught in our schools!”

Cantor Receives Rare Honor

Hung Out To Dry by F Russell Grumman

ITITY West Wing Watchdog

Washington DC

In a rare event the low profile organization of ultra-rich activists that calls itself the Paternal Order of Oligarchic Patriots has bestowed its highest honor recognizing political insensitivity upon House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

Prior recipients of this award, acknowledging an extraordinary level of brazen hubris displayed by political figures, have included: Gerald Ford for telling New York to “Go to Hell,” Jessie Jackson for his famous “Hymie-Town” remark, and Trent Lott for wondering aloud how great it would have been if Strom Thurmond had been elected President in 1948 on his staunch segregationist platform.

“The line between political courage and completely insensitive stupidity, commonly referred to as the ‘Chris Christie boundary,’ is often unclear;” according to the award committee, “especially at the emotional moment the statement was spluttered.”

After telling the press that FEMA aid to catastrophe-stricken communities should be held hostage to more budget cuts, the award committee unanimously voted to bestow the prestigious and coveted Marie Antoinette Award to Cantor, who now joins the lofty ranks of Jackson and Thurmond.

Have We Done Enough Damage Yet?

Contributed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Commentator

We responded to a criminal act committed by stateless actors by violating international law and invading a sovereign state, then another and yet another. Politicians, pundits and media personalities, all reading from the same page of the propaganda playbook, have been complicit in convincing us this somehow made us safer.

At some point the potential presented by a trillion dollar a year security industry made perpetuating the threat more profitable than actually making us more secure. As we repeatedly remind ourselves that we will never forget, we focus our attention on what they did to us, overlooking what we did to us.

We can take some small comfort from the possibility that the people who hate us for our freedoms probably hate us a little bit less after we passed the Patriot Act. Now, in order to protect them, we treat our own citizens as suspects. Our paranoia has made it possible that we may lose everything before we notice anything is missing.

In a country whose history has been completely confused by relentless revisionism, it is sometimes a challenge to recognize our failures. The bad news is that for the past ten years we have continued to double down on dumb decisions. We have failed, but it’s an American failure, so we love it.

Congress Asks Citizens To Save Date

Filed by B D Warzecha
ITITY Reporter At Large

Washington DC

Earlier this week, after Michelle Bachmann, fearing her waining relevance, reportedly walked through her kitchen, noticed that her calendar was nearly ended, and immediately called upon members of Congress to come together, drop everything, and join her Save The World campaign.

This newly conjectured end-of-the-world date has driven another popular minority into hysterics, while the US has pledged that it will contribute over $2 Trillion to the efforts of Save The World, 25 other leading countries have vowed that if the world is actually saved by these efforts, they will erase all US debt.

As politicians work around the clock to avoid engaging any real world issues, grocery stores, convenience stores, and gas stations nationwide have been emptied of essentials. "It's like hurricane Irene all over again," said New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, "but this time there's no need to take all the food and water, if it's the end of the world, you won't need it."

Leading calendar publisher and expert in the field, Andrews McMeel, has reportedly been asked by Congressional leaders and Save The World to publish an early release of their 2012 edition, effectively erasing the US debt, a publication that remains forthcoming.

Newest Reserve Currency Announced

Reported by E C Koch

ITITY Banking Commentator

Atlantic City NJ

After a months-long deliberation among prominent government leaders and international financiers, it was recently announced that the world’s reserve currency has again been reassessed and changed.

The anchor currency, that for so long has been the US Dollar, and, in part, controls both foreign exchange rates and commodities pricing, has been switched to the more stable and inflation protected Monopoly Money.

This decision, which some bankers have been anticipating for several years, tails a recent trend in global economics that has cast a shadow of doubt upon the stability of the US economy and has citizens the world over raiding their cabinets and cupboards seeking this newly valuated tender.

Parker Brothers, in reaction to the news, has stated that they will continue to produce the popular board game, but that it will consequently be adjusted for inflation and issued with the requisite quantity of, now worthless, American dollars.