New Biz Opening Soon

Dashed Off by E C Koch

ITITY’s Girl Friday

Milwaukee, WI

Even without the circumstances of the current crisis, opening another brewery in the beer-saturated city of Milwaukee would be a challenge, but that’s just what master brewer, Les Mitchell, is about to do.

Scheduled to open later this week in the city’s Riverwest section, Humboldt Brewing Company appeared only days ago to be dead on arrival, yet now is poised to emerge as a symbol of triumph amid mounting despair.

Mitchell’s tenacity to see HBC through its difficult birth was matched just in time with the support of a local government eager to bolster its staggering economy, a gesture Mitchell readily acknowledges.

“The city counselors have been really great,” says Mitchell, “and in a way I’m lucky to be opening when I am—there’s no other scenario where they’d look the other way about the gas leak, or the asbestos, or that family of badgers living in the basement.”

Geography Teacher Wins Accolades

Plotted by E C Koch

ITITY Enigmatology Reporter

Bloomington, IN

As many school districts have directed their instructors to transition to online learning formats, teachers are now attempting to innovate amid a challenging new instructional environment.

Among the many educators working to make the most of the extraordinary situation is Allison Franklin, a first-grade teacher at Fairview Elementary School whose geography lessons have lately garnered positive attention for their ability to calibrate complex concepts to her student’s comprehension levels.

“Teaching students at this age,” says Franklin, “is the work of introducing them to the material they don’t know through concepts they do know—my kids might not know what the United States looks like, but they’re familiar with jigsaw puzzles, so I’ll explain how we have one country, but we have lots of different pieces – it’s a puzzle – we have beautiful pieces, beautiful states, that make up the whole country.”

When asked how she planned to continue the school year during the current crisis, Franklin stated, “Well, typically, the next unit is about the role of the WHO, but, since it looks like they won’t be around for much longer, I’ve been thinking we’ll cover the efficacy of tariffs instead.”

Government Branches Soon Pruned

Scratched out by E C Koch

ITITY Horticultural Commentator

Ithaca, NY

The renowned America Tree, long-standing symbol of the balance of powers dating back to the colonial era, saw a sudden deterioration this week.

Entrusted to the council of the city of Ithaca, New York, by congressional delegate, William Floyd, in 1791, the young oak, pared down by Floyd to represent the three branches of government, came to be known as the America Tree, and has stood in Floyd Square outside City Hall for more than two centuries.

Yesterday, visitors to the popular tourist attraction noted with concern that two of the oak’s three branches appeared to have considerably withered, prompting some to speculate that it may need to be cut down.

During a phone interview this morning, Ed Alsop, Ithaca’s head gardener, stated, “those folks that saw it said it looked like all the life drained out of them two branches. So, looks like we’ll have to lop them off if they don’t pick back up soon. It’s a shame and all, but I guess the thing was always going to die eventually.”

New Voting Restriction Rankles

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Elections Analyst

Palm Beach, FL

Without an end to the current crisis anywhere in sight, the Trump administration has announced a new set of guidelines ahead of November’s election.

After ignoring input from several constitutional lawyers, as well as a team of public relations experts, the general election, previously scheduled for November Third, has been postponed until such time as the President determines that it’s safe enough to vote.

Notwithstanding the constitutionality claimed by the administration, House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, and Senate Minority Leader, Chuck Schumer, quickly sent a strongly worded letter to the President beseeching him to “pretty, pretty please, reconsider [his] position.”

When questioned about whether a Supreme Court ruling might be required, Attorney General, William Barr, said, “You think Ginsburg’s stepping in front of this bus? The court’s stacked. It’s already over.”

Undaunted Zorg Spurs Economy

Telezapped by E C Koch

ITITY Intergalactic Stringer

Now into the third month of the bombardment, the meteors raining down on Quallan Alpha have yet to significantly relent.

With the planet’s labor force now taking shelter from the deadly storm, the production of gribblaks, the tent post of Quallan Alpha’s economy, has precipitously dropped, leading analysts both inside and outside the cabinet to suspect that the Imperial Zorg’s government might dissolve after only one lustrum.

In a move that some are criticizing as reckless, the Imperial Zorg indicated yesterday that he was willing to sacrifice some inhabitants if it meant kickstarting the planet’s gribblak industry, and so intends to decree that workers must soon expose themselves to meteor strikes with only minimal protection.

In answer to what kind of protective equipment workers might expect to receive from the government, Imperial Zorg stated, “We’re going to make a decision, and hopefully, it’s going to be the right decision. Right now, We’re thinking umbrellas.”

Toy Tantrum Earns Ire

Written without Supervision by E C Koch

ITITY Ebullitions Editor

Washington, DC

At a playdate hosted at Timmy’s yesterday, the scheduled order of events was interrupted after one attendee, Jared, kept all the toys for himself.

Having agreed to initiate a game of “Us and Them,” a local variant of the more well known “Cops and Robbers,” Jared, Timmy, and the other boys split into teams before the altercation commenced.

The aggregation of several witness statements has corroborated a first-hand account claiming that Jared freaked out, piled all the toys from the rec room into a corner, and claimed that distributing the toys among the game’s players was not “how the game worked.”

Even to the repeated admonishments from the boys present, who cited long-standing precedent to the contrary, Jared wouldn’t relent, stating that he would keep “our toys” until Timmy’s mom intervened.

Uncowed Faithful Take Stand

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Hagiographer-in-Residence

The recent crisis has led many states to attempt mitigation by issuing orders preventing in-person attendance of religious services, leading to increased consternation among habitual and casual churchgoers alike.

Some organizations have sought redress in federal courts, claiming that such preventative measures constitute a violation of the first amendment’s commonly understood provision for the freedom of worship and religious expression.

Many parishioners, unwilling to wait for the conclusion of what are anticipated to be lengthy judicial proceedings, are continuing to attend their respective houses of worship regardless of either legal or health consequences.

When asked whether she was concerned that her actions could harm those around her, Cindy Mooncalf of Ohio’s Church of the Callow Heart said, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Why would I worry, I’m covered in—what is this? Ketchup?”