Shark Jumps Trump

Dispatched by B F Koch
ITITY Current Events Correspondent 

Washington D.C. 

Future Jeopardy question in the “Losers Who Didn’t Know When to Quit” category and two-bit racist grifter who bull-in-china-shopped his way into the White House has been impeached for a second time in his first and last term in office after inciting his Confederate cosplay lynch mob, running on toxic Fox News fumes and still carrying a Four Seasons Total Landscaping tiki torch for their imbecilic Lost Cause, then directing them to storm the U.S. Capitol where they, stupidly snapping self-incriminating selfies while proudly wearing their MAGA branded hate merch, were allowed to rampage with white privilege impunity, convinced by their seditious cult leader they could somehow reverse the election results, deny their soon-to-be minority status in the culture they’re accustomed to dominating, and prevent the intolerable reality of their inevitable irrelevance. 

Not the End

New Testing Measures Announced

Bubbles Filled In by E C Koch

ITITY Higher Ed Correspondent

Reston, VA

As the future college class of 2024 concludes its final year of high school amid the current crisis, pressure to address how standardized entrance exams will be administered has mounted.

Following the recommendations of the Department of Education and several state accreditation councils, all students have been automatically issued perfect SAT scores.

When asked how the determination was made, Education Secretary and literate, Betsy DeVos, said, “It’s way easier to just assume that everyone took the test and passed it than it is to actually test everybody, so we decided that everyone scored perfectly.”

Though analysts have suggested that these measures will skew the statistics to the point of meaninglessness, government officials have maintained that the resources required to test the whole country just don’t exist.

Essentially True

Contributed by B F Koch

ITITY Current Affairs Columnist

It’s not easy separating cold hard facts from the wishful thinking and wild speculation that passes for news in the increasingly chaotic and incoherent times we currently find ourselves in.

The following are some examples of the tips, scraps, and fragments of stories that have come to the attention of our intrepid reporters, relentless investigators, and the occasional plucky bystander:

A Manhattan architect claims that the soon-to-be-completed Trump Presidential Library is located under a manhole cover on Fifth Avenue and will only be accessible during rush hour.

Bill Barr may have suggested respecting social distancing requirements and the second amendment when he was alleged to have commented: “If you have to shoot someone, at least do it from six feet away.”

An astronomer at the Lowell Observatory says he has evidence that Elon Musk moved to Mars then promptly pulled the plug on Space X, so he won’t have to share his new planet with anyone else.

Hollywood gossip columnists are trying to confirm the latest rumor that Vin Diesel has been signed to play Fast Freddie Furball, the stoic drag racing feline in the sure-fire summer sequel, Cats II.

Conservators at the Getty Research Institute were curiously vague when asked if, during a recent visit, Mike Pence requested a private viewing of Robert Mapplethorpe’s Mineshaft portfolio.

None of these reports have been verified but are all determined to be about as accurate and useful as the information presented by the President in one of his daily pandemic pep rallies.

Stifled Liberties Pique Protests

Reported by E C Koch

ITITY Political Science Analyst

Paris, Texas

Protests have broken out across the country in response to the decision made by many state governments to restrict its respective citizens’ freedoms.

Seeking nothing less than the reversal of this decision, protesters across the Lone Star State demanded this week that they once again be allowed to realize the agency afforded to them by the constitution within the public sphere.

For their part, states have continued to assert that such efforts at mitigation are ultimately in the interest of the polis at large, which occasionally comes at the cost of individual privilege.

When asked whether the citizen was endowed with rights from the state or, instead, whether freedom inhered to the citizen upon birth, protester, Jay Russo, said, “Look around, dude. Man was born free, right? But, then, everywhere he’s in chains. What’s the point of government if I can’t even walk to the mailbox to get my unemployment check?”

Billionaire Bunker Gets Bailout Bucks

Uncovered by B F Koch

ITITY Financial Correspondent

Decameron, South Dakota

In investigating the disbursement of CARES Act stimulus payments, ITITY has learned that hundreds of millions of dollars intended for small business relief were actually poured into a gigantic hole in the ground, or, to be more precise, a luxuriously renovated Cold War missile silo.

Shining City Elite Survival Shelter investor and resident Matt Miserly set us straight: “You call it a tragedy; we call it an opportunity. It’s the way things work. It’s not socialism when it goes to the one percent. It’s just business, pal, you know, the business of taking care of business.

“Oh, by the way, you want to know where all those missing medical supplies went? There’s a warehouse on level forty-five that’s full of the stuff, test kits, ventilators, everything, and more than we’ll ever need. Yeah, but keep sewing those face masks all you Girl Scouts, you’re so cute.

“Every con needs a mark, a sap, a chump. The government is playing its part and the press is playing their part. Look, he told you what the score was when he came down that escalator. If you still don’t know who the sucker is, friend, it’s you.”

New Biz Opening Soon

Dashed Off by E C Koch

ITITY’s Girl Friday

Milwaukee, WI

Even without the circumstances of the current crisis, opening another brewery in the beer-saturated city of Milwaukee would be a challenge, but that’s just what master brewer, Les Mitchell, is about to do.

Scheduled to open later this week in the city’s Riverwest section, Humboldt Brewing Company appeared only days ago to be dead on arrival, yet now is poised to emerge as a symbol of triumph amid mounting despair.

Mitchell’s tenacity to see HBC through its difficult birth was matched just in time with the support of a local government eager to bolster its staggering economy, a gesture Mitchell readily acknowledges.

“The city counselors have been really great,” says Mitchell, “and in a way I’m lucky to be opening when I am—there’s no other scenario where they’d look the other way about the gas leak, or the asbestos, or that family of badgers living in the basement.”

Geography Teacher Wins Accolades

Plotted by E C Koch

ITITY Enigmatology Reporter

Bloomington, IN

As many school districts have directed their instructors to transition to online learning formats, teachers are now attempting to innovate amid a challenging new instructional environment.

Among the many educators working to make the most of the extraordinary situation is Allison Franklin, a first-grade teacher at Fairview Elementary School whose geography lessons have lately garnered positive attention for their ability to calibrate complex concepts to her student’s comprehension levels.

“Teaching students at this age,” says Franklin, “is the work of introducing them to the material they don’t know through concepts they do know—my kids might not know what the United States looks like, but they’re familiar with jigsaw puzzles, so I’ll explain how we have one country, but we have lots of different pieces – it’s a puzzle – we have beautiful pieces, beautiful states, that make up the whole country.”

When asked how she planned to continue the school year during the current crisis, Franklin stated, “Well, typically, the next unit is about the role of the WHO, but, since it looks like they won’t be around for much longer, I’ve been thinking we’ll cover the efficacy of tariffs instead.”