The Louis Vuitton Newt Gingrich Collection

Filed by F. Russell Grumman

ITITY International Affairs Correspondent

Paris France

Coinciding with the declaration of his presidential candidacy, the world’s most famous maker of luxury hand bags has announced a revolutionary line of luggage in honor of Newt Gingrich, carrying the promotional tag “A Natural Fit“.

After clarifying that she has had nothing but a purely professional relationship with Mr. Gingrich, Louis Vuitton spokeswoman, Michelle La Strumpette revealed the new line to the trade press explaining that it was inspired by the ethically challenged former Speaker of the House, whose name and the word baggage are nearly synonymous.

She added that it is Lois Vuitton’s intention to change the common connotation of baggage by calling it luggage in much the same way that Gingrich, by finding religion, was transformed from a morally deficient adulterer and egotistical hypocrite into a loving grandfather and faithful husband.

Aesthetically, the luggage features the famous LV brand design in black and white, corresponding with its namesake’s world view. Lined in red, white and blue, the pieces are spacious enough to accommodate skeletons, both real and metaphorical.

A first for Louis Vuitton, the new line will be manufactured with faux leather as it was considered appropriate that the Gingrich Collection be a cheap imitation that passes itself off as the real thing.

Miscalculation Piques Interest

St. Louis MO

A discovery late last week is expected to have major implications regarding the already mounting national debt, where it was found, after an accounting clerk did a routine record check, that there was a discrepancy in the current estimation of our nation’s debt.

Apparently an oversight, involving a misplaced decimal, has underestimated the debt by a factor of six, and even has some economists concerned as to how this will affect domestic export prices.

The gaff has been traced back to the head accounting office during a particularly busy period in 2005. Though no official report has been filed, it is supposed that the error occurred during a symposium on New New Governing Dynamics: A Nashian Guide to Certainty in GDP during that year’s worldwide economic summit.

A spokesperson for the head accounting office has stated, “Well once you enter the world of hypermath, and numbers the size of the national debt, calculation errors and misplaced decimals don’t really matter. Really at this point it would be like asking a four-year old to number the stars and then getting really angry at her for miscounting after about ten trillion or so.”

Justice

We have spent the last decade in our declining empire living in a fear, manipulated by our government and magnified by our media, of apparent perils and perceived enemies while ignoring the most insidious threats to our way of life, our own pervasive paranoia and hegemonic hubris.

Our once prosperous and confident country now faces the future with increasing apprehension. We elect leaders not for their bold vision, but for their paltry promises to protect us and we carelessly concede our liberties for the fleeting illusion of safety.

We trust in the awesome power of our weapons yet have lost faith in the simple strength of our beliefs. We use our military might to remake the world in our image even as we surrender the ideals that made us strong.

A trillion dollars squandered. A million lives ended. Celebrating vengeance will not save us, even if we call it justice.

Rabbi Speaks On Birther Bill

Filed by F. Russell Grumman

ITITY Sabbatical Reporter

Phoenix AZ

Shortly before Gov. Brewer’s veto of the Presidential Birther Bill passed by the Arizona legislature, Rabbi Chelm Geltwasser, a respected leader of the small Arizona Orthodox Jewish community, held a press conference to oppose its becoming law.

Rabbi Geltwasser told the press that, outside of the Orthodox community, few Jewish men, and no women, could produce a legal circumcision certificate. He also pointed out that inasmuch as such certificates are written entirely in Hebrew, they would be inadmissible under Arizona’s current requirement that all legal documents be in English, and moreover, they would be incomprehensible to the goyim on the State Elections Board who might understand English or speak just enough Spanish to communicate with their gardeners.

The rabbi also noted that a similar bill had been defeated in the Israeli Knesset as a requirement for being Prime Minister or President when opponents pointed out that phony circumcision certificates were readily available on the black market; leaving physical inspection by a team of moyels the only reliable way to identify the telltale bris handiwork of a true moyel, as opposed to just some pediatrician.

When Rabbi Geltwasser was asked if he had personally talked to Governor Brewer, he said he had not, but emphasized that it was not because he did not speak to shiksas, but because he was very busy preparing for the Sabbath.

Congress Designates New Territory

Washington DC

Congress took time last week from an already full schedule to resolve yet another daunting national concern, which could prove to have future census implications. It was after much debate and careful introspection that the Senate and House of Representatives have passed a mandate to geographically define the boundaries of the Real America on all official maps of the United States.

The problem was originally presented to government leaders during the latest presidential campaign, during which then vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin and current professor emeritus of journalism at Wasilla County Community College, referenced the recondite land area which Congress has now worked to strictly define.

Much of the impetus behind this movement came, in fact, from Real Americans themselves who sought government recognition for their unique patria, as well as the comfort that comes from knowing just where one lives. With the official release of the Real America on the map many borderline Americans have stated that they plan to move to within the boundary line, lest their patriotism be called into question.

Congressional support came in large part from Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) who, when asked about what plans were in place to resolve the spending issues surrounding the most recent deadline for the pending government shutdown, responded “Wait, what?”

The Diary of Ayn Rand

Reported by B F Koch
ITITY Cultural Commentator





Chicago IL


Economists, scholars, and social critics are hoping a three thousand page manuscript recently found in the Milton Friedman wing of the University of Chicago library may provide some insight into the popular author’s inspirations. It is thought that the following passages in particular may help illustrate the formation of her ideas and illuminate the foundation of her philosophy.

June 30, 1910 (age five) I baked some cookies today. I took pride in the recognition of the fact that they were really good cookies. Then my little moocher friends came over and ate them all. I must learn to value myself, by which I mean I must fight for my own cookies.

April 16, 1917 (age twelve) The chaos of the classroom is made possible by nothing but the sanction the teacher gives it. In History class today Mr. Galtzky got fed up trying to maintain discipline and just walked out. Rationality is the recognition of the fact that nothing is going to mend that broken globe.

January 4, 1923 (age eighteen) I must insist that I reject my own intuition. My new boyfriend is just like the last one, another schnorrer who only wants to drink, smoke cigarettes, and discuss Marxism, and then expects me to pay for our date. I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never go out with another Bolshevik.

After immigrating to America in 1925, Rand stopped writing in her diary and began a series of successful dystopian romance novels some still consider significant.

Taxing Taxes Trump Trump

Filed by F. Russell Grumman

ITITY Current Affairs Correspondent

New York NY

At an impromptu press conference, held after President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, Donald Trump, who spearheaded the campaign to uncover the document, took full credit for resolving the non-problem he had in fact created. During the conference Trump was asked by a reporter if he would now follow through on his promise made to George Stefanopoulos that he “would release his taxes when Obama releases his birth certificate,” to which Trump responded with a firm non-answer that he would consider it only after Obama also released all of his school transcripts, up to and including kindergarten.

Unbeknownst to Trump, his personal tax returns for the past seven years had already been leaked to Wakileaks, the lesser known organization similar to Wikileaks, which said it had withheld their release until investigations were completed to see if it was Trump himself who had done the leaking. Wakileaks also indicated that they have Trump’s corporate tax returns and materials from his many bankruptcy filings, but because they have as yet been unable to make any sense of them, they are temporarily withholding their release.

The returns included deductions for alimony in the mid-eight figures for his first two wives, and an alimony IRA trust for his current wife, the long suspected, but as yet unproven, former Goldmember Fembot. According to an attached letter from his tax attorneys at the well known firm of Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe, the alimony IRA trust was justified as being necessary because a man in Trump’s position must be prepared to shed a wife on short notice, lest he be unable to remain in the headlines through any other means.

Remarkably, in each reported year Trump showed a multimillion dollar gross income but a net income of less than $17,500 dollars, making him eligible for food stamps and Medicaid, although it is not known if he accepted either. Finally, the only year in which he did not receive a refund was 2008 when he owed a total of $5 to the IRS, which he mailed in on April 14 using a crisp new $3 bill with his own picture on it and an IOU for the remaining $2 signed with a smiley face and the message “Good luck collecting, Sucka!”