Toy Tantrum Earns Ire

Written without Supervision by E C Koch

ITITY Ebullitions Editor

Washington, DC

At a playdate hosted at Timmy’s yesterday, the scheduled order of events was interrupted after one attendee, Jared, kept all the toys for himself.

Having agreed to initiate a game of “Us and Them,” a local variant of the more well known “Cops and Robbers,” Jared, Timmy, and the other boys split into teams before the altercation commenced.

The aggregation of several witness statements has corroborated a first-hand account claiming that Jared freaked out, piled all the toys from the rec room into a corner, and claimed that distributing the toys among the game’s players was not “how the game worked.”

Even to the repeated admonishments from the boys present, who cited long-standing precedent to the contrary, Jared wouldn’t relent, stating that he would keep “our toys” until Timmy’s mom intervened.

Uncowed Faithful Take Stand

Filed by E C Koch

ITITY Hagiographer-in-Residence

The recent crisis has led many states to attempt mitigation by issuing orders preventing in-person attendance of religious services, leading to increased consternation among habitual and casual churchgoers alike.

Some organizations have sought redress in federal courts, claiming that such preventative measures constitute a violation of the first amendment’s commonly understood provision for the freedom of worship and religious expression.

Many parishioners, unwilling to wait for the conclusion of what are anticipated to be lengthy judicial proceedings, are continuing to attend their respective houses of worship regardless of either legal or health consequences.

When asked whether she was concerned that her actions could harm those around her, Cindy Mooncalf of Ohio’s Church of the Callow Heart said, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else. Why would I worry, I’m covered in—what is this? Ketchup?”

Forget it Jake, it’s MAGA Town

Filed by B F Koch

ITITY Political Prognosticator

The following are just some of the little things you can look forward to after the Donald Trump Traveling Miracle Cure Medicine Show is renewed for four more long years:

The day Steve “Three-card Monte” Mnuchin’s only explanation for how Kim Kardashian’s portrait wound up on the new twenty-dollar bill was “Harriet who?”

The day the governors of all fifty states trampled each other to compete on the One America News Network premiere of Jared Kushner’s Medical Supply Scavenger Hunt.

The day Kid Rock finished hammering out the subtle phrasing of our New National Anthem while casually rolling coal across the howling wasteland we used to call America.

The day the Supreme Court’s favorite frat boy, Bret “Kegger” Kavanaugh, barfed up the idea that being registered as a democrat automatically disqualified one from voting.

The day Vin Diesel received the Academy Award for Best Actor for his sensitive portrayal of Boom-Boom Radley, the mute drag racer in To Curb Stomp a Mockingbird.

The days President Trump reminds us that real power is getting away with bragging about getting away with it. How real was his second inauguration? As real as WrestleMania, sucker.

Chief Exec Calms Concerns

Quacked into the Void by E C Koch

ITITY Capitol Correspondent

At a hastily assembled press conference held earlier this week, President Trump addressed the growing national crisis.

Quelling mounting anxiety that there might be something to worry about, the President returned to his message of reassurance, noting that the country’s best researchers were working tirelessly to guarantee that his health is absolutely not at risk.

Flanked by two adults, Deborah Birx and Anthony Fauci, President Trump continued by reiterating that the best defense against illness is to wear a mask containing incense when in public spaces.

When asked about the credence of a recent study suggesting that illness was caused, in part, by viruses, the President denied the report’s conclusion, stating, “Look, I’m not a doctor, but I have common sense.”

Scientists Claim Record Reached

Dug Up by E C Koch

ITITY Statistics Editor

Baltimore, MD

A team of research scientists, doctors, and statisticians out of the Johns Hopkins University Laboratory for Advanced Thanatology released a report earlier this week that issued a surprising conclusion.

Following years of data analysis, including the aggregation of census files, death certificates, and cemetery records, the study concluded that one billion Americans have now died since the founding of the republic.

Research team leader and co-author of the report, Marie Charon, stated in an interview, “This is a truly incredible finding, that, frankly, the team wasn’t expecting. Our initial estimates only had us around eleventh place, so to find out we’re number one was really quite exciting.”

Charon declined to answer whether she thought America’s unusually high figure was related to a traditionally lax health care system, but a researcher close to the project offered that “a stronger [health care] system would really eat into our lead. And anyway, how would you pay for it?”

Unexpected Landmark Discovery Made

Dispatched by E C Koch

ITITY Statuary Correspondent

Liberty Island, NJ

Due to an unprecedented drop in visitation, national parks across the United States have initiated a suite of long-neglected restoration projects.

Second only to the recoloration of the Grand Canyon, the most anticipated project was Lady Liberty’s long overdue buff and wax.

The restoration was suspended during its preparation stage, however, after a heretofore unnoticed expiration date was discovered stamped into the famed landmark’s base.

Said project manager, Laz Bartholdi, “We took that poem off the side to get the old girl ready for her tune up and there it was. You know how they put stickers on fruit to cover a bruise? Yeah, it’s like that.”

Infectious Support Surges Exponentially

Diagnosed at a Distance by E C Koch and B F Koch

ITITY Epidemiology Correspondents

Londonderry Township, PA

Choosing to dismiss the advice of his administration’s few remaining healthcare experts, President Trump recently visited Dauphin County, PA, where he held a rally intended to energize his base ahead of November’s election.

Following a script that has become standard for similar events, the rally, sponsored by Pennsylvania’s Miasmatic Committee to Re-Elect, featured a densely packed auditorium of the chief executive’s most virulent supporters.

After speeches delivered by celebrity physician, Andrew Wakefield, and euthanasia enthusiast, Dan Patrick, the President took the stage to deliver his message of assurance amid the nation’s current crisis.

When asked what he thought about Trump’s performance, rally attendee and veteran Three Mile Island technician, Frank Boron, said, “You heard what everyone was chanting, didn’t ya? It’s all a hoax. I mean, if it’s so contagious then what are we all doing here?”