Local Election Heats Up

Cashiers NC

The election for county treasurer has been receiving notoriety throughout the past weeks due to the amount of money that has reportedly been spent on each campaign. Both candidates have done a significant amount of fundraising in order to compete for the local government post, but so far neither has distinguished himself as the clear frontrunner.

Through local advertisements, attack ads, counterattack ads and lawn signs, reported spending for the two campaigns is in excess of $39 billion.

During their campaigns both candidates have run on a policy of fiscal conservativism and intelligent spending, often noting inflated government budgets as the source of the greatest waste in municipalities.

Though the budget the treasurer would have control over would amount to approximately $10 thousand annually, both candidates remain adamant that their financial policies are economically sound. When asked about the disproportionately high amount of election spending for such a minor government seat, the incumbent Len Dwyer stated, “We are, after all, a capitalist democracy and, as we all know, this is how elections are won.”

GOP Decides Disagreement Unacceptable

Filed by F. Russell Grumman
ITITY Political Affairs Correspondent


Washington DC

In order to forestall any use by Democrats of any GOP Presidential candidate’s actual statements against them, today the Republican National Committee (RNC) issued a unanimous party rule that GOP candidates for President may not publicly make any statement that could be construed as believing or supporting anything different from RNC-endorsed positions. Truth will not be deemed a defense to any violation of this rule, and some are already calling the rule Grand Old Ten Commandments, because of the ten examples it uses. They are:

1. The Paul Ryan budget plan is a brave, brilliant and visionary document that, despite its actual provisions, does not destroy Medicare, Medicaid or Social Security.

2. Newt Gingrich must always be referred to as a brilliant thinker. He may not be referred to as a “loose cannon,” “racial panderer” or as “having baggage.” (Note: Use of the word “intellectual” has been forbidden in the GOP since 1980 when it was banished from the lexicon by the sainted and infallible Ronald Reagan).

3. Any Republican who runs for President is, by reason of being a Republican, qualified to be President. This is being called the Hermann Cain-Michelle Bachmann provision, inasmuch as Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are not in the race.

4. The richest one percent of Americans and America’s corporations pay too many taxes. Only by continuing to shift wealth from the middle class to the wealthiest Americans can America prosper.

5. Healthcare is not a right but a privilege, reserved for those who the healthcare industry is willing to insure for whatever premium it wishes to charge, and who are healthy enough not to need it.

6. The unemployed are unemployed because they have not worked hard enough to build the wealth of their employers. This is especially true of older workers and minorities.

7. The unborn are persons who must be protected, but only until birth at which point they and their parents are on their own.

8. Torture is not torture if conducted by or on behalf of the US. It is noted that because he is not running, this rule does not apply to statements by John McCain.

9. There is no such thing as “corporate welfare,” “unneeded subsidies” or “unnecessary defense spending.”

10. Evolution is a theory, while Creationism is a fact.

Mitt in Snit Throws Fit After Filling His Kit

News From the Front by G. Izzy Nasti

In what was otherwise a very good week, which included raising over ten million buckaroos for his presidential campaign, Mitt Romney was unexpectedly compelled to respond to a rumor so unusual and unexpected that has taken the entire Republican primary field completely by surprise, leaving them in an even more monumental state of chaos and confusion than Newt Gingrich could on his most verbosely bombastic day.

Classified documents recently uncovered at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, CA revealed a secret 1970’s program for safely contacting extra-terrestrial intelligence for which JPL robotic engineers developed an android designated the Mild and Inoffensive Talking protoType. M.I.T.T. was given movie star good looks and a winning smile, but the development was halted after failed attempts to fix a glitch that caused it to respond to any inquiry with whatever the questioner wished to hear.

The prototype was then shipped to Wright Patterson AFB in Ohio and quickly forgotten. Somehow inadvertently activated, the android was apparently allowed to simply walk off the top security installation. M.I.T.T. was soon sighted in Michigan, Salt Lake City and Massachusetts and became so well known that, given the choice of capturing it or allowing the experiment to continue, scientists opted for the latter to determine if it could continue to pass as a real person.

When confronted by this reporter at a news conference with the revelation of his secret identity Romney became visibly agitated, then regained his composure and almost devoid of emotion calmly responded “American corporations are artificial entities that the Supreme Court has decided shall be treated as persons. Therefore any artificial person created in the U.S should not be disqualified under the U.S. Constitution from holding the highest office in the land.”

A Predictably Typical Apocalypse

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Cultural Affairs Critic





Oakland CA


If you are reading this you have not been chosen. You have not been raptured away from mankind’s earthly troubles. You are still here with the rest of us, left behind to endure the tribulations of endless war and economic hardship. Although exactly how this end of world doom and gloom differs from every other Monday is probably best left to personal interpretation.

Today however, the only things that seem to be missing are the life savings of several true believers, along with their opportunity to drop the ultimate “I told you so.” The only apparent miracle is that in the middle of a recession, tens of millions of dollars were donated to the same persistent prophet who didn’t get it right last time.

Mathematically, your odds weren't very good anyway. Out of the approximately one hundred billion humans who have inhabited this troubled planet, only a hundred thousand or so were supposed to have been judged worthy of being saved, just a slightly better chance than winning the Powerball.

Still, financial speculation in some sort of eschatological escape clause is somewhat understandable. We’d all like to think someone is looking out for us. We’d all like to be less overwhelmed by things we can’t control. We’d all like to be recognized and rewarded for our efforts. And real estate isn’t quite the investment it used to be.

Add-ons At The Pump Forthcoming

Filed by F. Russell Grumman

ITITY Current Events Correspondent

Houston TX

It was learned today that in response to widespread criticism of oil company subsidies, in light of record profits at near record high gas prices, many oil companies are now considering lowering per gallon prices, while implementing various technical fees.

According to reliable sources, both Chevron and Conoco Phillips are poised to implement an up to $10 fee for the use of any gasoline dispenser, which can still be avoided by consumers should they bring their own hose in addition to their own manual siphon, assuming the station will allow them to lower it into the station’s underground tank. There will however be a five minute limit on use of such siphons after which a $10 delay fee will apply for each additional two minutes.

In a more easily understood move BP is said to be poised to implement a temporary $2 per gallon Environmental Clean-up fee as a means to recover the $20 billion it is obligated to pay out as a result of the Deep Water Horizon disaster. BP will however retain the right to extend the fee to apply to future disasters it causes as it causes them.

Exxon Mobil is said to be hesitant to impose such fees, but is instead considering attaching a large tin cup to each dispenser at each station seeking voluntary motorist contributions, labeling each cup with the prominent legend: “Save jobs, please donate your spare change.”

Media Tycoon Takes Legal Action

London UK

Reports filed earlier this week have been confirmed verifying that the multimedia magnate Fox News has in fact brought legal action against controversial scientist Richard Dawkins, coming after the release of his new book Memes: Why Popular Ideas and Common Knowledge Have No Bearing on Truth.

The controversy arose after the contentious biologist and memeticist was cited for intellectual property theft by the news mogul, referring specifically to the section in his book on memes - units of cultural information analogous to biology’s genes - in which he asserts that the proliferation of popular concepts and ideas have no bearing whatsoever on their basis in fact, or that the success of a meme is in no way related to its being correct.

Fox News has stated that this infringes on the founding premise of their program, that the information disseminated throughout their news shows have long since overlooked facts and that Dawkins’ alleged discovery is in no way original.

When asked about the lawsuit Dawkins stated, “Really I feel quite absurd about the whole thing; the idea of being sued is just dreadful. Frankly though, I wasn't even aware Fox News had any intellectual property to steal.”

Trump Investigation Turns Up Trash

Filed by B F Koch
ITITY Media Analyst


Somewhere West of Hawaii


The intrepid travelers had journeyed halfway around the globe in an obsessive search for an elusive document some said did not even exist. 

Then they managed to transmit just three tantalizing words, which would be repeated endlessly in the days to follow, before the fading signal of their satellite phone finally went dead: “This is unbelievable…”

It all began when the Trump investigative team chartered a boat for what was supposed to be a three hour tour. Nearly a week later the tiny ship’s emergency transponder led rescuers to an enormous floating pile of plastic in a remote area of the Pacific Ocean, hundreds of miles from Hawaii.

Among the stranded survivors, a slightly sun burned yet still buoyant Gary Busey was found clutching a small yellow duck he had named after his mentor. The crazy castaway refused to leave the bathtub toy behind saying only “He kept me sane”.

By the time they returned to their hotel, the piece of paper that had been the object of their fateful quest had been found and their self aggrandizing promoter, the Prima Donald himself, now caught in a current he could not control, quickly drifting from public attention, was becoming just another piece of political flotsam.